Discussion A few questions for DID sufferers- if you feel up to sharing.

[Forever Sleep]

I've noticed there are a few members here with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID.) I thought it would be too intrusive to just start asking someone questions but I thought, maybe if I started a thread, people could comment if they felt comfortable doing so.

To be honest- I'm really just so curious about it- but I don't want anyone to feel like some sort of guinea pig or freak- I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist or anything- it's just my own curiosity really- with the human brain.

That said, can I ask the following:

Is it something you are born with- or, does it develop in response to trauma?

Is it something you have control over? Can you choose which alter is in the forefront? Are you afraid of some alters coming to the forefront?

I suppose- to a lesser degree- we all have alters. Many people will act differently in different situations. Still- I believe non-DID people tend to at least feel congruity within themselves to a certain extent- even when they are wearing a mask- type thing. Is this different with DID? Do you actually feel like a different person?

Is there a core person and then the alters? I suppose in that case- Dissociative would make sense but some people here don't seem to dissociate from their alters. In some ways, I can't imagine how you could- you are still living through them- making decisions and experiencing the world. Unless there are massive gaps in consciousness and memory? Does it feel like dissociation?

Sorry for all the questions. I guess I'm just so curious about it. It must be a very unique way to experience the world. Is it primarily a bad exerience though? (I'm guessing so- if you are here- sorry.) Do you remember a time when you didn't have it?

Thanks for reading. Obviously- only reply if you feel comfortable doing so.

 

[boxtobs]

Alright, so. I know this is a thread for people with DID. I should be very clear that I do not have it and you can disregard what I've got to say entirely if you feel I am encroaching. I am diagnosed with something similar however, and was assessed for DID for half a year while in hospital. It is something I have info on and it is a disorder I share many symptoms with.
Some of the things the specialist who oversaw my assessments and treatment said are as follows:
DID is directly trauma related in the same way PTSD is, and it is also specific to the ages in which one experiences said trauma. The thought behind this occurrence is that if a very young child experiences severe and prolonged abuse and cannot possibly hope to handle or process it, their brain rectifies this two ways.
1. Memory blocks. In many cases, system's parts do not share memories. As an adult this can lead to experiences like coming to in an entirely different city when the last thing you remember was going to work, coming to to self harm you didn't do, finding you've spent all of your money on gummies you don't even like and have literally no recollection of doing, ect. and when abuse is still ongoing it means for the child that they do not hold all of the memories they cannot live with or process.
2. It can ensure the child's safety by making them defenses and caretakers when there are none outside of the self.

As for "Does it feel like dissociation?", there's a distinction made for kinds of dissociation I think may be useful here. So, depersonalization and derealization are feeling disconnected from the body/self/feelings and disconnected from reality/others/the physical world.
With DID you likely will experience this, but you will also experience the dissociation of mental faculties. This means things like sometimes finding you are unable to write, tie your shoes, unable to do the basics, ect. and is a part of the memory blocks previously mentioned as well as regressing in age.

Hope this clears up some of the basics.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Alright, so. I know this is a thread for people with DID. I should be very clear that I do not have it and you can disregard what I've got to say entirely if you feel I am encroaching. I am diagnosed with something similar however, and was assessed for DID for half a year while in hospital. It is something I have info on and it is a disorder I share many symptoms with.
Some of the things the specialist who oversaw my assessments and treatment said are as follows:
DID is directly trauma related in the same way PTSD is, and it is also specific to the ages in which one experiences said trauma. The thought behind this occurrence is that if a very young child experiences severe and prolonged abuse and cannot possibly hope to handle or process it, their brain rectifies this two ways.
1. Memory blocks. In many cases, system's parts do not share memories. As an adult this can lead to experiences like coming to in an entirely different city when the last thing you remember was going to work, coming to to self harm you didn't do, finding you've spent all of your money on gummies you don't even like and have literally no recollection of doing, ect. and when abuse is still ongoing it means for the child that they do not hold all of the memories they cannot live with or process.
2. It can ensure the child's safety by making them defenses and caretakers when there are none outside of the self.

As for "Does it feel like dissociation?", there's a distinction made for kinds of dissociation I think may be useful here. So, depersonalization and derealization are feeling disconnected from the body/self/feelings and disconnected from reality/others/the physical world.
With DID you likely will experience this, but you will also experience the dissociation of mental faculties. This means things like sometimes finding you are unable to write, tie your shoes, unable to do the basics, ect. and is a part of the memory blocks previously mentioned as well as regressing in age.

