Story A fruitless battle.

[bubbaslugg]

Hello this is my first time posting. I was always on the fence about ctb in recent years. Back in the day I tried many times to kill myself in teenage years but nothing stuck. I was hospitalized at least 5-7 times all in attempts to "fix" the wrong attitude about life that I had. It seemed to work for a while. After getting into an outpatient group and trying to get more spiritual in nature. Late 2019 and most of 2020 I thought that I had changed. That truly the dark thoughts that would slip in. I thought I silenced them. I thought that I could give this life thing another try. Just recently however I have tried mushrooms with a friend. I believe they showed me the ugly truths about my soul and reignited my contempt for being alive. It showed how much of mockery myself/life is. I have recently started reading the night night method and have purchased the tape with what little funds I have. All my life I never committed to anything. Just hopefully wishing things would get better. I feel ctb can at least be something I complete in this life. I plan on doing it tonight. Hopefully this will grant me the peace I want.