inkmage333
please just free me and let me die
- Feb 18, 2025
- 132
Every night I pray for someone or something to kill me because I just can't bring myself to do it on myself. I'm too much of a coward to try any of the methods on myself, so now I've gotten desperate enough to pray that something out there finishes the job for me.
I hate it. I hate living like this. I hate myself. I'm greedy. I have so many achievements going for me and it still isn't enough to bring me the satisfaction I need. I can't be loved enough, because no love I receive is ever enough. I can't even feel anything anymore when my mom says she's proud of me. Not helped at all by the fact I experience chronic boredom-- no amount of "try new things" that professionals tell me will ever help, because I did try new things. I really did. None of them gave me that spark that could make me want to live, and in the end I only feel truly alive when I'm in danger.
I'm not sure why I'm still in therapy at this point. I guess it's because it's nice to talk to my therapist about the things I can't bring up with my mom. Still, though...it's not enough.
I hate it. I hate living like this. I hate myself. I'm greedy. I have so many achievements going for me and it still isn't enough to bring me the satisfaction I need. I can't be loved enough, because no love I receive is ever enough. I can't even feel anything anymore when my mom says she's proud of me. Not helped at all by the fact I experience chronic boredom-- no amount of "try new things" that professionals tell me will ever help, because I did try new things. I really did. None of them gave me that spark that could make me want to live, and in the end I only feel truly alive when I'm in danger.
I'm not sure why I'm still in therapy at this point. I guess it's because it's nice to talk to my therapist about the things I can't bring up with my mom. Still, though...it's not enough.
