A sensitive post about revenge

[new.solution1]

If a bug annoys me, I want to squash it. I want it to know just how much it annoys me. I want him to experience what I experienced, only have it much worse. And I want to be compensated for the bad experience somehow.

These are actually four different things that you want when you get annoyed. One is to act out in anger in a manner that is psychologically satisfying (squashing the bug). Two is to get revenge, karma (having it experience what you did). Three is to overdo it (making the experience worse). Four is the compensation (getting my time back for wasting it to squash the bug, my sore hand healed, gaining something positive from the experience (I am not talking about some life lesson or BS like that. I am talking about a real, tangible positive. Money, an increase in genuine happiness, for example).

I really wish there was a way for this to be accomplished in life. It should be automatic, I am not the one who should be held responsible to accomplish this if I am the victim in the first place.

Only then could I ever be happy. I am not kidding. I am obviously talking about bigger things that happened in my life, not just some bug. I am just using the bug as an example, but I believe these four different things apply every time I feel annoyed, angered, or (most importantly) wronged by someone, something, some situation.

But this is not possible. What if the person in question is dead? I feel four different things is too much to ask in general from life, but it is how I truly feel.

What I revenge in are things that I am truly in the right, have been wronged totally, and there is no way to seek these four things. I am left with constant anger, severe depression, a lot that I do not want to get into.

I constantly find myself believing in the mystical. Not God, morality that is not based in truth, but some kind of possible "magic" that could exist in life to fulfill my dark desires, no matter how dark, and I am talking more than just simply revenge now.

I have "good" "positive" "light" "heroic" and even "moral" desires too, that I want fulfilled, that I also find not possible, if you "face reality". I am a really good person deep down.

So I'm left feeling misunderstood with my good intentions, and repressed in my anger and emotions that society does not deem acceptable.

I want freedom.

But I also have "logistical" desires too. I wish I could have my thoughts sorted out in an orderly manner. I want my parents to be alive as long as I am.

But I do not like "believing in magic". Such a desperation, and emptiness to it. I want something real and tangible. So I constantly see death as that tangible thing that can bring me what I want. A new life, a fresh start [I know many of you do not believe in another life, but I am not here to debate that]. But what about this current one? I want this current life to be vindicated. Maybe there's a way for things to be carried over, without overburdening the next life. But how? It doesn't make logical sense. I certainly don't feel anything from any past life now.

I want proof that there is this "magic" in the world. I am looking for it, but can't find it. I will have to kill myself if I can't somehow put my mind at peace.

Beautiful music, nature, scenery, art, it is all not enough. It does not help me at all, just accentuates what I am missing.

Magic...I am trying to think, where is it?
I want this magic to happen, to become a reality, to occur. I want it to be mine forever.

There is nothing in this world that could possibly compensate for what I have gone though, what I am going through now. So how can this be possible?

Not just this world, nothing in eternity.

So how can this be possible?

There must be something that lies beyond eternity? But I believe even that would not do. So what would? Something beyond the logic of what will do and what wouldn't? Even that feels not satisfying.
So I'm stuck writing this, as if it is my passion.

And in a way, it is. Magic. Magic is my passion. In a way I have always wanted it. Just now, more than ever.

I have done my best to be a good person. And I have gone to great lengths to do so. I deserve to be rewarded. And I deserve to be rewarded for not doing it for any reward. Now, I am asking for it not really because I want it, but because I need it. There is nothing left for me in this life. I either get it in this life, or I get it through death. For now, I wait.

And I am tired of being a good person. I want to be an even better person, but I also want to just simply be a bad person. And I want to be an new person. And I want to be my old self. See what I mean, by how my wishes cannot be fulfilled? But maybe, through some kind of magic, some kind of miracle, it is possible.

What is so maddening is that all my problems come from one thing. Maybe there is a way to remedy this as well? I do not like this fact.

I DO NOT LIKE IT AT ALL.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do get where you are coming from. I think we've all hoped for a kind of karma to be real at some point. 'What goes around comes around' and all that. I just don't think the universe cares though. Personally, I don't get the sense that there is a morality or fairness to life. Bad things often seem to happen to good people and 'bad' people often seem so far up their own arses that a lot of stuff doesn't even seem to touch them- certainly not guilt or remorse. Tradegy does or doesn't seem to come to us all regardless of our actions.

There is one particular person in my childhood who- frankly made life hell for me. No doubt they were suffering/struggling too but I honestly feel like I didn't do anything to provoke them. It's hard to forgive someone who you feel persecuted by (for no particular reason). My earlier childhood wasn't great due to a number of deaths in my immediate family but I had never considered ctb until my experiences with this person. I was 10 at the time and the thoughts have never left me.

I still do think about it all a lot and I have wondered whether I do desire revenge. I don't think I do though. My Dad (annoyingly) still keeps me informed of them and I think he thinks it will somehow help/delight me when things are going wrong for them. Honestly, it doesn't though- I told him the other day that I didn't wish bad stuff upon them, I just didn't want to have to think about them at all.

I do wonder if we ever have to atone for our sins in an afterlife (seeing as karma doesn't seem to be working in this one...) I do have stuff I would need to atone for definitely- although ironically, not with this person. It's more that I want everyone to finally realise what they were truly like. I got blamed for a lot of stuff- that was part of the issue- they made themselves out to be the victim with teachers/friends/parents. I just want the record set straight I suppose.

Do you think taking revenge would actually make you feel better though? (Not saying you intend to...) I think it's tempting and to some degree, I think it's a way of showing you won't tolerate being treated so badly. Still, I think 'good' people probably don't benefit from taking revenge because they know deep down that they've done a wrong act too. 'Two wrongs don't make a right' and all that. I think probably taking nonviolent (if possible) action against the perpetrator at the time of the abuse is probably the best way to go- to show them you won't be treated like that. Sadly though, I think you'll be waiting forever if you hope the universe will step in.

Annoyingly, I think it probably comes down to trying to make peace with the situation in your own mind. Especially if the perpetrator is dead. I have a horrible feeling true peace is only attained through forgiveness. Not sure I'm going to reach that point though. Forgetting (as much as possible) seems easier than forgiving.

I know it was an example but that poor bug was probably just attracted by the handsoap you just used... I do share your frustration with things that irritate but I try my best to be lenient with animals acting on impulse .

 

[hamvil]

Regarding myself I would like very much to be able to get rid of the idea of revenge. I worried of too many bugs in my life, I cannot let go and this did to me no good. I wish I could be more passive and let the things flow over me, but I am not able to do it. It really did not do me any good in this life.

 

[jodes2]

I don't do revenge, it would eat me up too much. I just try to forget and move on. I don't believe in magic or karma, I just have to make the best of things as they are.