Hello everyone.
I'm a future John Doe.
I honestly have no idea why I am doing this. I convinced myself at the beginning of finding this place, that I would stick to the shadows and not actually become someone that others know.
I guess even your own opinions can change.
Brief background Info: I am late 20's, no one special. Haven't become anything of note. Just a person whose Failed miserably at life. And has regrets on wasted time and opportunities. Currently in a self imposed physical and mental prison. I could bitch and moan about how my life is so fucked up. But I feel as though it serves no purpose at this point. As of late, every expression seems to have no intrinsic meaning in the grand scheme of things.
Saturday, July 17th
So I dont know why I have the urge to do this. Perhaps I just want to log my thoughts. A thread that leads to my death.
Today marks the day I have my last item. 50ml bottles.
It feels kinda weird now knowing that I am in total control of my fate now. I can finally go now at any time.
Who will be affected?
Easily my family will be affected. I read the case studies on how the aftermath effects those who survive. The trauma that it leaves for those who survive. I realize that thinking about those who I will leave behind doesn't sway my thought process. I realize that i will fuck others up. But the reward is much greater than the loss. I am reminded that this is inherently selfish. But... Arn't we all?
What Will be the aftermath?
I suppose my mother will be in another high functioning depression, like how she was when her parents died and my dad left her. But shes a strong woman. She'll get over it.
My father, this is a tough one. It could possibly break him. He's already at his lowest point in life and I don't really see how it could get any lower for him. Perhaps my suicide will make him decide to do the same. Either way, hes old and has a terminal illness. He's going to die either way.
My brother. This one i am conflicted about. Technically he doesn't deserve this the added pain. If the definition of a truly good person where to be given a body. It be my brother. Mr Rogers nephew. The very definition of wholesome. Me, i'm the total fucking opposite. He'll loose his brother. But technically he lost me before I died. Sooo... Win/Win?
Apparently to everyone else Ive been selfish my whole life. So why stop now?
When/Where do I plan on doing this?
My working date is: ... and I am looking at a shitty hotel in Gainsville FL. Ive always liked the beach. Seems like a great last thing to do before I transition.
How am I going to do It?
I am going to overdose on SN and Heroin at the same time.
Why do I want to CTB?
I don't really see a point to life. No real reason for existence. Depression (or mental health in general.) is just a byproduct of the complete meaninglessness of reality. A distraction from the fact that we are hairless apes existing on a rock in the middle of the fucking universe with no real reason as to why the fuck we are here. There is so much shit we still don't know about "reality". Despite our advances as a species .
Why homo sapiens exist. What our purpose as humans are.
Everything else we call "life" is just a meaningless distraction from that reality.
We are born into a world against our will without our consent. Socialized against our consent. Forced against our will to endure 15 years of schooling only to realize that half the shit we don't even use. Its all a big worker factory.
We work till we die. With the majority of us for just enough to be able to afford the necessities (Food, Shelter, Clothing) and spend the rest of life distracting ourselves with meaningless shit. (Money, Clothes, Cars, Drugs. Sex. Sports, Expensive Dinners, Religion, Causes, Nights out, Status etc). Then we get our slice of the "American Dream" The house with a two car garage with the nice lawn and a car and an SUV, 5k TV, surround sound. Get a partner, Settle down and have kids and provide for the next generation of social slaves until you die. Then the cycles continues. Meaningless. Suffering. If you are lucky you have a business, or leave some shit to your decendents that they will either piss away or continue until they too die.
We can get caught up in social media. Become a "Consumption Network for others" Post the same regurgitated crap everyone has been programed to say like a sick religion. "Good vibes only, Do these things and you'll… Try this thing and your life will improve, Join my cause, Follow me, Find your tribe, ad nausium". HOPE HOPE HOPE like we're donkeys with carrots in front of us. But at the end of the day. It all means nothing. None of it. We all will die. History will forget the vast majority of us 50 years after we have, life will have moved on. And in the grand scheme of life we never mattered.
I used to have dreams of being a successful musician. Or an entrepreneur. Or even and actor or model or something. Maybe a famous speaker. A political leader. Someone who went against the system. Who changed shit. But I realized Im not special. Neither am I unique. I am just another average person who is here in life. Nothing at all about me stands the fuck out.
But as of late. I don't desire those things like I used to. I just don't want it. Nor do I want to be a part of society as a whole. I do not desire to become a wage slave. I don't desire to change anything. Nothing matters.
The best part about this: This more than likely isn't even my own original idea. But a compilation of predetermined ideas that exist inside of our society.
This means that even this: My own opinions dear reader are subject to be influenced ;manufactured. Predetermined.
That in itself is the reason why I want to get the fuck out of here. In the grand scheme of things. This has meant nothing.
It seems as if we are a pointless species. A fluke. One that exist on this pale blue dot.
