Hi SS Community. First I'd like to thank the administrators for accepting me here. I am new in this community and came across this forum after I read the NYT article as I am now seriously considering suicide and looking for ways that are quick and painless and with a high success rate as I can no longer take the agony and pain I'm experiencing. I am from the Philippines and turning 30 this April, and I've been experiencing depression, anxiety and paranoia since I started college. During those years until I graduated in 2014, I can still manage them. Although I get alienated from some friends every time my paranoia sets in. But the turning point that worsened my mental illness was in 2016 when I was fired from my job because of a mistake. I inadvertedly disclosed confidential info about their product in a facebook enthusiast group where I was reported by a coworker who happens to manage the group. I only became aware of it when I was reprimanded. As a result I only stayed in the company for 4 months and by Philippine labor law, you must render 6 months of probationary and pass the performance evaluation before you get regularized for the job. While I admit it was my responsibility, I couldnt fathom why my coworker did not inform me so I became aware of my mistake and instead chose to immediately report me. He knew that I was going to be terminated once he reported me. I never met that coworker because we were from different departments hence I never had quarrels with him before. From then on my life went downturn, the next few years were punishing for me especially the few months after my dismissal. I was really traumatized from that event. Part of the reason why this experience has been difficult for me to handle is maybe because I was never dismissed and never reprimanded for a mistake before, and I never committed an offense even when I was still in college. I am not a delinquent person. And I studied hard back in college and never failed a course and I was even under a scholarship program. Maybe these are the reasons why I couldn't deal with this failure. I could not move on easily because this was also one of my dream jobs when I was a kid and this industry is relatively small, and also because of the circumstances before I was dismissed. I was referred by a former manager to the company when I was applying there, and in Filipino culture that is a rare privilege and this is the way to easily get the job. I admit it was unfair because my family used connections to get me ahead. But what I didnt realize that time, the risks were great. Hence I humiliated him as well when I was dismissed. I have never shamed a person to this level before and I couldnt take the guilt. In addition, when I was still in that company one month before my dismissal, I was brought in by my boss to go to Toulouse, France to partake in a meeting with a supplier. Then immediately after my trip, I was served with a notice to explain about the offense I committed. You could just imagine how humiliating and horrifying this is for me. The company spent thousands of dollars for me only ended up wasted. My conscience could not take this. This added to my trauma and I couldnt take it off my mind. If I was not sent to Toulouse, maybe I could still manage my trauma today. I now accept what happened to me but the trauma I experienced is still here and beyond my tolerance level. I just can't live with this trauma and humiliation forever. I still couldnt forgive myself. I lost so much and my greatest regret is that I wished I never submitted my application to that company in the first place. I could have just settled for a simple job back then and be content with a lower salary as long as it will not affect your mental health, as most of us have realized this pandemic. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression and anxiety but I am suspecting that I'm already experiencing psychosis, PTSD and even paranoid schizophrenia. I stopped my treatments because in the end my parents couldnt afford it. Ever since my dismissal in 2016, I havent found a job. There were some offers but in the end I declined them because of the trauma I experienced and fear of committing mistakes again. A lot is going on in my mind when Im applying for a job and Im always indecisive. My most painful reckoning is that I am the eldest son in my family. In Filipino culture, the eldest son is supposed to be the breadwinner of the family. Ive already decided in the beginning I will not get married and start a family on my own, I vowed that I am going to take care of my parents until their demise. This is very painful for me because I could no longer work because of my trauma and personality problems. I am now just another mouth to feed in the family with my younger brother working in Singapore. To be honest, I am not in good terms with my brother too. Right now I am very worried for my future because once his newly bought house is complete, he will not let me in with my personal belongings. This is my biggest worry, my future. Unemployed for 6 years and already approaching 30 years old and with no savings, I do not see myself landing another job and starting over again. When my parents are gone, I will be left behind and my brother would certainly not allow me to his house. That is why I dont see a future for me anymore and I want to end my life now. Since my dismissal, my mental illness worsened and intrusive memories always popping up in my mind and there were instances that my overthinking and paranoia went overboard, and I even lost some friends because of my uncontrollable paranoia. This is the reason why I suspected I might already have psychosis or schozophrenia. Every time I have a deep grievance that I want to release, I end up quarelling with a person and afterwards I only end up regretting it and apologizing profusely. I could no longer control nor resist my ill feelings and what goes in my head. I know that those are still my fault and my actions are still my choices, but I really couldn't control what's going on in my head. I couldn't describe it here given my limited english vocabulary and since it's also abstract but my overthinking and paranoia is no longer voluntary for me. Every time I have an anxiety attack, I could not control what Im thinking.
