And now when I grew older my resentment against my actual personality grew even more.
I currently watch Ghost in the Shell and the first season is related to J.D. Salinger.
There was a J.D. Salinger quote that fascinated me.
"I'm not afraid to compete. It's just the opposite. Don't you see that? I'm afraid I will compete ā that's what scares me. That's why I quit the Theatre Department. Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."
From a very young age I age an urge to hate myself for having a personality. I hated my life. I hated my personality. I went through so much abuse. But I also wanted to have exactly no personality. Because I hated every single personality trait I had. I wanted to be someone else. But I didn't know who I actually wanted to be. And especially I could not reach that anyway. I would always long to be someone else but always hating myself for not being enough. Always hating myself for who I am. It is one reason why I called myself noname on here. I don't have inherent value. I am a nobody. I am just like everyone else on this forum. But probably a bigger drama queen than most people on here. So many people die on this planet for no good reason. So much abuse happens for no good reason. At least do I have the ability to mourn about my living hell.
Partly this quote and my statements are even cynical. Because there are people with schizophrenia who lose parts of their personality. They lose the interest in old hobbies because of the negative symptoms. They are not the same people as before. These people wish to have a personality that makes them unique.
But it isn't what I want. Or what I imagine to want. I would like to be more humble. Have less urges to act like a smartass all the time just because I was bullied for it. The bullying made me worse person. I would like to be more quiet and not having all these strong opinions all the time. But this is what defines me. It is really pathetic. I don't like who I am. Maybe I would like to have a personality if I actually liked mine. I have a misguided life. Refering to a term a Swiss author coined who I liked.
I always try to be someone I am actually not. I try to act super savvy which I am simply not. And I am wasting all my time to act out this facade. I cannot let it go. I am aiming for things I can never reach. And this is why I will always remain a fraud.
I think I also wanted to erase my existence. Suicide wasn't enough. The people should also forget me. But this isn't how the real world works. By having no personality I also wanted to erase my impact on the world. I am not sure what is exactly different between never to be born at all and having no personality. Maybe I would have a good "life" if I wasn't a sentient being. I think when I was younger I wanted to contribute to society. I wanted to serve the apparatus. Being one tiny screw that holds everything together. I lost that idealism. I am a NEET now. Lol. My suicide would cost the system a lot. My existence costs the system a lot. So I am not winning this game anyway. So I can be a leech and reduce the damage for me and my family as good as possible.
In the series Ghost in the Shell you can upload your consciousness to the internet. I found that interesting. My identity would vanish. But I would become a part of a higher system. I had this sheep mentality and adoration for the Japanese culture as a kid. The individual person has to sacrifice itself for the society to flourish. I don't believe this anymore. At least not as I believed in it as a teenager.
Yada, yada, yada, My day was so horrible. I could cry and puke the whole day. Thus far, I didn't cry. I think this could be cathartic though. This day was extremely painful and I am not sure how to move on. But venting on SaSu helped.
Maybe it reminds me of one of those monks who didn't react all all when self-immolated. But this state is not preferrable in my opinion. I think this would make things worse probably.
I currently watch Ghost in the Shell and the first season is related to J.D. Salinger.
There was a J.D. Salinger quote that fascinated me.
"I'm not afraid to compete. It's just the opposite. Don't you see that? I'm afraid I will compete ā that's what scares me. That's why I quit the Theatre Department. Just because I'm so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else's values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn't make it right. I'm ashamed of it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I'm sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash."
From a very young age I age an urge to hate myself for having a personality. I hated my life. I hated my personality. I went through so much abuse. But I also wanted to have exactly no personality. Because I hated every single personality trait I had. I wanted to be someone else. But I didn't know who I actually wanted to be. And especially I could not reach that anyway. I would always long to be someone else but always hating myself for not being enough. Always hating myself for who I am. It is one reason why I called myself noname on here. I don't have inherent value. I am a nobody. I am just like everyone else on this forum. But probably a bigger drama queen than most people on here. So many people die on this planet for no good reason. So much abuse happens for no good reason. At least do I have the ability to mourn about my living hell.
Partly this quote and my statements are even cynical. Because there are people with schizophrenia who lose parts of their personality. They lose the interest in old hobbies because of the negative symptoms. They are not the same people as before. These people wish to have a personality that makes them unique.
But it isn't what I want. Or what I imagine to want. I would like to be more humble. Have less urges to act like a smartass all the time just because I was bullied for it. The bullying made me worse person. I would like to be more quiet and not having all these strong opinions all the time. But this is what defines me. It is really pathetic. I don't like who I am. Maybe I would like to have a personality if I actually liked mine. I have a misguided life. Refering to a term a Swiss author coined who I liked.
I always try to be someone I am actually not. I try to act super savvy which I am simply not. And I am wasting all my time to act out this facade. I cannot let it go. I am aiming for things I can never reach. And this is why I will always remain a fraud.
I think I also wanted to erase my existence. Suicide wasn't enough. The people should also forget me. But this isn't how the real world works. By having no personality I also wanted to erase my impact on the world. I am not sure what is exactly different between never to be born at all and having no personality. Maybe I would have a good "life" if I wasn't a sentient being. I think when I was younger I wanted to contribute to society. I wanted to serve the apparatus. Being one tiny screw that holds everything together. I lost that idealism. I am a NEET now. Lol. My suicide would cost the system a lot. My existence costs the system a lot. So I am not winning this game anyway. So I can be a leech and reduce the damage for me and my family as good as possible.
In the series Ghost in the Shell you can upload your consciousness to the internet. I found that interesting. My identity would vanish. But I would become a part of a higher system. I had this sheep mentality and adoration for the Japanese culture as a kid. The individual person has to sacrifice itself for the society to flourish. I don't believe this anymore. At least not as I believed in it as a teenager.
Yada, yada, yada, My day was so horrible. I could cry and puke the whole day. Thus far, I didn't cry. I think this could be cathartic though. This day was extremely painful and I am not sure how to move on. But venting on SaSu helped.
Maybe it reminds me of one of those monks who didn't react all all when self-immolated. But this state is not preferrable in my opinion. I think this would make things worse probably.
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