I'm a future John Doe.
I honestly have no idea why I am doing this. I convinced myself at the beginning of finding this place, that I would stick to the shadows and not actually become someone that others know.
I guess even your own opinions can change.
Brief background Info: I am late 20's, no one special. Haven't become anything of note. Just a person whose Failed miserably at life. And has regrets on wasted time and opportunities. Currently in a self imposed physical and mental prison. I could bitch and moan about how my life is so fucked up. But I feel as though it serves no purpose at this point. As of late, every expression seems to have no intrinsic meaning in the grand scheme of things.
Saturday, July 17th
So I dont know why I have the urge to do this. Perhaps I just want to log my thoughts. A thread that leads to my death.
Today marks the day I have my last item. 50ml bottles.
It feels kinda weird now knowing that I am in total control of my fate now. I can finally go now at any time.
Who will be affected?
Easily my family will be affected. I read the case studies on how the aftermath effects those who survive. The trauma that it leaves for those who survive. I realize that thinking about those who I will leave behind doesn't sway my thought process. I realize that i will fuck others up. But the reward is much greater than the loss. I am reminded that this is inherently selfish. But... Arn't we all?
What Will be the aftermath?
I suppose my mother will be in another high functioning depression, like how she was when her parents died and my dad left her. But shes a strong woman. She'll get over it.
My father, this is a tough one. It could possibly break him. He's already at his lowest point in life and I don't really see how it could get any lower for him. Perhaps my suicide will make him decide to do the same. Either way, hes old and has a terminal illness. He's going to die either way.
My brother. This one i am conflicted about. Technically he doesn't deserve this the added pain. If the definition of a truly good person where to be given a body. It be my brother. Mr Rogers nephew. The very definition of wholesome. Me, i'm the total fucking opposite. He'll loose his brother. But technically he lost me before I died. Sooo... Win/Win?
Apparently to everyone else Ive been selfish my whole life. So why stop now?
When/Where do I plan on doing this?
My working date is: ... and I am looking at a shitty hotel in Gainsville FL. Ive always liked the beach. Seems like a great last thing to do before I transition.
How am I going to do It?
I am going to overdose on SN and Heroin at the same time.
Why do I want to CTB?
I don't really see a point to life. No real reason for existence. Depression (or mental health in general.) is just a byproduct of the complete meaninglessness of reality. A distraction from the fact that we are hairless apes existing on a rock in the middle of the fucking universe with no real reason as to why the fuck we are here. There is so much shit we still don't know about "reality". Despite our advances as a species .
Why homo sapiens exist. What our purpose as humans are.
Everything else we call "life" is just a meaningless distraction from that reality.
We are born into a world against our will without our consent. Socialized against our consent. Forced against our will to endure 15 years of schooling only to realize that half the shit we don't even use. Its all a big worker factory.
We work till we die. With the majority of us for just enough to be able to afford the necessities (Food, Shelter, Clothing) and spend the rest of life distracting ourselves with meaningless shit. (Money, Clothes, Cars, Drugs. Sex. Sports, Expensive Dinners, Religion, Causes, Nights out, Status etc). Then we get our slice of the "American Dream" The house with a two car garage with the nice lawn and a car and an SUV, 5k TV, surround sound. Get a partner, Settle down and have kids and provide for the next generation of social slaves until you die. Then the cycles continues. Meaningless. Suffering. If you are lucky you have a business, or leave some shit to your decendents that they will either piss away or continue until they too die.
We can get caught up in social media. Become a "Consumption Network for others" Post the same regurgitated crap everyone has been programed to say like a sick religion. "Good vibes only, Do these things and you'll… Try this thing and your life will improve, Join my cause, Follow me, Find your tribe, ad nausium". HOPE HOPE HOPE like we're donkeys with carrots in front of us. But at the end of the day. It all means nothing. None of it. We all will die. History will forget the vast majority of us 50 years after we have, life will have moved on. And in the grand scheme of life we never mattered.
I used to have dreams of being a successful musician. Or an entrepreneur. Or even and actor or model or something. Maybe a famous speaker. A political leader. Someone who went against the system. Who changed shit. But I realized Im not special. Neither am I unique. I am just another average person who is here in life. Nothing at all about me stands the fuck out.
But as of late. I don't desire those things like I used to. I just don't want it. Nor do I want to be a part of society as a whole. I do not desire to become a wage slave. I don't desire to change anything. Nothing matters.
The best part about this: This more than likely isn't even my own original idea. But a compilation of predetermined ideas that exist inside of our society.
This means that even this: My own opinions dear reader are subject to be influenced ;manufactured. Predetermined.
That in itself is the reason why I want to get the fuck out of here. In the grand scheme of things. This has meant nothing.
It seems as if we are a pointless species. A fluke. One that exist on this pale blue dot.
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