Story A poem I wrote about my experience living with chronic ideation. Sobbing and just think I’m at my limit. Love yall

[sleepyg614]

I wake up with an exit sign
flickering somewhere behind my eyes.
Not yet a plan.
Not quite a promise.
Just a thought that says,
"There is a door."

It doesn't shout.
It hums.
Low voltage.
Constant.
Like a refrigerator in the next room
that never lets you forget it's there.

I carry it through grocery aisles,
through laughter,
through good news,
through the weight of my dog asleep on my chest.
Even joy doesn't evict it.
It just learns to sit quietly in the corner.

People think fantasies are wishes.
They aren't always.
Sometimes they're just
mental windows cracked open
so the room doesn't suffocate.

I don't dream of my heart stopping
because I hate life.
I dream of rest.
Of silence.
Of a mind that stops interrogating itself
every minute of the day.

The thoughts arrive uninvited,
leave without ceremony,
and come back again tomorrow
just like the sun.
Like gravity.
Like a tide that never asks
whether I'm tired of swimming.

I am.

And still,
I stay.

Not heroically.
Not bravely.
I stay in small ways.
I stay because of soft fur and kind eyes.
Because my dog and cat would wonder forever.
Because of unfinished sentences.
Because something in me keeps saying,
not today.

If this is what survival looks like,
then it is quieter than people imagine.
It is not triumph.
It is endurance.
It is choosing to exist
with a thought that never leaves
and hoping to befriend it.

I live with the idea of death
the way people live with chronic pain -
not because I want it,
but because it's there,
and I am still learning
how to carry it
without letting it carry me.

But oh, how I'm tired of learning.

 

[whosready4tmrw]

This is beautiful, you clearly have a talent. I hope you can find recovery and share this with others.

 

[sleepyg614]

This is beautiful, you clearly have a talent. I hope you can find recovery and share this with others.

Thank you <3

 

[seedofnonduality21]

Really very moving, heart touching, beautifully written. I've written some poetry in my life, mostly spiritually orientated and I continue to do so - definitely seems to help at times. Really feel your writing is lucid, grounded and full of light filled honesty, that light sort of illuminating the poem as though a back-light were behind. It also has, because of the quality of writing, a very universal feeling to it, as though it could have been written to summarise the feelings of a whole world or an archetypal being representing a particular stage of the universal story.

I definitely feel close to what you expressed and no doubt many will read your poem and feel the same and appreciate your writing the same. Unfortunately I've got that as expressed plus the chronic pain and other truly horrid physical issues assailing me day and night, but somehow a strong altruistic mind-set has kept me going, kept me alive, so far. And the altruistic mind-set comes from raw honesty and so does good poetry also :)

 

[Unlucky777]

This is so amazing, thank you for sharing this. Very beautiful and emotive

 

[UserFromNowhere]

It doesn't shout.
It hums.
Low voltage.
Constant.
Like a refrigerator in the next room
that never lets you forget it's there.

Every part of this poem is relatable, but this really hit me. The thought of leaving never leaves your mind, you're just stuck, left wondering how to deal with it. Incessantly questioning when enough is enough, or if you can learn to deal with another day, if you can find it in yourself to get better, all the while the thought lingers at the back of your mind. It's a truly well done poem.