irregularheartbeat
Memento Mori
- Aug 25, 2019
- 65
I just need somewhere to talk about all of this.
All of my life I have suffered from psychosis, the things I experienced as a child just went farther than a normal imagination and never stopped, but rather worsened as I grew older.
I don't think any of this would be so bad for me now, but the bullying I experienced was rather intense. Being locked in small spaces for hours, being beaten, for years they gkt very creative. They went through a phase of water boarding when they learned what it was. This carried on from 3 years old, until I was about 9-10 when most of them moved away. My bestfriend went through all of this with me, we would escape at eachothers houses all the time though. But her parents are addicts. Growing uo knowing what its like to hear a women being raped and beaten does not leave a happy impression on this world. Fighting to get into a room thats barricaded shut because you're afraid her mother who's also high as a kite will die, but to no avail having to sit helpless outside? It all still haunts me. It's been years since it's been that bad but I still hear it everyday. My own mom has always been very ill herself, she's never been very stable and she's always taken it out on me. I remember when I was 15, I was dating an older guy, he was about 19 at the time. Him and his friend were going to get me really stoned they said. It wasn't weed, looking back I think it was Salvia. This happened on several occasions, I don't remember much of the nights but I know they raped me. God knows how many times honestly. I don't know why I stayed with that guy. I was so fucking stupid. I've had so much bullshit like all of this happen. My longest relationshio was two years, with a man who emotionly and sometimes physically abused me so bad. I worked full time by myself most of our relationship to support us, and his drug addictions that I gave into as well as a way of coping. He made me do all kinds of sex work online to make him money, even when I really didn't want to it was a choice between, get naked and do this, or be screamed at and pushed around until you do it anyway. I feel as though I've never been destined for happiness.
I tried to ctb when I was 17, I tried to overdose on a cabnet full of my prescriptions, both old and new. My parents found me and rushed me to the ER, they weren't sure if I would wake up or not until I did. I was /almost/ there. Nothing has been the same since, I'm pretty sure I died in that reality and my consciousness traveled to this one. I'm not allowed to be happy here, I'm 21 and I haven't been allowed happiness since. It dances in front of me, but everytime I try and touch it the demons who are controlling my fate rip it away. Every fucking time. And I just don't think I can live with any of this. What fucked up thing am I going to be forced to live through next? Who's going to be the next person to hurt and abuse me? Do the flashbacks or hallucinations ever stop? Its all too much. Every day is overwhelming.
I want to ctb.
All of my life I have suffered from psychosis, the things I experienced as a child just went farther than a normal imagination and never stopped, but rather worsened as I grew older.
I don't think any of this would be so bad for me now, but the bullying I experienced was rather intense. Being locked in small spaces for hours, being beaten, for years they gkt very creative. They went through a phase of water boarding when they learned what it was. This carried on from 3 years old, until I was about 9-10 when most of them moved away. My bestfriend went through all of this with me, we would escape at eachothers houses all the time though. But her parents are addicts. Growing uo knowing what its like to hear a women being raped and beaten does not leave a happy impression on this world. Fighting to get into a room thats barricaded shut because you're afraid her mother who's also high as a kite will die, but to no avail having to sit helpless outside? It all still haunts me. It's been years since it's been that bad but I still hear it everyday. My own mom has always been very ill herself, she's never been very stable and she's always taken it out on me. I remember when I was 15, I was dating an older guy, he was about 19 at the time. Him and his friend were going to get me really stoned they said. It wasn't weed, looking back I think it was Salvia. This happened on several occasions, I don't remember much of the nights but I know they raped me. God knows how many times honestly. I don't know why I stayed with that guy. I was so fucking stupid. I've had so much bullshit like all of this happen. My longest relationshio was two years, with a man who emotionly and sometimes physically abused me so bad. I worked full time by myself most of our relationship to support us, and his drug addictions that I gave into as well as a way of coping. He made me do all kinds of sex work online to make him money, even when I really didn't want to it was a choice between, get naked and do this, or be screamed at and pushed around until you do it anyway. I feel as though I've never been destined for happiness.
I tried to ctb when I was 17, I tried to overdose on a cabnet full of my prescriptions, both old and new. My parents found me and rushed me to the ER, they weren't sure if I would wake up or not until I did. I was /almost/ there. Nothing has been the same since, I'm pretty sure I died in that reality and my consciousness traveled to this one. I'm not allowed to be happy here, I'm 21 and I haven't been allowed happiness since. It dances in front of me, but everytime I try and touch it the demons who are controlling my fate rip it away. Every fucking time. And I just don't think I can live with any of this. What fucked up thing am I going to be forced to live through next? Who's going to be the next person to hurt and abuse me? Do the flashbacks or hallucinations ever stop? Its all too much. Every day is overwhelming.
I want to ctb.