Hope this clears up some of the basics.

Thanks so much for responding. It's very fascinating for an outsider but I imagine it can be very distressing for the person experiencing it.

I'm sorry you spent so long in the hospital. Was it an ok experience- did it help you to have the diagnosis in the end?

A lot of what you described makes sense. It's so awful that people are placed in such traumatic situations that the brain and personality fractures in order to deal with it. Although- that makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

[boxtobs]

Was it an ok experience- did it help you to have the diagnosis in the end?

It was one of my better experiences in mental hospitals and wards. Most often when I describe my large memory gaps and dissociative symptoms, doctors do not know how to treat me and opt for the common and easy fixes. It says depression and PTSD on my sheet, they know how to treat that, and so they will. Even if it does not impact my daily life anymore. Seeing a dissociative specialist was far more helpful in those months than my prior almost 14 years of therapy combined.

That being said, my diagnosis feels more damning (or at best, more complicated) than anything good, though compared to my other diagnoses it is quite new. I've still got time to adjust and negotiate (with any luck).
It's just. There's a special kind of grief in realizing those memory gaps will always be there, that you will likely not be fully in control of what happens to your body in any permanent guaranteeable way, and that there's nothing you could've done to stop this from happening in the first place.
There's a lot of feeling violated and ashamed and lacking agency too, which is horrifically ironic and unfair considering a lot of people with DID and OSDD experienced repeated childhood sexual assault. Myself included, not that I can remember it.
But yeah, the brain will always do what it can to survive, even if it becomes painful later for some people (not all ofc, no monoliths). It's interesting like that.
Also if you would like any resources on the different kinds of dissociative disorders, there's quite a few, just say the word. They've got an interesting history too, if you're interested.
And thank you for listening and being open.

 

[western_heart]

I am diagnosed with DID - am still working on figuring things out though. I experience amnesia and a lot of what I learn about my past is from my own writing. Idk when dissociative disorders were first discussed with me by a medical professional, but I think it was years before I was actually diagnosed, because I spent so long denying trauma. I did not want it all to be true. I still fight to accept it sometimes.

Is it something you are born with- or, does it develop in response to trauma?

Developed in response to trauma. Though I think in my case, I wonder if I was predisposed to be traumatized. It feels like some of my alters are autistic and easily hurt. I was not really aware that I was traumatized as a child until my 30s.

Is it something you have control over? Can you choose which alter is in the forefront? Are you afraid of some alters coming to the forefront?

I do not have very much control. I don't consciously decide who I am, but some alters will come to the front in certain situations. I have been trying to identify them & what triggers them. I can control the situations I put myself in, which can indirectly result in a certain alter coming to the front. like when I go to therapy an alter who can talk about things openly comes out (she has no name right now, but I call her "introspective").

I will do drugs to make things different, but the effects are unpredictable. Weed helps with internal communication, ketamine can help me switch to someone who hopefully is better equipped to handle something in my life but it's not consistent.

I get afraid of a few alters, one of them wants me to impulsively ctb, one of them is overly sexual, one is obsessive/will spend too much money/etc. The alters with harmful behavior will often come out if I do certain stimulants, so I avoid Adderall.

I suppose- to a lesser degree- we all have alters. Many people will act differently in different situations. Still- I believe non-DID people tend to at least feel congruity within themselves to a certain extent- even when they are wearing a mask- type thing. Is this different with DID? Do you actually feel like a different person?

Sometimes I feel like a different person, sometimes I don't. When those close to me ask who I am, the answer is often "I don't know". A lot of the time I identify as the same person because that's how almost all the world sees me, but with something very different about me. We have been making an effort to consistently appear as the same person externally, long before we knew dissociation was a thing, which makes understanding my system difficult. Most of us are masking, we mostly don't feel like <real name> but try to be her. We want to reduce this so that we are more aware of the different parts.

A common experience for me is not being able to identify with things I've done recently, I will have no memory of parts of my day/week. And then I'll see something I took a picture of or wrote somewhere and figure it out. I know that something was done by "me" if it came from my device or is in my handwriting, but it won't feel like I was the one who did the thing.

Is there a core person and then the alters? I suppose in that case- Dissociative would make sense but some people here don't seem to dissociate from their alters. In some ways, I can't imagine how you could- you are still living through them- making decisions and experiencing the world. Unless there are massive gaps in consciousness and memory? Does it feel like dissociation?

