A night to myself

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Before my husband had even come home from work today, I left the house. I just needed time.

I drove through nearby towns. I drove by the house of the person who ruined my life. I drove by the homes of people I used to call friends.

I parked downtown and went on a short walk across a bridge that crosses the Mississippi River. There was a lookout point on the bridge. I stood there and stared at the rushing water below. I imagined how wonderful it might be to stand atop the rail and just throw myself off, letting the Mississippi take me. The bridge is only 60 feet high, though. I'd probably just get really hurt and end up dying of the hypothermia or drowning. In any case, it was nice to fantasize.

I got home four hours later than I normally would have. I had no reason to be out. No plans. I was expected to be home, My husband did not text me once. He didn't call. Not once in the four hours did he express any concern for my whereabouts or wellbeing. This is the same man who, five months ago, sprung into action when I was missing and got the police and a friend of mine to pick me up in a hotel an hour away. Tonight — nothing.

I think he's come to expect that I'll do it. Maybe he's more ready than I think. Maybe he was even hoping for it, which is why he didn't even try. Maybe he wants me to do it, then he'll finally be free.

It doesn't feel good to be back home. The bottom of the Mississippi seems much more inviting at the moment.

 

[Dark Spring]

I'm sorry you feel this way because of your husband's attitude but understand that no one but you knows what will do you good, don't do things for others, there are many people here that you can lean on when you need to. I hope you find a way to feel good, make the decision that is, I hope it makes you feel good. I send you many hugs, you are not alone

 

[Silvermorning]

When we are depressed , our self steem erodes at such point we end up thinking the worse of everybody.
I'm sure your husband cares about you.

 

[Meditation guide]

I think he's come to expect that I'll do it. Maybe he's more ready than I think. Maybe he was even hoping for it, which is why he didn't even try. Maybe he wants me to do it, then he'll finally be free.

I feel bad for you and understand how hurt you must have been but let me look at it from his perspective also.
He might be getting burned out or have his own issues. It can get tiring living with the problems of another person even when you love them a lot.

It's no picnic to be worried and on alert every day for months and years over someone you live with. I've been there a couple of times and have health problems and ptsd from it.

At least there is someone there when you come home, unlike for me.

 

[Nimbus]

I can imagine what a lonely feeling that was/is. You make me wonder if my partner is ready for me to be gone. For his sake, I guess I hope so. I wonder if it makes a decision to ctb harder or a little easier when our loved ones seem ready for us to go?