Venting A rundown of my cumulative reasons

[whatevs]

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ LONG POST ALERT. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯​

I am going to list here the reasons why life has become basically unbearable to me and I might CTB in the future (but I would want not to).

1. Social anxiety/bodily stink. I have been plagued by this since I was a teenager. To really understand what it feels like to have this condition one needs to imagine the emotions that arise when your life is being threatened or you are awaiting the doctor to tell you whether your beloved relative will survive. A lowered version of such fear, but every time you are among other people (or you anticipate that you WILL be). It is torture and extremely crippling.

Illustration. I am trying college for the 4th time. We have an exam on "Emotional Intelligence". I have to sit down next to one of the least empathetic girls in the classroom. Because of my social anxiety, the predictable happens. I have been sweating profusely since second 0 of my entrance in the building, and by the 2 hour I will invariably start to stink. (I didn't know about using alcohol in my armpits then and just used regular deodorants o antiperspirants. Of course, I showered daily. And of course, the alcohol only gives you more time, you WILL start to stink all the same after 6 hours of social interaction).

I become acutely aware of the odour, and try to write my exam with my elbows firmly pressed to my body. My writing becomes scrambled and barely readable. She starts to show signs of frustration and then starts to murmur angrily about the lack of hygiene of some people in the class, and keeps increasing her tone. I am about to lose my mind. I will stand up, yell like a maniac (possibly while sobbing), leave the classroom and never come back. Then, an angel appears. He is sitting in front of us and turns. My savior is the most suave and good looking guy in the class. He looks at me, the squirming, miserable, pestilent worm, with sadness and empathy, and starts talking to her, managing to calm her down until the exam is over.

I was evaluated with a 10/10 in that exam. The irony. Emotional intelligence isn't intellectual and cannot be memorized.

2. Unrefreshing sleep. As a result of being chronically smelly, which made life impossible, I investigated a solution. I found an antiperspirant online that was 20% aluminum salts. Odaban. The first day I used it I experienced something magical. My armpits became completely and absolutely blocked. They hurt quite a bit, but I discovered I was unable to sweat from there as long I kept using it. The marvels of Science. Thanks to this discovery I had my first (light) sexual experiences with women and had my first and only girlfriend. I could hug people, hang around them, I could have a life. However...

To this day I still think this is possible. I became poisoned with aluminum. Exactly at this months-long period of Odaban usage I started having sleep problems and dermatitis on my face. Soon my friends started commenting that I was looking haggard (which shows that I wasn't before). Over time the unrefreshing sleep started devouring more and more areas of my life. I had to let go of my friends. I was hungover anyway every day, so the drinking and partying had started to make me literally sick.

Now I still live with my parents and have very little energy or motivation to do anything. I know how every day will be, why struggle for anything? I won't be able to enjoy it. Exhausted, apathetic, mentally slow, haggard, nauseous, slow digestion, feeling stuffed. It's been 10 years now since the onset of my disease. Doctors never found the cause and for them the aluminum poisoning talk is absurd.

3. If the above wasn't enough, there are 2 more reasons, and they aren't minor either. Along with the unrefreshing sleep and heightened dermatitis (including generous amounts of dandruff), I also developed a rare disease called Cholinergic Urticaria. Depending of the severity I will get hives/horrible itching from sunbathing, getting yelled at, exercising, or simply watching a boxing match or pornography online. So this is a disease that is triggered by changes in bodily heat, or the onset of sweating. This illness severely restricts what you can do, it's an invisible cage. This also adds to my apathy, since I know that the possibility of being tormented by hives looms threatening every time I ride a bike, go for a walk or have to confront someone.

4. And last one. To add insult to injury, I managed to screw myself even further around the exact same time I started using the antiperspirant which I believe started my chronic illness. Due to an injury in my pelvic muscles, I became unable to feel anything upon ejaculation. 10 years since having an orgasm. I no longer remember the feeling, just a faint recollection of a very strong pleasant sensation. This last issue is something I can live with, but when thrown in the mix with the rest of reasons makes for a mighty package of misfortune.