I don't know who the "core" person would be, everyone is an alter. The one I might consider "core" as in being around the longest is a traumatized child hiding in a closet, who can't communicate with anyone outside the body, the rest of us are busy trying to live our life. But even then I am unsure, there might be someone "younger" (older).

Is it primarily a bad exerience though? (I'm guessing so- if you are here- sorry.) Do you remember a time when you didn't have it?

I have memory of first becoming aware of the dissociation, when I was about 8-12. I told myself "wouldn't it be nice if I could be a person who didn't have <traumatic experience>? Maybe a different part of my brain could have that memory. No, that's not possible." But that's what my brain did. Everyone except the alter that formed didn't have to think about the traumatic experience or feel the pain for years.

I don't think that specific traumatic experience is why I am like this. It's just the earliest one that I have memory of dissociating from at the moment. I am fairly sure there are earlier experiences, but I don't want to go digging.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I am diagnosed with DID - am still working on figuring things out though. I experience amnesia and a lot of what I learn about my past is from my own writing. Idk when dissociative disorders were first discussed with me by a medical professional, but I think it was years before I was actually diagnosed, because I spent so long denying trauma. I did not want it all to be true. I still fight to accept it sometimes.



Developed in response to trauma. Though I think in my case, I wonder if I was predisposed to be traumatized. It feels like some of my alters are autistic and easily hurt. I was not really aware that I was traumatized as a child until my 30s.


I do not have very much control. I don't consciously decide who I am, but some alters will come to the front in certain situations. I have been trying to identify them & what triggers them. I can control the situations I put myself in, which can indirectly result in a certain alter coming to the front. like when I go to therapy an alter who can talk about things openly comes out (she has no name right now, but I call her "introspective").

I will do drugs to make things different, but the effects are unpredictable. Weed helps with internal communication, ketamine can help me switch to someone who hopefully is better equipped to handle something in my life but it's not consistent.

I get afraid of a few alters, one of them wants me to impulsively ctb, one of them is overly sexual, one is obsessive/will spend too much money/etc. The alters with harmful behavior will often come out if I do certain stimulants, so I avoid Adderall.


Sometimes I feel like a different person, sometimes I don't. When those close to me ask who I am, the answer is often "I don't know". A lot of the time I identify as the same person because that's how almost all the world sees me, but with something very different about me. We have been making an effort to consistently appear as the same person externally, long before we knew dissociation was a thing, which makes understanding my system difficult. Most of us are masking, we mostly don't feel like <real name> but try to be her. We want to reduce this so that we are more aware of the different parts.

A common experience for me is not being able to identify with things I've done recently, I will have no memory of parts of my day/week. And then I'll see something I took a picture of or wrote somewhere and figure it out. I know that something was done by "me" if it came from my device or is in my handwriting, but it won't feel like I was the one who did the thing.


I don't know who the "core" person would be, everyone is an alter. The one I might consider "core" as in being around the longest is a traumatized child hiding in a closet, who can't communicate with anyone outside the body, the rest of us are busy trying to live our life. But even then I am unsure, there might be someone "younger" (older).


I have memory of first becoming aware of the dissociation, when I was about 8-12. I told myself "wouldn't it be nice if I could be a person who didn't have <traumatic experience>? Maybe a different part of my brain could have that memory. No, that's not possible." But that's what my brain did. Everyone except the alter that formed didn't have to think about the traumatic experience or feel the pain for years.

I don't think that specific traumatic experience is why I am like this. It's just the earliest one that I have memory of dissociating from at the moment. I am fairly sure there are earlier experiences, but I don't want to go digging.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It sounds utterly exhausting to have to keep trying to piece together what 'you' have recently done. It must require SO much effort just to live. I'm so sorry. I never really understood the dissociative part. I know it mentions memory blocks. I guess I just assumed that would be to mask the trauma- understandable. But to live day to day with it- yeah- it must be incredibly disorientating.

Have you seen the film Memento (2000)? The main character doesn't have DID but he can only hold memories for a short space of time. It's a gripping film- it's really cleverly shot. It's a mystery thriller- a bit grizzly- he's trying to track down his wifes killer. It reminded me of what you said about looking at something you had done earlier in the week- not actually having the memory of it but having to piece it all together.

