Failed attempts recently. I failed at least 3 suicide attempts (jumping) in the last 3 days. Wouldn't even call those "attempts ", since I basically ended up at the random jump sites (15-17 floors high) unconsciously, and plainly walked away when I realized I sleep-walked there.
Psychological paralysis, severe. For months, I've been trapped in a daily cycle of paralysis (Demoralization Syndrome), spending my nights (as much as 6pm to 9am, Hypersomnia) praying (I'll detail my prayers below) and then fantasizing about paradise for everyone on Earth. At some point, my paralysis may cost me my job(s) and eventually lead to the finality of suicide.
Saving grace/bliss? But right now, I just wanna share the nightly bliss I have, which ironically may be keeping me sane. If I can somehow carry my bliss into daytime hours, I just might be able to undo my paralysis and start living. Bear in mind that people with utterly unreasonable faith in a future paradise can be inspired to do just about any constructive living in the meantime. My hope is that my nightly prayers and fantasies can become some fixture of entrenched hope that may help me live my life constructively. In any case, my fantasies at least lets me practice some fun form of Metta Meditation, and maybe also alleviate suffering for everyone else here somehow.
Addressing survival instincts. My prayers may also help reduce survival instincts, based on Christian doctrines.
Prayers
Dear God,
Confession of Sins. Firstly, I confess all my sins to You, as I know that any unconfessed sins will put insurmountable distance between You and me. I'm sorry I let my insecurities cause me to treat my wife badly (not physically abusive, but emotionally). Please give me a chance to fix this, bring my wife back to our marriage. I didn't truly abuse her emotionally, but simply tried to scare her to perform better at her work because I feared I may not survive to fend for her; I was under extreme stress from abuse from her brother and mother. I wasn't selfish in the abuse; I was trying to protect her. I am truly sorry for behaving badly without Your wise counsel. I will henceforth always seek your counsel for all my actions.
I'm also sorry for failing to repair my parents' marriage when I was 1--3 years old. If you choose to send me back in time, I will do whatever it takes to restore their marriage; not just because I don't wanna be thrown out to fend for myself, but because I swear to You that I will lovingly aid every person I come into contact with. You have taught me to love people unconditionally, so I will love (not condone) all flaws in people, while gently guiding them with Your wisdom if I'm in a position to do so.
My greatest love. Is You, heavenly Father. My first choice is for You to end this race of mine, end my paralysis, bring me back home to You so that I can serve you for all eternity. I want to serve, and to glorify You, dear Lord; I don't want to be paralyzed for months like I have been. Bring me home, and I will do any good works you command of me. Want me to travel through time, to counsel every suffering soul on this Earth before permanent damage? I will do it. I will work diligently to show everyone a projection of their futures, so that they can confidently and competently strive to do good in their present moment (in childhood, in teenage years, etc). Please, God, take me home to You, to Your permanence and everlasting Love. I have fully contemplated the unsatisfactoriness of this flesh world, and yearn to be with You eternally; for You, God, are most glorified when I am most satisfied in You.
Restore my marriage. Or send my wife back to me, God. I will do absolutely anything it takes for this chance to do my marriage correctly.
To serve tirelessly. Or send me back in time to 1979, dear Lord, together with my wife. Send us to repeat 1979--2019 for a million times, possibly boring me to death. But my goal will be to ensure that all on Earth are sanctified (purified in behavior) to Your standards, so that we may all be pleasing to You and glorify You, dear Lord. My goal will not be to simply acquire wealth for my family/friends, but will be to bring all Earth's resources under Your wise benevolent command/stewardship. In each cycle, I will study hard, forego frivolous pleasures of this flesh world, and bring about true peace and joy as well as complete sanctification on Earth.
True equality, true contribution. As I gather scientific and medical progress in each cycle, I will set up businesses with a multitude of competent and loving individuals in order to steward the whole world's resources under Your Name. There will be a Basic Income for every human on Earth, such that no one will partake in sinful/unsafe work; many poor people are forced to illegally poach and sell exotic wildlife to make ends meet, thereby releasing pathogens we're not prepared for (SARS, MERS, COVID19, etc). I swear to You, God, that Basic Income will inspire every single human to study/work hard for the advancement of stewardship techniques we use to take care of Earth, this wonderful home you've provided to us all. Given Basic Income, every single human will be joyously and cheerfully engaged in scientific and medical study, for the advancement of human knowledge. Everyone will be gainfully employed, and no one will envy and steal. Everyone will be adequately fed, and wake up daily with a fierce and loving devotion to the advancement of love and care for all Your creations, dear Lord. When there is true equality, Your children will truly contribute joyously and cheerfully for all times.