 

[summers]

For #3, what if you cut your hair really short (like maybe 2-3mm), and used coconut oil on your scalp? That may help with the dandruff. It would smell really good too. You could actually use it all over your body (not armpits though) and you would smell like a pastry.

 

[whatevs]

For #3, what if you cut your hair really short (like maybe 2-3mm), and used coconut oil on your scalp? That may help with the dandruff.

It's worth a shot and isn't particularly hard to try, thanks for the suggestion. Though its the itching that really torments me. But getting the dandruff under control would make life a little better, yes.

 

[summers]

It's worth a shot and isn't particularly hard to try, thanks for the suggestion. Though its the itching that really torments me. But getting the dandruff under control would make life a little better, yes.

The nice thing about coconut oil is that it's solid at room temperature. Kind of a very soft paste. This would make it a lot easier to apply. If it heats up, it turns to a liquid, but put it in the freezer for a little while, and it will re solidify.

 

[4mom]

I love coconut oil too. I have issues with my breath, and no matter what I do nothing solves it. I've tried consuming tons of lemons and it helps a little. I used to have issues with sweat but increased drinking water and dropped almost all other drinks. That helped the sweat issue for me, but not sure if that was just a personal thing that happened to work for me. I do not trust deodorants. You can buy rock crystal which is natural, and you use it in your pits after a shower when the skin is still wet. This works really well.
btw, I don't know if anyone else has tried this - but you can swish coconut oil in your mouth and spit. This actually did work for me, and it is good for gum/teeth problems. However, it often makes me feel like I'm gonna puke, so I don't do it as often as I should.

 

[whatevs]

The nice thing about coconut oil is that it's solid at room temperature. Kind of a very soft paste. This would make it a lot easier to apply. If it heats up, it turns to a liquid, but put it in the freezer for a little while, and it will re solidify.
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I know, I went through a supplement/paleo diet phase (which was futile but it certainly can make you lose weight). I never applied it on my scalp though.

 

[Midgardsorm]

There is shampoos that contains Ketoconazole.

"Ketoconazole, sold under the brand name Nizoral among others, is an antiandrogen and antifungal medication used to treat a number of fungal infections. Applied to the skin it is used for fungal skin infections such as tinea, cutaneous candidiasis, pityriasis versicolor, dandruff, and seborrheic dermatitis."

It might help with dandruff. HOWEVER, I need to advise you that most people who use it don't use it daily due to some problems that can arise with it such as a very serious allergic reaction but more commonly the rebound effect, since there's no dandruff the body starts producing more of it and it makes the problem worse.

There was a surgery procedure on development here once, basically they injected the skin with Botulinum Toxin to prevent sweating on certain parts of the body. The problem is that the body keeps sweating, only that there's no way for the sweat to go. It caused severe allergic reactions on some people, other were lucky and the sweat only went to another part of the body.

It's difficult to control certain functions of the body, the so-called awesome machine which it's more often than it should stupid.

 

[Foresight]

Hey whatevs. I can relate to your story. My body has been actively working against me my whole life. You get stuck in a cycle where the body is uncooperative, it leads to social anxiety, the social anxiety causes more body issues so you try the fixes. The fixes work at first and then cause their own issues. The new issues cause more anxiety, which leads to additional body issues. It's madness. Anyone would become worn out in that fight.

I admit I don't have the solution. I'm here too. I just want to say I'm rooting for you to find some comfort in all this. You have a beautiful mind and spirit even with this dumb flesh suit bleeding you dry. I don't even reside in my body anymore. I try to keep myself somewhere above it where it can't take everything from me.

 

[Leiden]

I'm sorry for all of your suffering. When so many things are clustered together, it really is so awful. I hope things can get better for you somehow.