Fast forward to today, things went bat shit crazy recently when I harassed an ex acquiantance who also happens to be a friend of my coworker who had me fired from my job. It all started in this, he blocked me on facebook for unknown reasons. He is not really a close friend and we only became friends for years because we share a common interest in the industry where I used to work (hence the facebook group I joined and where I divulged the confidential info). I know its weird and why am I so bothered with this small and petty, but maybe this is because of my fear of losing friends and my past trauma of being alienated by my friends because of my behaviour. And at the time, I was already having anxiety attacks and a strange sense of dread of what was going on in the community and I was thinking if I was being made fun of. I began to suspect that there was a deeper reason and suspected that he may have conspired with my coworker who had me fired from my job. I didnt harass him in his social media accounts but chose his curiouscat account because I thought he was no longer active, where I unloaded all of my grievances and ill feelings and made accusations and even threatening and insensitive words. I also cursed his friend who was my coworker who had me fired and unloading all of my grievances in his curiouscat account. I stalked him in his facebook and twitter like crazy because I was desperate to know the truth looking for clues and what were they really thinking of me. My paranoia went crazy and I didnt notice I was already harassing him. I ended up regretting everything I said in his curiouscat account. Last christmas I wanted to talk to him to apologize and to admit what I've done as I was becoming aware what I did to him could become scandalous and I was very worried he will eventually log in into his curiouscat account and read everything. But I was unsuccessful in asking the help of his friends to talk to him. Then the dreadful day came last month when he opened his curiouscat account. I was apologizing to him profusely that I regret everything I said to him and asked for his understanding. But he couldnt forgive me. He only threatened to file a restraining order against me in court. He even alerted and consulted his lawyer friends on what possible case he could file against me. His anger and hatred of me are valid, and I understand why he will be freaked out of me because of what I did and what I said to his curiouscat account. I am completely horrified that I am capable of doing this when I couldnt control my overthinking and my paranoia. I am terrified of what he could do to me. He works in Philippine media and has many connections with media and legal personalities. Same thing with my coworker who fired me, he has many connections in the industry where I used to work. What worries me the most is they could tell this story to all their friends in the community where we belong, they could do everything to get back at me out of hatred. What will people think of me once they knew what I did. They will surely shun me and become hostile to me. I cannot live in this kind of humiliation. I have been bothered by this for weeks now and couldnt sleep well for multiple nights. Not a single day I dont think of what Ive done to them. I am still overcome with grief, guilt and shame. I know this is ironic because I was the perpetrator, but I am also traumatized by what I've done to them and I only worsened what Ive been going through since I was fired from my job. I am horrified of what Ive done, that Im capable of doing this shit and stalk a person like crazy when I couldnt control my overthinking and paranoia. Im already causing harm not only to myself but also to others because of my hallucinations. I dont want to prolong my life anymore because I am now causing harm and distress on others. Every time I let myself live, I'm only slowly becoming a monster.
I will be writing my suicide note here soon. I wish to provide comfort to my parents before my exit as I dont want them to feel guilty. They did their best, and I couldnt blame them because we are not a rich family who could afford mental health services in this country. None of these is their doing and none of us wanted me to become what I am today. I ended up here because I could no longer find emotional and psycholigical support and the reality is, not everyone will understand you and are educated in mental health. I've approached some individuals before but some of them only gaslit and victim-blamed me.
I'd like to ask for your expert opinion on which method has a high success rate and which is the most painless, quickest and peaceful way of dying. I read that most of you recommend sodium nitrite (which you simply call "N"). In the Peaceful Pill Handbook, this is also recommended. I'd like to know if this is indeed painless and what will happend to you in the next few hours after taking it. I wish to know how to use this and what are the other recommended meds as part of a kit, and specifically what is the step by step method. Because I read that it comes as a kit and some members here have recommended it as written by the NYT. Your inputs would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much and hope I can have peaceful exit soon.