It was fascinating to read your story. Thank you so much for sharing. I know I could go and read a whole load of definitions but I suppose I wondered what the personal experience was like. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[cristaleyez]

Is it something you are born with- or, does it develop in response to trauma?

It develops in response to trauma. But there is a theory out there, the theory of Structural Dissociation, that we are all born with separate self states and they integrate from ages 6-9. Trauma can cause that those states to remain separate. Though it's just a theory as far as I'm aware and not concrete fact.

Is it something you have control over? Can you choose which alter is in the forefront? Are you afraid of some alters coming to the forefront?

No. No. Yes.

I suppose- to a lesser degree- we all have alters. Many people will act differently in different situations. Still- I believe non-DID people tend to at least feel congruity within themselves to a certain extent- even when they are wearing a mask- type thing. Is this different with DID? Do you actually feel like a different person?

Yes, we feel like different people.

Is there a core person and then the alters? I suppose in that case- Dissociative would make sense but some people here don't seem to dissociate from their alters. In some ways, I can't imagine how you could- you are still living through them- making decisions and experiencing the world. Unless there are massive gaps in consciousness and memory? Does it feel like dissociation?

If there is a core person, I don't know who it is. We all feel pretty equal. We experience a lot of memory loss.

Sorry for all the questions. I guess I'm just so curious about it. It must be a very unique way to experience the world. Is it primarily a bad exerience though? (I'm guessing so- if you are here- sorry.) Do you remember a time when you didn't have it?

I have to say it is a solidly neutral experience on whether it is good or bad. There is plenty of good but plenty of bad as well. Memory loss and not having a coherent identity is exhausting. But, there are alters better suited to handle situations. Sometimes it's nice to throw the responsibility onto someone else when you can't take it anymore, lol. It's all light hearted though. We have decent communication and we are pretty friendly to each other.
As I said we have a lot of memory loss, so, I'm not sure. Maybe, maybe not.

As with most disorders there are a lot of ways this disorder can manifest. My answers may not be the same as others. It's important to learn that quickly as people like to jump the gun and say someone's fake because one person with the disorder said this but the other said something different.
The last thing I'd want to be called with this disorder is fake. It's a real struggle for me. Exhaustion, mental and physical, memory loss, feeling like you're forgetting people you love or missing out on experiences with them. It's disheartening. But it can have it's good moments. We have alters specifically designed to protect us from experiencing our trauma all over again. So, I guess in that respect I am thankful for their existence.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It develops in response to trauma. But there is a theory out there, the theory of Structural Dissociation, that we are all born with separate self states and they integrate from ages 6-9. Trauma can cause that those states to remain separate. Though it's just a theory as far as I'm aware and not concrete fact.


No. No. Yes.


Yes, we feel like different people.


If there is a core person, I don't know who it is. We all feel pretty equal. We experience a lot of memory loss.


I have to say it is a solidly neutral experience on whether it is good or bad. There is plenty of good but plenty of bad as well. Memory loss and not having a coherent identity is exhausting. But, there are alters better suited to handle situations. Sometimes it's nice to throw the responsibility onto someone else when you can't take it anymore, lol. It's all light hearted though. We have decent communication and we are pretty friendly to each other.
As I said we have a lot of memory loss, so, I'm not sure. Maybe, maybe not.

As with most disorders there are a lot of ways this disorder can manifest. My answers may not be the same as others. It's important to learn that quickly as people like to jump the gun and say someone's fake because one person with the disorder said this but the other said something different.
The last thing I'd want to be called with this disorder is fake. It's a real struggle for me. Exhaustion, mental and physical, memory loss, feeling like you're forgetting people you love or missing out on experiences with them. It's disheartening. But it can have it's good moments. We have alters specifically designed to protect us from experiencing our trauma all over again. So, I guess in that respect I am thankful for their existence.

Thank you for your response. It was very insightful. That's something I hadn't really thought about- your interactions with others. That has to be pretty complicated for both of you. I can see how it would have positive and negative aspects to it overall though. Thanks so much for sharing.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

• DID is a trauma disorder. The most accepted theory for it forming is called The Theory Of Structural Dissociation.

It states that before the ages of 7-9, children do not have a "full personality." Instead, they have "ego states" that are essentially "tasked" with important parts of life. From what I understand, these ego states are not exactly alters, as they aren't sentient in the exact same way, it's more of survival instinct.

