SufferingDev
Proof of God's Mistakes
- Aug 4, 2024
- 14
Well, so basically on why I want to do it and something about me...
At first glance one could say my life is beautiful, I am only 18, have a job as a programmer in one of the Poland's most known and legendary Internet brands in top of that I run my own business (IT services, video games creation). Everything seems like a dream, well, no.
I won't talk on my previous life problems (pre-2024) because I was able to get through them, then I thought that problems such as I have now does not exist and I can get through everything, well I was deeply wrong.
I have Asperger's syndrome. I never really had friends, but I didn't mind it a lot as I was generally 'liked'. I had one friend (like true friend, or I thought true friend) - I was close to him, I thought I can always rely on him, once I even thought I'm in love with him (im gay) (it turned out there was either no love or very flat one). But it all turned false, not only he lied to me a lot, but I also found out he can't give me what I needed from a "best friend" - our split went natural way and I didn't really care.
Problems started in High School - I choosed one of the best school in my region. That was one of the worse decissions I've made. You don't even imagine how much stress I have received from there, due to memory issues it's hard for me to recall details but I was always genuely terrified on every lesson even having symptoms as stomachache during ones. Nearly every main topic that was discussed the most with my terapist was school - from day one, to my last session (more on that later on).
While life wasn't easy, December 2023 was a time I thought life is going forward - I said to myself, "2024 is going to be my year.", "the year where I will finally achieve my dreams". Everything was literally perfect. My games was on it's high peak earning a lot of money, I had my irl job, I had my biggest and most ambitious project ever (it was something that was really big and Poland-wide, we even had partnership with one of the Poland's major banks and we thought of also partnering with Google) in-the-making, I also found love of my life and was in a happy relationship, I started finding a lot of new friends on the internet. I couldn't imagine how bad things will turn over the span of the new year...
Kicked off with a great New Years Eve party, I entered 2024 full of hope, not soon because only 7 days after, I've lost my beloved boyfriend. My game also started to decline in popularity and revenue. Around 2 months later - this big project I've talked about died due to various reasons. My pain and desperation grew bigger and bigger. School also didn't help - but it was just a "teaser" of what happened later.
Long story short, one of my teachers, one day, did something not-so-OK to me. I filed a complaint to my school's headmaster, due to my activity in school (I was part of school council with aspiration of becoming it's leader, I run a lot of projects and generally did for my school) I was in good relationship with her, she always seemed cool and to care about her students, care about things outside of "learning", like developing your talents. Well, that was 100% false.
She organised a meeting with my mom where she completely went on fighting with us, trying to deny everything, it felt almost like a interrogation, not a talk on the complaint. I was devestated after that meeting, I felt I lost a battle, my frustration on school reached it's high peek. I wanted to end myself and end my school which I think is the primary reason I am in my current state. Well, one time I might (or might not because I genuinely do not remember any of it happening) say a bit "too much" (I mean say something stupid in emotions, not like revealing my actual desires). One day I heard my school headmaster thinks I want to put my school on fire, immedietally I went to her and explain that that are false accusations - the talk went more personal, I've talked about my depression, my failed suicide attempt (or rather failed preparation phase) and so on. I thought everything was OK as of then, until the day I was supposed to do the thing I was accused of, that day it turned out that my headmaster filed a report on me, and Police came to my school to talk to me. Enough is enough, that was over the line. On top of that the headmaster made up some fake documents from the meetings I mentioned earlier - due to how the documents are made, we are 100% sure we (me and my mom) were secretly recorded. Currently we are preparing to write our own docs against the headmaster and send it to upper government control institutions. I hurt her ego and now she's taking revenge on me, that's why I am changing schools now.
It's also worth noting that I've tried going on home education before all of that, but my mom and my doctor refused. I generally do not trust my (now-ex) psychiatrist. She always disregarded my problems saying they don't exist or something like this. Only lately I was able to convince my mom to take me to someone else. But before, there was no progress in my treatment. I had my terapist, she helped me for a long time but she was unable to help me now, she told me that things changed in around Dec 2023 and that "it was my fault", she said she is not willing to work with me anymore.
I also have rather strange situation at home, calling it strange because I do not want to use the word "difficult", but my mother is hard to live with - she do love me, but she still fail to give me support and empathy I need. She usually puts her own values above me (she is a perfectionist, and want to appear as the best in front of everyone).
Going back to my failed love relationship, after our split, we haven't talked even though we wanted to still be friends, things changed when we unexpectedly met irl, we had a talk, we decided that we want to be good with each other, we slowly started talking with each other, currently my ex is my best friend that supports me no matter what - I feel that I get from him what I couldn't get from my previous best friend. He is very valuable to me. Will we get back to each other, rather not. He is not searching for a relationship currently, I am willing to get back together but he has to first have a will to be in a relationship. On top of that, hopefully I have found a lot of new friends, thanks to the furry fandom I am a part of, I am now regulary attending events and meeting with my friends - that is everything I have in life as of now, but I feel it's not enough to live.
