A job ig?

[woofwag]

I got hired for a job a couple days ago. Yesterday was one of the orientation days, and it was eight brutal hours, but I got through it. Ig I should be happy. Now I won't have to worry about being evicted or whatever, at least until I get paid which idk if that will even happen by the end of this month. But I'm not happy. I have POTS, and this job (helping to take care of disabled people within their homes) is going to require at least some aspect of physical labor. I still have episodes semi-frequently, but I will have to be able to power through them if I actually want to keep this job. Idk if I'm even physically capable of doing so. All I really wanted this job for was to prolong my ctb a little longer so I can prep more and for drugs. But I might not have the ability to do prep if I'm this overwhelmed, or be able to sustain taking any amount of drugs either.

I don't like my life, I don't like being alive, I don't like all this guilt and anguish and fear I have about everything. I know I'm too burnt out to ever pursue my passion of writing, and it wouldn't matter anyway because I know I'm not good enough to ever make a living off of it, even if I am decent at the craft. But decent isn't good enough, not in anything in this life. I'm already horrified by all that goes on in this world and all that has happened to me. Why should some stupid job make me feel any better? If anything, I feel worse now knowing that I need to keep producing and working endlessly for the vast majority of my life just to survive. I don't understand how other people aren't so disillusioned with this horrible world too.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

Woofwag, so good to hear from you again. I thought you've caught the ride over yonder.

Do you get meds for the POTS? It sucks to be depended on pills just to live another day as another cog in the machine but at least you have a vision and that vision is to prep more things for when you do CTB.

I hope that you're able to pull through for as long as you can, dude.