notmyusername
Da Fan of Stuffs
- Feb 1, 2024
- 30
Hey, how are the users of SS?
I am 19 years old. I'm suicidal, but not at the moment.
There are multiple reasons why I want to die.
I am so tired, man. I'm constantly running. Running from some monster I'm too scared to face, probably. It's pathetic. Because I'm an adult now... Seeing that monster again is one of my worst fears. I don't know how it will turn up, but it's bound to in this sick world. And sometimes it does turn up. And I get on edge. Then it's time to run away before it gets me again somehow. Sometimes I really just want to quit running. Sometimes when I'm walking around, I feel like I could lay down on the sidewalk and take a nap right there... That's how tired I am.
I'm not gonna go into all of the reasons right now, though. That's just one I felt like bringing up for now.
But here's what I mean when I say I'm suicidal, but not at the moment. I want to kill myself, have wanted to for years, sometimes I really feel like doing it impulsively at times, but I want to plan it carefully and time it correctly, which means that I want to wait before I kill myself.
It's always been a dream of mine to have children. I want to do that before I go. Children have always held a dear place in my heart. I'd love to teach a child what I know and show them some cool things about existing. Like you could build a robot if you wanted, or you could make bombs, catch frogs, finger paint... I'll love them the way that I will never be loved. During hard times, children were the ones to fuel my fire to keep me going. I didn't want them to know loss. But they did anyways when I became addicted to DXM. See, it's not even just that ant to die. I kinda deserve to die.
And also I have a serious partner right now... I love hard. And I know it would hurt him pretty bad if I left "abruptly". We are also both in difficult places right now. I don't want to die without knowing he'll be okay. He is also the fuel to my fire.
I'm aware this is selfish. But so is it for people to want me to live in so much pain. I'll suffer a long enough time. I'll give this world 50-60 years. I'll make it work. I'll do my best to make the world a better place too before I catch the bus. People don't choose to exist, I'll try to leave this planet better than I found it I guess, try to spread positivity despite thinking life is a huge joke.
Currently though, I don't have time to be suicidal or an asshole. I will not fucking forgive myself if I continue to fail my partner and let him get hurt... As much as I love to rot, the pain of consequences of that is not something I could take. And the last thing I want to do is something reckless, although I do have moment when I'm deeply depressed and wished I'd be dumb and reckless enough to just end my silly life.
I'm sure somebody could understand the feeling I'm describing. Feeling in debt to someone, almost. Like you must repay them, or make things even/fair. It feels pretty disgusting not to do so. Having to get your affairs in order and make sure to make it as easy as possible on loved ones. It takes a lot of planning, because suicide is always a hard thing for loved ones to accept.
It's time for me to stop being a lazy piece of shit and get a job... And the part of me that I judge and hate is like "damn I wonder where I could get some meth so I don't feel so damn tired all the time!" (CAFFEINE DOESN'T WORK!) But I am high-key considering microdosing meth. But I'm a cursed human with no self control and I always over indulge. If I like it then I'm probably gonna... But maybe not. I got out of rehab a month ago but it was for DXM. According to the groups at the rehab, I'm probably gonna relapse. But fuck that. No I ain't. I can't afford to lose the loved ones I have left... Especially my partner. But what I'm not clear on is, does it count as a relapse if you use a drug that's not your main one? I pretend it doesn't count. So now I can drink until someone points out I'm becoming an alcoholic I guess.
Also, I love that this is anonymous. I can say whatever I want, be how cringe I want to be. Honesty this whole post makes me cringe so far, because the strongest part of my personality actually gives 0 fucks in reality and is just like "It ain't that deep, just get a gun and pull the trigger. Stop bitchin. Also you're hormonal, and your life is really a joke and not that serious." My life isn't serious, but the people I love... I think it would be wrong of me to hurt their lives just because I don't care for mine. I do have morals.
Anyways, I guess it's time to take a little break from rotting. Weed is my lifeline right now. I'm gonna update here more often instead of burdening people with my drug and suicide thoughts. You guys are people, but you also choose to be here.
Also of course I come out as fucking de-trans but here I am still feeling like a dude right now. Maybe I'm genderfluid or maybe I'm just stupid. Gender should not be my main concern but idk whether to wear a skirt and pitch up my voice or whether to talk regular or what public restroom is okay to use. It's a lot of work to shave. Sometimes I miss my lil beard and stache. I had great times as a dude. Also dudes are allowed to rock skirts.
I suppose I can say something out of pocket, like Mr. Garrison from South Park out of pocket possibly. Well like, I want kids, and like I wanna give birth. Therefore, I want to be a mother. I feel like it would be hella weird, complicated, and uncomfortable for me personally to give birth and still identify as a man or full on man... I don't judge those who do, though. I guess I can live with being a manly women. I have a deep voice and more hair from taking testosterone before. But it's crazy to think about for me, being a mother. Having a child to love and care for. It's crazy that my body has the capability of growing a whole human if I really wanted to. A human just like myself and my friends and people I see all around me.
I like the thought, but I also hate it and am sort of deeply disgusted by it? I think that's thanks to my mother. She always made it seem like a really nasty and awkward fact. She'd just go into detail about how she loved breastfeeding me and how I was inside of her... Yuck. I ain't doin' that with my kids, though.
Alright this was dumb and I'm lazy. I'll be back to post. (I'm probably gonna keep it up for 4 days tops, lose motivation, attempt suicide and go back to the psych ward but I would be pleasantly surprised if this takes a different route.) Peace! :P
I am 19 years old. I'm suicidal, but not at the moment.
