SterileMoth
Who knows man
- Jul 9, 2020
- 74
I just need to get this out somewhere, I feel like I'm going fucking crazy.
As some of you saw, I had a drunk breakdown last night. I ended up SH'ing, and then tried partial suspension. I'm not sure if I did it right and if I was close to passing out or not, I did start to see stars and I felt IMMENSE pressure behind my eyes which was very uncomfortable. I feel really weird today knowing that I did, in some extent, try to ctb. I can't tell anyone. I was messaging my friend while I had the scarf tied around my neck, he knew I was feeling bad but didn't know I actually tried. I was so out of it and so distressed that I didn't recognize myself in the mirror, I still don't look quite right today. I wanted to bash my head in when I looked in the mirror, I wanted to get rid of the person looking back that wasn't me, that was an alien. Today I've cried because I realized I wont get to move out with my ex, I had looked forward to that. I forgot about that. I'll never get to have a home with him. Oh well I guess. I've decided to cut off contact with him, if he wants to talk he can message me and direct the conversation. He can put in 70% and ill put in 30%, I put in most of the effort for our whole relationship so it's his turn if he really wants to talk, but I'm not going to stick around and wait for him to start dating someone else. To gut myself over that. I'll either ctb before then, or I wont talk to him to know, or he can come back. That's all I can do.
I just feel really weird and off today, anyways. I took a couple swigs of a flat cider I didn't finish this morning, which feels so achingly similar to when I first started falling into the depths of alcohol abuse. It's kind of scary. That was a really dark period in my life, where I abused anything and everything I could get my hands on. It's my moms birthday and I tried to ctb last night, I SH'ed, I don't recognize myself, and started drinking within an hour of waking up. I'm trying hard to look normal, and ignore everything happening in my head. I've been bitched at before for ruining birthdays with my depression, when I couldn't hold it in. I don't want to ruin another. The other days of the week haven't been bad, my "Idgaf" attitude has felt freeing at best, last night it was ... less great. My friend told me it sounds like rock bottom to him, if I don't care about anything anymore.
I have a question about partial suspension though, for those who know, is the pressure behind your eyes normal? And is there normally pressure in your ears as well? It felt like they were popping out of their sockets at the worst point, and in my ears it felt similar to an ear infection. I'd assume it's normal? The starry vision and feeling light headed was obviously because I was cutting off enough blood flow, I'm sure if I hadn't sat up that I would have passed out shortly after, I probably sat there for about 30 seconds though so I'm not sure I had the positioning right. BUT was the pressure behind my eyes and in my ears normal? Is that something I should anticipate and tolerate, or should I experiment with different positioning some more? Get some more practice in? Thank you!
As some of you saw, I had a drunk breakdown last night. I ended up SH'ing, and then tried partial suspension. I'm not sure if I did it right and if I was close to passing out or not, I did start to see stars and I felt IMMENSE pressure behind my eyes which was very uncomfortable. I feel really weird today knowing that I did, in some extent, try to ctb. I can't tell anyone. I was messaging my friend while I had the scarf tied around my neck, he knew I was feeling bad but didn't know I actually tried. I was so out of it and so distressed that I didn't recognize myself in the mirror, I still don't look quite right today. I wanted to bash my head in when I looked in the mirror, I wanted to get rid of the person looking back that wasn't me, that was an alien. Today I've cried because I realized I wont get to move out with my ex, I had looked forward to that. I forgot about that. I'll never get to have a home with him. Oh well I guess. I've decided to cut off contact with him, if he wants to talk he can message me and direct the conversation. He can put in 70% and ill put in 30%, I put in most of the effort for our whole relationship so it's his turn if he really wants to talk, but I'm not going to stick around and wait for him to start dating someone else. To gut myself over that. I'll either ctb before then, or I wont talk to him to know, or he can come back. That's all I can do.
I just feel really weird and off today, anyways. I took a couple swigs of a flat cider I didn't finish this morning, which feels so achingly similar to when I first started falling into the depths of alcohol abuse. It's kind of scary. That was a really dark period in my life, where I abused anything and everything I could get my hands on. It's my moms birthday and I tried to ctb last night, I SH'ed, I don't recognize myself, and started drinking within an hour of waking up. I'm trying hard to look normal, and ignore everything happening in my head. I've been bitched at before for ruining birthdays with my depression, when I couldn't hold it in. I don't want to ruin another. The other days of the week haven't been bad, my "Idgaf" attitude has felt freeing at best, last night it was ... less great. My friend told me it sounds like rock bottom to him, if I don't care about anything anymore.
I have a question about partial suspension though, for those who know, is the pressure behind your eyes normal? And is there normally pressure in your ears as well? It felt like they were popping out of their sockets at the worst point, and in my ears it felt similar to an ear infection. I'd assume it's normal? The starry vision and feeling light headed was obviously because I was cutting off enough blood flow, I'm sure if I hadn't sat up that I would have passed out shortly after, I probably sat there for about 30 seconds though so I'm not sure I had the positioning right. BUT was the pressure behind my eyes and in my ears normal? Is that something I should anticipate and tolerate, or should I experiment with different positioning some more? Get some more practice in? Thank you!