So that was about me, and why am I here. Thank you for reading.
At first glance one could say my life is beautiful, I am only 18, have a job as a programmer in one of the Poland's most known and legendary Internet brands in top of that I run my own business (IT services, video games creation). Everything seems like a dream, well, no.
I won't talk on my previous life problems (pre-2024) because I was able to get through them, then I thought that problems such as I have now does not exist and I can get through everything, well I was deeply wrong.
I have Asperger's syndrome. I never really had friends, but I didn't mind it a lot as I was generally 'liked'. I had one friend (like true friend, or I thought true friend) - I was close to him, I thought I can always rely on him, once I even thought I'm in love with him (im gay) (it turned out there was either no love or very flat one). But it all turned false, not only he lied to me a lot, but I also found out he can't give me what I needed from a "best friend" - our split went natural way and I didn't really care.
Problems started in High School - I choosed one of the best school in my region. That was one of the worse decissions I've made. You don't even imagine how much stress I have received from there, due to memory issues it's hard for me to recall details but I was always genuely terrified on every lesson even having symptoms as stomachache during ones. Nearly every main topic that was discussed the most with my terapist was school - from day one, to my last session (more on that later on).
While life wasn't easy, December 2023 was a time I thought life is going forward - I said to myself, "2024 is going to be my year.", "the year where I will finally achieve my dreams". Everything was literally perfect. My games was on it's high peak earning a lot of money, I had my irl job, I had my biggest and most ambitious project ever (it was something that was really big and Poland-wide, we even had partnership with one of the Poland's major banks and we thought of also partnering with Google) in-the-making, I also found love of my life and was in a happy relationship, I started finding a lot of new friends on the internet. I couldn't imagine how bad things will turn over the span of the new year...
Kicked off with a great New Years Eve party, I entered 2024 full of hope, not soon because only 7 days after, I've lost my beloved boyfriend. My game also started to decline in popularity and revenue. Around 2 months later - this big project I've talked about died due to various reasons. My pain and desperation grew bigger and bigger. School also didn't help - but it was just a "teaser" of what happened later.
Long story short, one of my teachers, one day, did something not-so-OK to me. I filed a complaint to my school's headmaster, due to my activity in school (I was part of school council with aspiration of becoming it's leader, I run a lot of projects and generally did for my school) I was in good relationship with her, she always seemed cool and to care about her students, care about things outside of "learning", like developing your talents. Well, that was 100% false.
She organised a meeting with my mom where she completely went on fighting with us, trying to deny everything, it felt almost like a interrogation, not a talk on the complaint. I was devestated after that meeting, I felt I lost a battle, my frustration on school reached it's high peek. I wanted to end myself and end my school which I think is the primary reason I am in my current state. Well, one time I might (or might not because I genuinely do not remember any of it happening) say a bit "too much" (I mean say something stupid in emotions, not like revealing my actual desires). One day I heard my school headmaster thinks I want to put my school on fire, immedietally I went to her and explain that that are false accusations - the talk went more personal, I've talked about my depression, my failed suicide attempt (or rather failed preparation phase) and so on. I thought everything was OK as of then, until the day I was supposed to do the thing I was accused of, that day it turned out that my headmaster filed a report on me, and Police came to my school to talk to me. Enough is enough, that was over the line. On top of that the headmaster made up some fake documents from the meetings I mentioned earlier - due to how the documents are made, we are 100% sure we (me and my mom) were secretly recorded. Currently we are preparing to write our own docs against the headmaster and send it to upper government control institutions. I hurt her ego and now she's taking revenge on me, that's why I am changing schools now.
It's also worth noting that I've tried going on home education before all of that, but my mom and my doctor refused. I generally do not trust my (now-ex) psychiatrist. She always disregarded my problems saying they don't exist or something like this. Only lately I was able to convince my mom to take me to someone else. But before, there was no progress in my treatment. I had my terapist, she helped me for a long time but she was unable to help me now, she told me that things changed in around Dec 2023 and that "it was my fault", she said she is not willing to work with me anymore.
I also have rather strange situation at home, calling it strange because I do not want to use the word "difficult", but my mother is hard to live with - she do love me, but she still fail to give me support and empathy I need. She usually puts her own values above me (she is a perfectionist, and want to appear as the best in front of everyone).
Going back to my failed love relationship, after our split, we haven't talked even though we wanted to still be friends, things changed when we unexpectedly met irl, we had a talk, we decided that we want to be good with each other, we slowly started talking with each other, currently my ex is my best friend that supports me no matter what - I feel that I get from him what I couldn't get from my previous best friend. He is very valuable to me. Will we get back to each other, rather not. He is not searching for a relationship currently, I am willing to get back together but he has to first have a will to be in a relationship. On top of that, hopefully I have found a lot of new friends, thanks to the furry fandom I am a part of, I am now regulary attending events and meeting with my friends - that is everything I have in life as of now, but I feel it's not enough to live.
So that was about me, and why am I here. Thank you for reading.