Study and respect of biodiversity. With complete stewardship of the world's resources, we will set up constant study of new pathogens at the edges of human settlements. Instead of dropping research for a cure for coronaviruses the moment an epidemic naturally subsides, we will maintain diligent study so that we are prepared for future pathogens before epidemics arise. Coupled with zero trade in exotic wildlife, we will never ever experience a sudden and uncontrollable epidemic again. We will also gain much medical research and insight by studying the abundant biodiversity, which brings me to the next points about controlled urbanization further below.
Lessons learned, lessons applied. The immense knowledge gained from Your creations, biodiversity, will give us medical capabilities to extend youthful human life (25-year-old biological age) indefinitely. Everyone will be free to make mistakes for 40 years, and still have time (still be 25) to apply lessons learned to make the world better. I swear to You, God, that we humans are not inherently evil. We repent sincerely. Look at all the ex-convicts who dedicate their lives to constructive businesses, life coaching, etc. Give us this eternal youth, and we will quickly learn to be wise. We will all have the strength to encourage one another to behave morally, rather than employ wise teachers far advanced in age and physically weak. If need be, our wise teachers (still strong at forever-25) can physically and lovingly punish those of us who are wayward, which will absolutely reduce crime and suffering in this world. Sure, separate those who are recalcitrant and sinful; but please know, my God, that an overwhelming majority of us humans will be so grateful for Your gift of youth that we will obey Your highest commandment -- to love You (to learn what is perfect wisdom, love and benevolence) and to love one another completely. Each cycle of 1979--2019, I will study diligently to advance medical capabilities to indefinitely extend human youth. I pray that You give us this indefinite youth, dear Lord, and I promise You that we will all apply every lesson we learn. We will repent continuously, and be continually sanctified for Your glory.
Anti-gravity, space travel, defense tech. I will also work with the brightest minds during 1979--2019 to develop anti-grav propulsion and warp drives, so that we can reach Mars within 3 minutes rather than 3 years. We will terraform Mars for human habitation. We will aspire to make Mars a second home for human settlement. Anti-grav personal flight vehicles can also replace airlines, allowing energy-efficient travel across the Earth. Force fields can be used to create vacuum travel tunnels high in the atmosphere, for supersonic flight without risk of Bird Strike. Personal force fields can also be deployed to every human; defense tech will be so advanced ahead of weapons tech that there will be no wars or violent crimes possible. Personal anti-grav devices embedded into every human will prevent injuries from falls.
Controlled urbanization, population. Each human couple will be encouraged to give birth to only 1 child; divorce will be unnecessary, since every human will be free of strife and be on his/her best possible behavior. This 1 child will have to settle on Mars when he/she comes of age. Since Mars is 3 minutes of travel from Earth, this separation is trivial and will still allow frequent (even daily) meet ups between children and parents. We can withhold indefinite youth treatment for couples who birth more than 1 child, until such time that we are able to terraform and colonize another planet; this should spur us all to terraform a third planet asap. With such population control, coupled with anti-grav enabled architecture that leads to hyper-dense high-rise residential buildings, we can limit urbanization to very small areas on Earth, thereby ensuring a good 90% of the Earth surface continues to produce infinitely beneficial biodiversity that aids our scientific and medical research.
Grown foods. Along with controlled urbanization, we will drastically improve agriculture such that we use very little of the Earth's surface. Aeroponics will be used to grow plants for food, requiring very little water to do so. We will develop techniques to grow synthetic meat, from beef to fish to chicken and such. We will no longer employ livestock for food, no longer incur high carbon footprint to farm for meat. Lab-grown meats will be constantly "exercised " via electrical signals, signals which we will make sure are less energy-intensive to produce than livestock feed. Anti-grav and high-rise architecture will allow us to build food farms right next to residential areas, utterly eliminating the carbon footprint of supply chains (shipping, logistics). Ultimately, we aim to use only 10% of the Earth's surface to house and feed all humans.
Work-Life balance. Everyone will have 30-hour work weeks. Everyone will be encouraged to spend time outside work to develop and strengthen relationships. Humans are evolved to be social and collaborative. Stronger relationships will even lead to higher work productivity, greatly increasing the rate at which we acquire scientific and medical progress. It is likely that such relationship-centric societies will already eliminate mental health problems; medical progress will certainly do so if mental health problems persist.
Give us humans the opportunity to learn our lessons and apply our lessons, dear God. What is the point of punishing us permanently for every little mistake we make? Don't you want each and every one of us humans to serve tirelessly and competently? We will competently steward the resources provided by Your creations, the entire universe.
