birdofafeather
Just tired
- Feb 12, 2023
- 45
For context: to those of you reading this that do not know, I am trans, more specifically, agender (I am not willing to debate on the validity of non binary identities and whether one can consider them as "real trans identities" or not. I was born female, I am no longer female, I'm trans, simple as that.) I am also neurodivergent, diagnosed with autism and ADHD, but there are so many other issues for which I am on several waiting lists (most of which are 3 fucking years long).
There are so many days where I wake up and just think "I cannot stand another fucking minute of this shit. I cannot stand being alive, I cannot take another minute lest I take all the pills I own and try to slit my throat again." I usually end up sleeping for about 20 hours a day to avoid the whole being alive bullshit. And I just think about all the fucking wasted potential that I am, how I've fallen into a horrible awful pit I have absolutely no hope of getting out of and I realise that all this was so fucking preventable. It's too fucking late now. Far too little has been done for me, and my suicide is inevitable. With every attempt, comes the knowledge that there will always be another, and I will only stop once I finally succeed (istg this place is hell and just does not let me die.)
I wish I was neurotypical.
I wish I was cis.
I wish I was born a man.
I wish, I goddamn wish, to high fucking hell, that so many of the experiences that have ended up shaping my identity were not built on pain. I wish my identity was built on comfort, on safety, on joy; things I very much could have fucking had, had the system and society been fucking competent and got me diagnosed with neurodivergency before I was 20, had people allowed me not to go through a puberty that has caused irreparable fucking damage to my body and my brain.
Medically, I cannot do shit. ADHD meds are unavailable to me, autism has no treatment, except for some unbelievably lackluster "accommodations" (which were so obviously created by allistic people, because apparently they know more about autism than autistic people).
I cannot transition safely nor properly: my identity isn't even legally recognised in the first place, and, even if I could be seen, I'd be at the mercy of my GP, and a waiting list so long, that unless a significant amount of people before me die, I'd be stuck on until my goddamn fucking 40s (not to mention I have to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria? As if being trans is a fucking disease? As if I myself do not know myself well enough to definitively say that I am trans?)
I cannot do shit about how I was treated due to my neurodivergency growing up, and even now, and I most certain cannot do shit about the irreparable fucking damage it has caused me.
Because of all this societal and systemic bullshit, I have an eating disorder that I will never ever fully recover from (even now, after the worst of it is past, I am still affected by it. I am stuck with these effects for life), I have scars all over my body that will never fade (especially in summer. Tanning just wants to expose my entire history of attempted self inflicted top surgery, and my long, and ever continuing relationship with self harm to the entire wold and their goddamn mothers. I do not need some random men on the beach giving my zebra looking ass judgemental looks.) I have so much goddamn trauma from trying to kill myself and failing over and over and over that I will probably never get the opportunity to process, due to the constant stream of shit that gets layered on top of everything because nothing can get fixed. Not in my lifetime, at the very least.
And the best I can do with my situation? With the inevitability of me dying "tragically young" by my own hand (something that I have absolutely no feelings towards anymore, just this complete apathetic indifference [I know, somewhere, in another reality, I'd still be fighting to live. Here? It's just a sequence of lackluster attempts, with me oh so desperately hoping that I can finally stop and just be gone.]) All I can do is make a joke out of it. All of my suffering. Hell, the entirety of my waking life. All of it is a big, stupid joke. Because what else can I do? When all I'm doing is essentially just waiting to die, I may as well try and get something out of it.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of failing.
I hope I get to say goodbye for the last time soon. (Any effective method suggestions that don't involve using my neck would be greatly appreciated [I don't want the last thing in my life to be a goddamn flashback, that would suck.])
There are so many days where I wake up and just think "I cannot stand another fucking minute of this shit. I cannot stand being alive, I cannot take another minute lest I take all the pills I own and try to slit my throat again." I usually end up sleeping for about 20 hours a day to avoid the whole being alive bullshit. And I just think about all the fucking wasted potential that I am, how I've fallen into a horrible awful pit I have absolutely no hope of getting out of and I realise that all this was so fucking preventable. It's too fucking late now. Far too little has been done for me, and my suicide is inevitable. With every attempt, comes the knowledge that there will always be another, and I will only stop once I finally succeed (istg this place is hell and just does not let me die.)
I wish I was neurotypical.
I wish I was cis.
I wish I was born a man.
I wish, I goddamn wish, to high fucking hell, that so many of the experiences that have ended up shaping my identity were not built on pain. I wish my identity was built on comfort, on safety, on joy; things I very much could have fucking had, had the system and society been fucking competent and got me diagnosed with neurodivergency before I was 20, had people allowed me not to go through a puberty that has caused irreparable fucking damage to my body and my brain.
Medically, I cannot do shit. ADHD meds are unavailable to me, autism has no treatment, except for some unbelievably lackluster "accommodations" (which were so obviously created by allistic people, because apparently they know more about autism than autistic people).
I cannot transition safely nor properly: my identity isn't even legally recognised in the first place, and, even if I could be seen, I'd be at the mercy of my GP, and a waiting list so long, that unless a significant amount of people before me die, I'd be stuck on until my goddamn fucking 40s (not to mention I have to be diagnosed with gender dysphoria? As if being trans is a fucking disease? As if I myself do not know myself well enough to definitively say that I am trans?)
I cannot do shit about how I was treated due to my neurodivergency growing up, and even now, and I most certain cannot do shit about the irreparable fucking damage it has caused me.
Because of all this societal and systemic bullshit, I have an eating disorder that I will never ever fully recover from (even now, after the worst of it is past, I am still affected by it. I am stuck with these effects for life), I have scars all over my body that will never fade (especially in summer. Tanning just wants to expose my entire history of attempted self inflicted top surgery, and my long, and ever continuing relationship with self harm to the entire wold and their goddamn mothers. I do not need some random men on the beach giving my zebra looking ass judgemental looks.) I have so much goddamn trauma from trying to kill myself and failing over and over and over that I will probably never get the opportunity to process, due to the constant stream of shit that gets layered on top of everything because nothing can get fixed. Not in my lifetime, at the very least.
And the best I can do with my situation? With the inevitability of me dying "tragically young" by my own hand (something that I have absolutely no feelings towards anymore, just this complete apathetic indifference [I know, somewhere, in another reality, I'd still be fighting to live. Here? It's just a sequence of lackluster attempts, with me oh so desperately hoping that I can finally stop and just be gone.]) All I can do is make a joke out of it. All of my suffering. Hell, the entirety of my waking life. All of it is a big, stupid joke. Because what else can I do? When all I'm doing is essentially just waiting to die, I may as well try and get something out of it.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of failing.
I hope I get to say goodbye for the last time soon. (Any effective method suggestions that don't involve using my neck would be greatly appreciated [I don't want the last thing in my life to be a goddamn flashback, that would suck.])