There are multiple reasons why I want to die.
I am so tired, man. I'm constantly running. Running from some monster I'm too scared to face, probably. It's pathetic. Because I'm an adult now... Seeing that monster again is one of my worst fears. I don't know how it will turn up, but it's bound to in this sick world. And sometimes it does turn up. And I get on edge. Then it's time to run away before it gets me again somehow. Sometimes I really just want to quit running. Sometimes when I'm walking around, I feel like I could lay down on the sidewalk and take a nap right there... That's how tired I am.
I'm not gonna go into all of the reasons right now, though. That's just one I felt like bringing up for now.
But here's what I mean when I say I'm suicidal, but not at the moment. I want to kill myself, have wanted to for years, sometimes I really feel like doing it impulsively at times, but I want to plan it carefully and time it correctly, which means that I want to wait before I kill myself.
It's always been a dream of mine to have children. I want to do that before I go. Children have always held a dear place in my heart. I'd love to teach a child what I know and show them some cool things about existing. Like you could build a robot if you wanted, or you could make bombs, catch frogs, finger paint... I'll love them the way that I will never be loved. During hard times, children were the ones to fuel my fire to keep me going. I didn't want them to know loss. But they did anyways when I became addicted to DXM. See, it's not even just that ant to die. I kinda deserve to die.
And also I have a serious partner right now... I love hard. And I know it would hurt him pretty bad if I left "abruptly". We are also both in difficult places right now. I don't want to die without knowing he'll be okay. He is also the fuel to my fire.
I'm aware this is selfish. But so is it for people to want me to live in so much pain. I'll suffer a long enough time. I'll give this world 50-60 years. I'll make it work. I'll do my best to make the world a better place too before I catch the bus. People don't choose to exist, I'll try to leave this planet better than I found it I guess, try to spread positivity despite thinking life is a huge joke.
Currently though, I don't have time to be suicidal or an asshole. I will not fucking forgive myself if I continue to fail my partner and let him get hurt... As much as I love to rot, the pain of consequences of that is not something I could take. And the last thing I want to do is something reckless, although I do have moment when I'm deeply depressed and wished I'd be dumb and reckless enough to just end my silly life.
I'm sure somebody could understand the feeling I'm describing. Feeling in debt to someone, almost. Like you must repay them, or make things even/fair. It feels pretty disgusting not to do so. Having to get your affairs in order and make sure to make it as easy as possible on loved ones. It takes a lot of planning, because suicide is always a hard thing for loved ones to accept.
It's time for me to stop being a lazy piece of shit and get a job... And the part of me that I judge and hate is like "damn I wonder where I could get some meth so I don't feel so damn tired all the time!" (CAFFEINE DOESN'T WORK!) But I am high-key considering microdosing meth. But I'm a cursed human with no self control and I always over indulge. If I like it then I'm probably gonna... But maybe not. I got out of rehab a month ago but it was for DXM. According to the groups at the rehab, I'm probably gonna relapse. But fuck that. No I ain't. I can't afford to lose the loved ones I have left... Especially my partner. But what I'm not clear on is, does it count as a relapse if you use a drug that's not your main one? I pretend it doesn't count. So now I can drink until someone points out I'm becoming an alcoholic I guess.
Also, I love that this is anonymous. I can say whatever I want, be how cringe I want to be. Honesty this whole post makes me cringe so far, because the strongest part of my personality actually gives 0 fucks in reality and is just like "It ain't that deep, just get a gun and pull the trigger. Stop bitchin. Also you're hormonal, and your life is really a joke and not that serious." My life isn't serious, but the people I love... I think it would be wrong of me to hurt their lives just because I don't care for mine. I do have morals.
Anyways, I guess it's time to take a little break from rotting. Weed is my lifeline right now. I'm gonna update here more often instead of burdening people with my drug and suicide thoughts. You guys are people, but you also choose to be here.
Also of course I come out as fucking de-trans but here I am still feeling like a dude right now. Maybe I'm genderfluid or maybe I'm just stupid. Gender should not be my main concern but idk whether to wear a skirt and pitch up my voice or whether to talk regular or what public restroom is okay to use. It's a lot of work to shave. Sometimes I miss my lil beard and stache. I had great times as a dude. Also dudes are allowed to rock skirts.
I suppose I can say something out of pocket, like Mr. Garrison from South Park out of pocket possibly. Well like, I want kids, and like I wanna give birth. Therefore, I want to be a mother. I feel like it would be hella weird, complicated, and uncomfortable for me personally to give birth and still identify as a man or full on man... I don't judge those who do, though. I guess I can live with being a manly women. I have a deep voice and more hair from taking testosterone before. But it's crazy to think about for me, being a mother. Having a child to love and care for. It's crazy that my body has the capability of growing a whole human if I really wanted to. A human just like myself and my friends and people I see all around me.
I like the thought, but I also hate it and am sort of deeply disgusted by it? I think that's thanks to my mother. She always made it seem like a really nasty and awkward fact. She'd just go into detail about how she loved breastfeeding me and how I was inside of her... Yuck. I ain't doin' that with my kids, though.
Alright this was dumb and I'm lazy. I'll be back to post. (I'm probably gonna keep it up for 4 days tops, lose motivation, attempt suicide and go back to the psych ward but I would be pleasantly surprised if this takes a different route.) Peace! :P