In Jesus' Name I pray the above. Amen.
Psychological paralysis, severe. For months, I've been trapped in a daily cycle of paralysis (Demoralization Syndrome), spending my nights (as much as 6pm to 9am, Hypersomnia) praying (I'll detail my prayers below) and then fantasizing about paradise for everyone on Earth. At some point, my paralysis may cost me my job(s) and eventually lead to the finality of suicide.
Saving grace/bliss? But right now, I just wanna share the nightly bliss I have, which ironically may be keeping me sane. If I can somehow carry my bliss into daytime hours, I just might be able to undo my paralysis and start living. Bear in mind that people with utterly unreasonable faith in a future paradise can be inspired to do just about any constructive living in the meantime. My hope is that my nightly prayers and fantasies can become some fixture of entrenched hope that may help me live my life constructively. In any case, my fantasies at least lets me practice some fun form of Metta Meditation, and maybe also alleviate suffering for everyone else here somehow.
Addressing survival instincts. My prayers may also help reduce survival instincts, based on Christian doctrines.
Prayers
Dear God,
Confession of Sins. Firstly, I confess all my sins to You, as I know that any unconfessed sins will put insurmountable distance between You and me. I'm sorry I let my insecurities cause me to treat my wife badly (not physically abusive, but emotionally). Please give me a chance to fix this, bring my wife back to our marriage. I didn't truly abuse her emotionally, but simply tried to scare her to perform better at her work because I feared I may not survive to fend for her; I was under extreme stress from abuse from her brother and mother. I wasn't selfish in the abuse; I was trying to protect her. I am truly sorry for behaving badly without Your wise counsel. I will henceforth always seek your counsel for all my actions.
I'm also sorry for failing to repair my parents' marriage when I was 1--3 years old. If you choose to send me back in time, I will do whatever it takes to restore their marriage; not just because I don't wanna be thrown out to fend for myself, but because I swear to You that I will lovingly aid every person I come into contact with. You have taught me to love people unconditionally, so I will love (not condone) all flaws in people, while gently guiding them with Your wisdom if I'm in a position to do so.
My greatest love. Is You, heavenly Father. My first choice is for You to end this race of mine, end my paralysis, bring me back home to You so that I can serve you for all eternity. I want to serve, and to glorify You, dear Lord; I don't want to be paralyzed for months like I have been. Bring me home, and I will do any good works you command of me. Want me to travel through time, to counsel every suffering soul on this Earth before permanent damage? I will do it. I will work diligently to show everyone a projection of their futures, so that they can confidently and competently strive to do good in their present moment (in childhood, in teenage years, etc). Please, God, take me home to You, to Your permanence and everlasting Love. I have fully contemplated the unsatisfactoriness of this flesh world, and yearn to be with You eternally; for You, God, are most glorified when I am most satisfied in You.
Restore my marriage. Or send my wife back to me, God. I will do absolutely anything it takes for this chance to do my marriage correctly.
To serve tirelessly. Or send me back in time to 1979, dear Lord, together with my wife. Send us to repeat 1979--2019 for a million times, possibly boring me to death. But my goal will be to ensure that all on Earth are sanctified (purified in behavior) to Your standards, so that we may all be pleasing to You and glorify You, dear Lord. My goal will not be to simply acquire wealth for my family/friends, but will be to bring all Earth's resources under Your wise benevolent command/stewardship. In each cycle, I will study hard, forego frivolous pleasures of this flesh world, and bring about true peace and joy as well as complete sanctification on Earth.
True equality, true contribution. As I gather scientific and medical progress in each cycle, I will set up businesses with a multitude of competent and loving individuals in order to steward the whole world's resources under Your Name. There will be a Basic Income for every human on Earth, such that no one will partake in sinful/unsafe work; many poor people are forced to illegally poach and sell exotic wildlife to make ends meet, thereby releasing pathogens we're not prepared for (SARS, MERS, COVID19, etc). I swear to You, God, that Basic Income will inspire every single human to study/work hard for the advancement of stewardship techniques we use to take care of Earth, this wonderful home you've provided to us all. Given Basic Income, every single human will be joyously and cheerfully engaged in scientific and medical study, for the advancement of human knowledge. Everyone will be gainfully employed, and no one will envy and steal. Everyone will be adequately fed, and wake up daily with a fierce and loving devotion to the advancement of love and care for all Your creations, dear Lord. When there is true equality, Your children will truly contribute joyously and cheerfully for all times.
