A graph of my happiness/excitement through life

[TheGoodGuy]

I have posted a graph before on this site I made quickly month ago this one I just made and is way more accurate I am just curious if anyone can relate like if any of these numbers and ages come even close to how you feel.

Apathy, anhedonia, physical and mental problems has completed destroyed me at this point so now I literally feel 0% happiness or excitement for anything I see life as an open world game where I have completed 100% of it and everything now is just boring and I am just looking for the exit button, I never wanted wife, kids, grandkids, education, job or any of that I see life as childhood and teenage years and well those happy and exciting years are long gone and I just need to die there is no more here for me other than further suffering I can literally say that every year I go into the future my "life" will be worse and the same goes for the opposite where every year I go back my life gets better here is a list of all of my problems that gets worse by each passing year if anyone should be interested so it´s not just a figure of speech.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I have been much happier as an adult than as a child, and especially than as a teenager. As an adult, I had more control over my life, and I became more comfortable with myself and fit in better socially with each passing year starting at 25. Turning 40 was great, and 38-45 were the best and most empowered years of my life. Then things went downhill.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

I'm so sorry..Mine was at 100 till 21. Then started to decrease. Now it's 0 (27). I don't know what I live for. I have nothing to lose. It's the same if I die or not.

 

[faust]

Hello, @TheGoodGuy
The graph for me would be a bit different, I became very depressed when I was a teen, being 16 planned a suicide when I would be 17, but the mania came and it was amazing. However, after a high shot everything started deteriorating and now I am in the place I could not wish anybody to be in.
This is a very rough estimation because I had good days or bad days. But overall it is something like that:
I don't remember what was before 2 y.o., only a few things.

 

[Whitewash11235814]

Mine went from 80-90 at 7-10 age to literally 10-20 at 10.5 once I migrated to US. Bullied, ostracized, dumb parents, etc...
At 20 it's hovering at a 5-10/100. Zero ambition and numb as a rock.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Hello, @TheGoodGuy
The graph for me would be a bit different, I became very depressed when I was a teen, being 16 planned a suicide when I would be 17, but the mania came and it was amazing. However, after a high shot everything started deteriorating and now I am in the place I could not wish anybody to be in.
This is a very rough estimation because I had good days or bad days. But overall it is something like that:
I don't remember what was before 2 y.o., only a few things.
View attachment 29792

Nice to see other people´s graphs, peculiar how you happiness/excitement went up at 13 and I assume the extreme incline at 17 was from the mania? but still the graph shows like mine that the older we get the more life sucks, life is so good as a child especially because of the imagination, ignorance and naivete and everything is new, remember studying plants and insects as a child? Looking for the perfect stick as a sword or gun, excitement to play a new video game or eat some junk food? Nothing is exciting anymore I have tried it a million times e.g. when watching a movie I already know what the twist is before it is revealed, video games are more or less the same mechanic where as when you first played a shooter game at maybe 7 years old it was all so new and exciting nowadays the new games are still shooter games they just have better graphics.

Mine went from 80-90 at 7-10 age to literally 10-20 at 10.5 once I migrated to US. Bullied, ostracized, dumb parents, etc...
At 20 it's hovering at a 5-10/100. Zero ambition and numb as a rock.

Even though how hard I try to understand that is the truth for some people my mind can´t comprehend that childhood can be bad like even with the things you mentioned I bet you still had an imagination to play, ignorance and naivete to believe in Santa Claus, The tooth fairy or even that magic might exist and you could develope powers or just be excited to come home from school to watch a TV show or play a game you liked.

 

[waterbottleman]

Damn consistently declining happiness as time goes on.

My peak happiness was 17-21 except 18 years old sucked.

Everything when down hill for me 22 and after.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Damn consistently declining happiness as time goes on.

Hense my quote "childhood was paradise" my life ended by puberty all the hormonal changes caused depression and suicidal thoughts plus the need to be more responsible where childhood is basically like those baby shows like Teletubbies or Banana in Pyjamas it was literally just a carefree world where nothing truly bad happened.

 

[faust]

Nice to see other people´s graphs, peculiar how you happiness/excitement went up at 13 and I assume the extreme incline at 17 was from the mania? but still the graph shows like mine that the older we get the more life sucks, life is so good as a child especially because of the imagination, ignorance and naivete and everything is new, remember studying plants and insects as a child? Looking for the perfect stick as a sword or gun, excitement to play a new video game or eat some junk food? Nothing is exciting anymore I have tried it a million times e.g. when watching a movie I already know what the twist is before it is revealed, video games are more or less the same mechanic where as when you first played a shooter game at maybe 7 years old it was all so new and exciting nowadays the new games are still shooter games they just have better graphics.

