My husband and I just had a huge fight — our biggest in almost a year. There was a lot of swearing and it was even physical at times. He threw his wedding ring down at me from the top of the stairs. He threw his phone on the floor and smashed it. It might actually be our worst fight ever, I'm not sure.
It's mostly my fault. I could've avoided it. Honestly, though, I do think his reaction was out of line. I understand he was upset, but we couldn't tackle the issue rationally. It's as issue on which we just do not see eye-to-eye. It's the defining struggle of our relationship, I feel, and we have yet to come to a resolution on which both of us feels satisfied. Because of this, I prefer not to have the issue come to the forefront. Not only did I fail at this, but my desire to suppress the issue also worked against me.
I was ready to leave. As soon as he blew up, I felt I was ready. He's one of the only reasons I'm still here. It's not hyperbole at all to say that if it wasn't for him, I would have died more than a year ago. If he is done with me, if he doesn't want me, then there's nothing. I would never put that on him, but it's true. If the person I love most in this world is so frustrated with me and who I am, then what hope do I have? If the person who loves me enough to say "I do" can't bear another second with me, how could I hope to find love anywhere else?
I have fucked up multiple times in my marriage, but so has he. We each have our struggles. Sometimes I have a really difficult time dealing with his struggles, but I've made it through. I hope we can make it through my struggles. Maybe mine are worse? I don't know. Maybe I really am just an awful person and don't deserve him? Well, that's probably true.
I have been lonely ever since losing my best friend 13 years ago. I spent a long time searching for someone who could give me that same feeling and give me a reason to live. I found it in my husband. But perhaps that was too much to throw on him. Perhaps I'm hopeless and not able to make a relationship work.
I was about to leave. I was going to do it. Tonight was going to be my last night. As soon as he erupted at me, I made the decision. I couldn't deal with providing him a lifetime of pain, and it seems like that's all I can offer. He'll never feel completely loved by me. That's not the truth, but it's what he feels, and that's what's important. I'd be better off dead. He'd be better off with me dead.
But he fought me. He fought me to keep me from leaving. He fought so hard that I have marks on my arms from where he held me. I'm still here. We haven't talked though. I don't know what that means. I'm lost. Maybe I've died and gone to Hell. I just know that I don't like this. Am I too demanding? Am I insisting on either complete happiness or else death? I don't think so, but then again, I don't know if I'm thinking properly these days.
It's mostly my fault. I could've avoided it. Honestly, though, I do think his reaction was out of line. I understand he was upset, but we couldn't tackle the issue rationally. It's as issue on which we just do not see eye-to-eye. It's the defining struggle of our relationship, I feel, and we have yet to come to a resolution on which both of us feels satisfied. Because of this, I prefer not to have the issue come to the forefront. Not only did I fail at this, but my desire to suppress the issue also worked against me.
I was ready to leave. As soon as he blew up, I felt I was ready. He's one of the only reasons I'm still here. It's not hyperbole at all to say that if it wasn't for him, I would have died more than a year ago. If he is done with me, if he doesn't want me, then there's nothing. I would never put that on him, but it's true. If the person I love most in this world is so frustrated with me and who I am, then what hope do I have? If the person who loves me enough to say "I do" can't bear another second with me, how could I hope to find love anywhere else?
I have fucked up multiple times in my marriage, but so has he. We each have our struggles. Sometimes I have a really difficult time dealing with his struggles, but I've made it through. I hope we can make it through my struggles. Maybe mine are worse? I don't know. Maybe I really am just an awful person and don't deserve him? Well, that's probably true.
I have been lonely ever since losing my best friend 13 years ago. I spent a long time searching for someone who could give me that same feeling and give me a reason to live. I found it in my husband. But perhaps that was too much to throw on him. Perhaps I'm hopeless and not able to make a relationship work.
I was about to leave. I was going to do it. Tonight was going to be my last night. As soon as he erupted at me, I made the decision. I couldn't deal with providing him a lifetime of pain, and it seems like that's all I can offer. He'll never feel completely loved by me. That's not the truth, but it's what he feels, and that's what's important. I'd be better off dead. He'd be better off with me dead.
But he fought me. He fought me to keep me from leaving. He fought so hard that I have marks on my arms from where he held me. I'm still here. We haven't talked though. I don't know what that means. I'm lost. Maybe I've died and gone to Hell. I just know that I don't like this. Am I too demanding? Am I insisting on either complete happiness or else death? I don't think so, but then again, I don't know if I'm thinking properly these days.