Study and respect of biodiversity. With complete stewardship of the world's resources, we will set up constant study of new pathogens at the edges of human settlements. Instead of dropping research for a cure for coronaviruses the moment an epidemic naturally subsides, we will maintain diligent study so that we are prepared for future pathogens before epidemics arise. Coupled with zero trade in exotic wildlife, we will never ever experience a sudden and uncontrollable epidemic again. We will also gain much medical research and insight by studying the abundant biodiversity, which brings me to the next points about controlled urbanization further below.
Lessons learned, lessons applied. The immense knowledge gained from Your creations, biodiversity, will give us medical capabilities to extend youthful human life (25-year-old biological age) indefinitely. Everyone will be free to make mistakes for 40 years, and still have time (still be 25) to apply lessons learned to make the world better. I swear to You, God, that we humans are not inherently evil. We repent sincerely. Look at all the ex-convicts who dedicate their lives to constructive businesses, life coaching, etc. Give us this eternal youth, and we will quickly learn to be wise. We will all have the strength to encourage one another to behave morally, rather than employ wise teachers far advanced in age and physically weak. If need be, our wise teachers (still strong at forever-25) can physically and lovingly punish those of us who are wayward, which will absolutely reduce crime and suffering in this world. Sure, separate those who are recalcitrant and sinful; but please know, my God, that an overwhelming majority of us humans will be so grateful for Your gift of youth that we will obey Your highest commandment -- to love You (to learn what is perfect wisdom, love and benevolence) and to love one another completely. Each cycle of 1979--2019, I will study diligently to advance medical capabilities to indefinitely extend human youth. I pray that You give us this indefinite youth, dear Lord, and I promise You that we will all apply every lesson we learn. We will repent continuously, and be continually sanctified for Your glory.
Anti-gravity, space travel, defense tech. I will also work with the brightest minds during 1979--2019 to develop anti-grav propulsion and warp drives, so that we can reach Mars within 3 minutes rather than 3 years. We will terraform Mars for human habitation. We will aspire to make Mars a second home for human settlement. Anti-grav personal flight vehicles can also replace airlines, allowing energy-efficient travel across the Earth. Force fields can be used to create vacuum travel tunnels high in the atmosphere, for supersonic flight without risk of Bird Strike. Personal force fields can also be deployed to every human; defense tech will be so advanced ahead of weapons tech that there will be no wars or violent crimes possible. Personal anti-grav devices embedded into every human will prevent injuries from falls.
Controlled urbanization, population. Each human couple will be encouraged to give birth to only 1 child; divorce will be unnecessary, since every human will be free of strife and be on his/her best possible behavior. This 1 child will have to settle on Mars when he/she comes of age. Since Mars is 3 minutes of travel from Earth, this separation is trivial and will still allow frequent (even daily) meet ups between children and parents. We can withhold indefinite youth treatment for couples who birth more than 1 child, until such time that we are able to terraform and colonize another planet; this should spur us all to terraform a third planet asap. With such population control, coupled with anti-grav enabled architecture that leads to hyper-dense high-rise residential buildings, we can limit urbanization to very small areas on Earth, thereby ensuring a good 90% of the Earth surface continues to produce infinitely beneficial biodiversity that aids our scientific and medical research.
Grown foods. Along with controlled urbanization, we will drastically improve agriculture such that we use very little of the Earth's surface. Aeroponics will be used to grow plants for food, requiring very little water to do so. We will develop techniques to grow synthetic meat, from beef to fish to chicken and such. We will no longer employ livestock for food, no longer incur high carbon footprint to farm for meat. Lab-grown meats will be constantly "exercised " via electrical signals, signals which we will make sure are less energy-intensive to produce than livestock feed. Anti-grav and high-rise architecture will allow us to build food farms right next to residential areas, utterly eliminating the carbon footprint of supply chains (shipping, logistics). Ultimately, we aim to use only 10% of the Earth's surface to house and feed all humans.
Work-Life balance. Everyone will have 30-hour work weeks. Everyone will be encouraged to spend time outside work to develop and strengthen relationships. Humans are evolved to be social and collaborative. Stronger relationships will even lead to higher work productivity, greatly increasing the rate at which we acquire scientific and medical progress. It is likely that such relationship-centric societies will already eliminate mental health problems; medical progress will certainly do so if mental health problems persist.
Give us humans the opportunity to learn our lessons and apply our lessons, dear God. What is the point of punishing us permanently for every little mistake we make? Don't you want each and every one of us humans to serve tirelessly and competently? We will competently steward the resources provided by Your creations, the entire universe.
In Jesus' Name I pray the above. Amen.
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