Even though how hard I try to understand that is the truth for some people my mind can´t comprehend that childhood can be bad like even with the things you mentioned I bet you still had an imagination to play, ignorance and naivete to believe in Santa Claus, The tooth fairy or even that magic might exist and you could develope powers or just be excited to come home from school to watch a TV show or play a game you liked.

Right now I have a total mental health collapse and anhedonia. To this weird soup a seasoning of existential crisis and lack of perspectives is added, stirred well so that SN or N flavor seems adorable after tasting the previous mix.
I had a great mania when I was 17 for sure. I did more things than I had done for my entire life. And that was the time when I gave my life another chance. But the fire of mania ceased to burn and the ashes were washed away with the morning rain.

 

[waterbottleman]

Hense my quote "childhood was paradise" my life ended by puberty all the hormonal changes caused depression and suicidal thoughts plus the need to be more responsible where childhood is basically like those baby shows like Teletubbies or Banana in Pyjamas it was literally just a carefree world where nothing truly bad happened.

Yeah I hear ya.

Being a late teen for me was the best because I had more freedom/independence than when I was a kid but I also didn't have the responsibilities/expectations of an adult. Also at that age your whole life is still ahead of you so you don't feel regret for the mistakes you've made.

Also I actually got attention from the opposite sex when I was a teenager. That helped a lot with my self esteem and overall enjoyment in life.

Also when you're young so many things seem new and exciting, there's so many things to explore that you have not before. When you get older life loses that luster, everything gets more mundane and less interesting. You get more jaded by accumulating bad experiences over the years.

Being an adult sucks, at least for me it has.

Right now I have a total mental health collapse and anhedonia. To this weird soup a seasoning of existential crisis and lack of perspectives is added, stirred well so that SN or N flavor seems adorable after tasting the previous mix.
I had a great mania when I was 17 for sure. I did more things than I had done for my entire life. And that was the time when I gave my life another chance. But the fire of mania ceased to burn and the ashes were washed away with the morning rain.

Yeah when I was 17 I had a girlfriend who I thought was the most beautiful girl in the world. We'd spend a lot of time at her house fooling around for hours. 17 was also the peak of my social life, had a lot of friends, met new people, smoked weed and partied a lot. It was a ton of fun being 17.

My only regret was that I don't think I appreciated it as much as I should have.

But it's as they say youth is wasted on the young.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Right now I have a total mental health collapse and anhedonia. To this weird soup a seasoning of existential crisis and lack of perspectives is added, stirred well so that SN or N flavor seems adorable after tasting the previous mix.
I had a great mania when I was 17 for sure. I did more things than I had done for my entire life. And that was the time when I gave my life another chance. But the fire of mania ceased to burn and the ashes were washed away with the morning rain.

Yeah I gave life another change several times where I really felt I am going to make it I even have a folder with over 900 pictures of motivational quotes that I would recycle as my background desktop every 3-4 hour and read it because if I just kept the same eventually I forget it is there that is how much I was into all that positive thinking.

Some people are just predetermined to suffer, there is nothing I can go back and change that would make up for anything all my physical and mental problems were just waiting like a beast in the dark to get me as I grew older.

 

[needtogo]

I have posted a graph before on this site I made quickly month ago this one I just made and is way more accurate I am just curious if anyone can relate like if any of these numbers and ages come even close to how you feel.

Apathy, anhedonia, physical and mental problems has completed destroyed me at this point so now I literally feel 0% happiness or excitement for anything I see life as an open world game where I have completed 100% of it and everything now is just boring and I am just looking for the exit button, I never wanted wife, kids, grandkids, education, job or any of that I see life as childhood and teenage years and well those happy and exciting years are long gone and I just need to die there is no more here for me other than further suffering I can literally say that every year I go into the future my "life" will be worse and the same goes for the opposite where every year I go back my life gets better here is a list of all of my problems that gets worse by each passing year if anyone should be interested so it´s not just a figure of speech.
View attachment 29787

Crazy mine is this inverted except at 22 it went from 100 to 0.

 

[faust]

@waterbottleman Oh, this sweet 17... Btw it was March 13th recently, the day when I could kiss a girl who loved me. I was 17 then. My life could be absolutely different. I broke up with my gf a few days ago (was it yesterday or 2 days ago I don't remember, time passes by and I am too lost to keep track of it). And ye, I had a huge amount of friends when I was 17 as well. Youth is wasted...
@TheGoodGuy Oh, I did not have any pictures, but I have read 200+ motivational/business/psychology books when I was 17-19. They worked perfectly when I was 17. When I was already 18-19 it was something like "okay, nice book, let's move on to another one". Now I think it is just a waste of time for a guy who has schizoaffective to read about self-development. Plus I have read all the best books, nothing absolutely life-changing appeared the last few years. It is hard to surprise me now.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Crazy mine is this inverted except at 22 it went from 100 to 0.