If a child goes through repeated trauma and has the tendency to dissociate (other disorders can raise the likelihood of developing DID. like Autism, ADHD, and more), and their brain thinks it cannot escape or survive, dissociation and amnesia walls can be built up, causing the ego states to develop separately instead of forming together at 7-9 like most children.


• Most systems cannot control what alters front, but there are ways to do so for some. We have an alter called a "gatekeeper" that can control who fronts if needed. We have two gatekeepers, and they can both do that (to different extents, though). Not every system has a gatekeeper, but many C-DID and HC-DID systems do.

You can also "trigger out" alters by doing different things. This can range from negative triggers (protectors may he triggered out by physical danger) to positive triggers (many introjects—alters who are based off of a fictional or factional "source"—are triggered out by things related to said "source").

Yes, some people have alters that are "not allowed" to front. If they have a gatekeeper, that is usually who will keep the alter away, but I would like to add not to villianize any alters, all alters deserve love.


• Everyone does not have alters. That is a phrase that misunderstands how alters work. Many people consider it offensive, but I understand you don't mean that. Yes, alters in DID systems "feel like different people" because in many ways they are.

• Generally, "core theory" has been disproven. There is no "real" core—however... many DID systems have a "core" of sorts, an alter that identities with the body the most. Two of our hosts are cores, one the "main" core, and one a "partial core" (feel free to ask more).

DID requires amnesia and "memory blocks" to be diagnosable, and often those symptoms are very extreme. We are very dissociated from eachother for the most part, even in alters that do not have severe amnesia, it is just how we are.


• It is a complex experience. You'd have to ask each alter to see how they see systemhood—good or bad—themselves.


Feel free to ask more, in this thread, private messages, profile comments, or anywhere else. We are mostly quite open. As we say in our bio, questions help distract us from the chaos of life. We consider ourselves to be educators.

 

[Forever Sleep]

• DID is a trauma disorder. The most accepted theory for it forming is called The Theory Of Structural Dissociation.

It states that before the ages of 7-9, children do not have a "full personality." Instead, they have "ego states" that are essentially "tasked" with important parts of life. From what I understand, these ego states are not exactly alters, as they aren't sentient in the exact same way, it's more of survival instinct.

If a child goes through repeated trauma and has the tendency to dissociate (other disorders can raise the likelihood of developing DID. like Autism, ADHD, and more), and their brain thinks it cannot escape or survive, dissociation and amnesia walls can be built up, causing the ego states to develop separately instead of forming together at 7-9 like most children.


• Most systems cannot control what alters front, but there are ways to do so for some. We have an alter called a "gatekeeper" that can control who fronts if needed. We have two gatekeepers, and they can both do that (to different extents, though). Not every system has a gatekeeper, but many C-DID and HC-DID systems do.

You can also "trigger out" alters by doing different things. This can range from negative triggers (protectors may he triggered out by physical danger) to positive triggers (many introjects—alters who are based off of a fictional or factional "source"—are triggered out by things related to said "source").

Yes, some people have alters that are "not allowed" to front. If they have a gatekeeper, that is usually who will keep the alter away, but I would like to add not to villianize any alters, all alters deserve love.


• Everyone does not have alters. That is a phrase that misunderstands how alters work. Many people consider it offensive, but I understand you don't mean that. Yes, alters in DID systems "feel like different people" because in many ways they are.

• Generally, "core theory" has been disproven. There is no "real" core—however... many DID systems have a "core" of sorts, an alter that identities with the body the most. Two of our hosts are cores, one the "main" core, and one a "partial core" (feel free to ask more).

DID requires amnesia and "memory blocks" to be diagnosable, and often those symptoms are very extreme. We are very dissociated from eachother for the most part, even in alters that do not have severe amnesia, it is just how we are.


• It is a complex experience. You'd have to ask each alter to see how they see systemhood—good or bad—themselves.


Feel free to ask more, in this thread, private messages, profile comments, or anywhere else. We are mostly quite open. As we say in our bio, questions help distract us from the chaos of life. We consider ourselves to be educators.

That was so interesting- thank you.

 

[dead-yaga]

weve had it almost our whole life, it developed sometime around late-ish elementary school (dont quote me on that) and idk why, weve just become fairly functional in that aspect of our mental health, so we have fairly different situation than most DID folks you hear about. it took us a while even to accept that yes being ok with not being singular doesnt make us like ineligible for DID or something lool