If you have seen my previous thread, I am deciding to ctb in about 15 days or so. That hasn't change. I just had a fit of some sort of madness, I went to my bathroom to take a shower, and I just lost it, I got angry, I started to throw various things around my room, I bashed my chair against my wall, it's dry wall so it broke a bit. I also punched my face and clawed at it. I have calmed down now, I don't know what or why it happened. I need to relax, the idea of ctb in a couple of weeks is getting to me, I'm so hopeless and distraught. I'm in tears now, please help me, I don't want to ctb, I want to live, but I just can't, I'm suffering, i'm in a lot of pain. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sorry, I'm such a pathetic and contagious pestilence, I apologize for infecting such guilt and shame on these forums. I'm just trying to reach out, I'm desperate, I don't know what to do.
In my opinion, no one truly wants to cbt. Just sometimes, circumstances and enough suffering just makes cbt the only resort to find a way out. I'm in no way of saying cbt should be a way out for everyone that is suffering. Some of us just don't have any options left.
It does seem to me that you are fighting and you are definitely trying to make sense of life. And that's okay, you have spirit left. I would love to offer some unsolicited advice if you would like to hear it:
Use that fighting spirit you have right now, that fear of dying, to find something that would maybe give you purpose. To live for yourself, if you have the strength to do so. With that purpose, work your mindset around it. Make it so it's okay to wake up in the morning, it doesn't have to be an everyday thing. It also doesn't mean you don't wake up one day saying to yourself, "I don't want to get out of bed," because you will have those days, guaranteed. But to have something that you can have a vision for, a hobby, a certain future, a career, etc., will make thinks better to live life.
but also expand on that purpose eventually find thing similar to the things that make you happy, find things that make you happy that are on the complete opposite spectrum. Don't make the mistake I made. I had one sole purpose and lost it all in the span of 12 hours. Because I couldn't find other things to live for, and I couldn't get my purpose for living back, I have nowhere to go and nothing left to live for. End unsolicited advice.
Whatever you choose, I hope you find peace.
It does seem to me that you are fighting and you are definitely trying to make sense of life. And that's okay, you have spirit left. I would love to offer some unsolicited advice if you would like to hear it:
Use that fighting spirit you have right now, that fear of dying, to find something that would maybe give you purpose. To live for yourself, if you have the strength to do so. With that purpose, work your mindset around it. Make it so it's okay to wake up in the morning, it doesn't have to be an everyday thing. It also doesn't mean you don't wake up one day saying to yourself, "I don't want to get out of bed," because you will have those days, guaranteed. But to have something that you can have a vision for, a hobby, a certain future, a career, etc., will make thinks better to live life.
but also expand on that purpose eventually find thing similar to the things that make you happy, find things that make you happy that are on the complete opposite spectrum. Don't make the mistake I made. I had one sole purpose and lost it all in the span of 12 hours. Because I couldn't find other things to live for, and I couldn't get my purpose for living back, I have nowhere to go and nothing left to live for. End unsolicited advice.
Whatever you choose, I hope you find peace.
Sensei
剣道家
- Nov 4, 2019
- 6,336
I agree wholeheartedly with @LostFuture. You should wait. If you want to live then try to live. I think your fit of madness indicates that you need to let off some steam. Scream, break something, run, lift weights, what have you, and I think you'll feel a little bit better.
Edit: Sorry, there seems to be some kind of formatting error.
Edit: Sorry, there seems to be some kind of formatting error.
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