Fast forward to today, things went bat shit crazy recently when I harassed an ex acquiantance who also happens to be a friend of my coworker who had me fired from my job. It all started in this, he blocked me on facebook for unknown reasons. He is not really a close friend and we only became friends for years because we share a common interest in the industry where I used to work (hence the facebook group I joined and where I divulged the confidential info). I know its weird and why am I so bothered with this small and petty, but maybe this is because of my fear of losing friends and my past trauma of being alienated by my friends because of my behaviour. And at the time, I was already having anxiety attacks and a strange sense of dread of what was going on in the community and I was thinking if I was being made fun of. I began to suspect that there was a deeper reason and suspected that he may have conspired with my coworker who had me fired from my job. I didnt harass him in his social media accounts but chose his curiouscat account because I thought he was no longer active, where I unloaded all of my grievances and ill feelings and made accusations and even threatening and insensitive words. I also cursed his friend who was my coworker who had me fired and unloading all of my grievances in his curiouscat account. I stalked him in his facebook and twitter like crazy because I was desperate to know the truth looking for clues and what were they really thinking of me. My paranoia went crazy and I didnt notice I was already harassing him. I ended up regretting everything I said in his curiouscat account. Last christmas I wanted to talk to him to apologize and to admit what I've done as I was becoming aware what I did to him could become scandalous and I was very worried he will eventually log in into his curiouscat account and read everything. But I was unsuccessful in asking the help of his friends to talk to him. Then the dreadful day came last month when he opened his curiouscat account. I was apologizing to him profusely that I regret everything I said to him and asked for his understanding. But he couldnt forgive me. He only threatened to file a restraining order against me in court. He even alerted and consulted his lawyer friends on what possible case he could file against me. His anger and hatred of me are valid, and I understand why he will be freaked out of me because of what I did and what I said to his curiouscat account. I am completely horrified that I am capable of doing this when I couldnt control my overthinking and my paranoia. I am terrified of what he could do to me. He works in Philippine media and has many connections with media and legal personalities. Same thing with my coworker who fired me, he has many connections in the industry where I used to work. What worries me the most is they could tell this story to all their friends in the community where we belong, they could do everything to get back at me out of hatred. What will people think of me once they knew what I did. They will surely shun me and become hostile to me. I cannot live in this kind of humiliation. I have been bothered by this for weeks now and couldnt sleep well for multiple nights. Not a single day I dont think of what Ive done to them. I am still overcome with grief, guilt and shame. I know this is ironic because I was the perpetrator, but I am also traumatized by what I've done to them and I only worsened what Ive been going through since I was fired from my job. I am horrified of what Ive done, that Im capable of doing this shit and stalk a person like crazy when I couldnt control my overthinking and paranoia. Im already causing harm not only to myself but also to others because of my hallucinations. I dont want to prolong my life anymore because I am now causing harm and distress on others. Every time I let myself live, I'm only slowly becoming a monster.
I will be writing my suicide note here soon. I wish to provide comfort to my parents before my exit as I dont want them to feel guilty. They did their best, and I couldnt blame them because we are not a rich family who could afford mental health services in this country. None of these is their doing and none of us wanted me to become what I am today. I ended up here because I could no longer find emotional and psycholigical support and the reality is, not everyone will understand you and are educated in mental health. I've approached some individuals before but some of them only gaslit and victim-blamed me.
I'd like to ask for your expert opinion on which method has a high success rate and which is the most painless, quickest and peaceful way of dying. I read that most of you recommend sodium nitrite (which you simply call "N"). In the Peaceful Pill Handbook, this is also recommended. I'd like to know if this is indeed painless and what will happend to you in the next few hours after taking it. I wish to know how to use this and what are the other recommended meds as part of a kit, and specifically what is the step by step method. Because I read that it comes as a kit and some members here have recommended it as written by the NYT. Your inputs would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much and hope I can have peaceful exit soon.