At least you got twice as long to be happy but then again if it went from 100 to 0 in basically no time that must´ve been rough.

@TheGoodGuy Oh, I did not have any pictures, but I have read 200+ motivational/business/psychology books when I was 17-19. They worked perfectly when I was 17. When I was already 18-19 it was something like "okay, nice book, let's move on to another one". Now I think it is just a waste of time for a guy who has schizoaffective to read about self-development. Plus I have read all the best books, nothing absolutely life-changing appeared the last few years. It is hard to surprise me now.

Damn that was a lot of books I only read a couple self help books and tbh positive thinking does help a bit you can´t deny that but the way people make it out to be like everyone no matter how bad their situation is can recover completely just by positive thinking is complete bullshit but of course thinking positive stimulates the brain in a positive manner.

 

[faust]

@TheGoodGuy These books are helpful for sure, but they are useless for people with mental health problems. I remember myself reading the book at night and waking up like a completely different person (apathy, tiredness, anhedonia). They can help you if you are not confident enough, don't know your purpose in life, want to get better in something, but when your personality and mood changing rapidly, that is not more than a good read.

 

[needtogo]

At least you got twice as long to be happy but then again if it went from 100 to 0 in basically no time that must´ve been rough.

Damn that was a lot of books I only read a couple self help books and tbh positive thinking does help a bit you can´t deny that but the way people make it out to be like everyone no matter how bad their situation is can recover completely just by positive thinking is complete bullshit but of course thinking positive stimulates the brain in a positive manner.

Oh yea think about rolling up a Jay to celebrate winning the golden lotto ticket to life, smoking it to oblivion, then realizing while your higher than a kite in space, that you rolled up that dank kush with that lotto ticket.

 

[faust]

Oh yea think about rolling up a Jay to celebrate winning the golden lotto ticket to life, smoking it to oblivion, then realizing while your higher than a kite in space, that you rolled up that dank kush with that lotto ticket.

Unfortunately we will never see authors like Napoleon Hill again and everything published now is not a 20-year work. Money first, quality second.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I can't do an objective life encompassing graph, but I use dailio with the suggestion of my therapist.
Instead of life, here are the last three month.

Orange: batshit crazy happy.
Green: normal happy.
Purple: average zombie mood.
Blue: bad.
Black: actively pondering ctb.

The graph is for average mood on a day.
I can apparently export everything since day one of picking up dailio. Curious. Enjoy that one too, then.
It seems that shit has hit the fan after switching to my current meds, but I can't switch out because maybe surgery maybe soon.

 

[faust]

I can't do an objective life encompassing graph, but I use dailio with the suggestion of my therapist.
Instead of life, here are the last three month.

Orange: batshit crazy happy.
Green: normal happy.
Purple: average zombie mood.
Blue: bad.
Black: actively pondering ctb.

The graph is for average mood on a day.
I can apparently export everything since day one of picking up dailio. Curious. Enjoy that one too, then.
It seems that shit has hit the fan after switching to my current meds, but I can't switch out because maybe surgery maybe soon.

Oh, these stats are awesome! I mean concerning self-reflection. I am on microdosing now so will do something similar in a while, now not too much details.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Mine is pretty much 0 ever since I was 13 and my world crashed down
Well, sometimes Im genuinely happy but for a few hours or a day so thats negligible.

It looks so wise explained by a graph, I want to do mine too but Im mathematically challenged

 

[Otter]

Oh, these stats are awesome! I mean concerning self-reflection. I am on microdosing now so will do something similar in a while, now not too much details.

What are you microdosing? I want to do shrooms (never even done them before, but did acid once and loved it. I have MDD and anhedonia, like you, but no SAD.

 

[faust]

What are you microdosing? I want to do shrooms (never even done them before, but did acid once and loved it. I have MDD and anhedonia, like you, but no SAD.

I am currently microdosing cannabis (High THC, low CBD - CBD does not help me)

 

[TAW122]

This graph is pretty accurate of my life as well, albeit some differences. I would say there are some ups and downs, but with a general downward trend. Lately, I've been on the lower end of the happiness scale, I'm just existing and going through the motions while I wait for the right time and opportunity. With all the coronavirus shit going on, it's becoming a bit logistically difficult to access what I seek to, so when this pandemic passes, (which I presume months from now in the US) it would in the 2nd half of 2020, which is about the right time for me to CTB.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

My life didn't really start to turn until I was about 23. I've been straight up miserable since I was 24/25. I'm 33. When I was younger, if I was bored or having a bad time, I would just daydream about the endless opportunities I'd have in my future and that would give me a natural high. Any scenario seemed possible. I've realized now that my entire life, fantasies are really what made me happy and they made me so happy because at the time, they seemed attainable. Thinking about my future now brings me to sites like these. It's not the same.