STTP
Straight To The Point
- Oct 10, 2023
- 40
I've had this idea in my head for years, albeit as a joke more than anything. It's probably my favorite suicide method I've thought up. Most of these steps will be extreme set-up and absurd hyperbole, but hear me out:
Step 1: Acquire the urine of as many police officers as possible.
I don't care how you do it. Make connections, call for drug screenings and work at the clinic, visit the station and come up with a good lie or just steal samples, etc. This is probably one of the hardest parts, and it might not even be worth doing (they might not even test for it)
Step 2: Acquire 2 really, really, really good friends.
This is probably just as hard for some of us, but they'll be instrumental to your plans.
Step 3: Have your 2 good friends beat the shit out of you.
Just completely stomp you out, leave as many bruises as possible. This can be done over a day or two. If your friends are unavailable at the right time, you can alternatively go to your local Waffle House and complain about your order, which should result in a minimum of 3 stimulant-fueled cooks beating you senseless, and this method is organic (though it may cost a Grand Slam)
Step 4: Acquire materials: Fast motorbike, cheese wire, medieval battle axe.
Do you see where I'm going with this? I hope so. You'll want a bike with a low wind guard, and probably some magical cheese wire too. I'm sure there's solid heavy-gauge options out there, but I haven't fully researched this, just fantasized about it endlessly while in class or talking to people. The battle axe needs to be sharp, so modern might be the way to go. Definitely something heavy, though. The widest point of the blade must be wider than the width of your neck.
Step 5: Apply blood to the battle axe.
Self-explanatory. Take some of your own blood, apply it to the end of the battle axe.
Step 6. Begin the real plan.
Get on your bike, start speeding. Anywhere and everywhere, you could even have your friend call the cops and report you while they set the rest of it up. This should get the cops' attentions. Figure out from your rearview mirror and prior knowledge which cops it's likely to be, and take their urine samples out of your bag, pouring it on yourself. This is going to be disgusting, yes, but it's important to mess with the forensic team. Throw your bag with excess unused samples off to the side and have your friend collect it to hide the evidence.
Take a corner to some straight, but rarely used, road. Somewhere kinda residential, kinda rural - likely to have witnesses upon a ruckus being made. Have your friends set up the cheese wire, tied between two posts, at exactly your neck height (you might need to practice this). Hold the battle axe in your hand, and race into the cheese wire as fast as possible. This should cut your head smooth off.
Step 7. Friend's responsibilities
Your friends must now ensure they untie and hide the cheese wire as fast as possible, then dash to just a little ways away. They should pretend to be residents of the neighborhood/area, and walk out recording the events that unfold after.
Aftermath.
Your body is lying on the ground, away from the bike, headless, beaten and bruised, covered in the urine of the two cops who are with you. There is an axe covered in your blood. One of your friends, or both, will have video evidence of the police being at the scene where the body was found - maybe the two of them could pretend not to know you, and claim they are eyewitnesses to the crime.
The media immediately, given the autopsy, analysis, eyewitness reports, and obvious conclusion believes that these 2 cops managed to get you to fall off your bike, then beat you, then decapitated you with a battle axe, then peed on your corpse. Police attempts to cover their story by saying your head simply flew off your body and you simply happened to have urine samples and a battle axe and a group of people assisting you to hide the evidence will be effectively futile.
...
And, there you go! You have now committed the most over-the-top, traumatizing, convoluted and newsworthy suicide since... well, maybe since ever, as well as getting two poor police officers in one of the most confusing and strange events of their life. Thoughts, comments, questions or concerns, anyone, or are we down to start making headlines?
Step 1: Acquire the urine of as many police officers as possible.
I don't care how you do it. Make connections, call for drug screenings and work at the clinic, visit the station and come up with a good lie or just steal samples, etc. This is probably one of the hardest parts, and it might not even be worth doing (they might not even test for it)
Step 2: Acquire 2 really, really, really good friends.
This is probably just as hard for some of us, but they'll be instrumental to your plans.
Step 3: Have your 2 good friends beat the shit out of you.
Just completely stomp you out, leave as many bruises as possible. This can be done over a day or two. If your friends are unavailable at the right time, you can alternatively go to your local Waffle House and complain about your order, which should result in a minimum of 3 stimulant-fueled cooks beating you senseless, and this method is organic (though it may cost a Grand Slam)
Step 4: Acquire materials: Fast motorbike, cheese wire, medieval battle axe.
Do you see where I'm going with this? I hope so. You'll want a bike with a low wind guard, and probably some magical cheese wire too. I'm sure there's solid heavy-gauge options out there, but I haven't fully researched this, just fantasized about it endlessly while in class or talking to people. The battle axe needs to be sharp, so modern might be the way to go. Definitely something heavy, though. The widest point of the blade must be wider than the width of your neck.
Step 5: Apply blood to the battle axe.
Self-explanatory. Take some of your own blood, apply it to the end of the battle axe.
Step 6. Begin the real plan.
Get on your bike, start speeding. Anywhere and everywhere, you could even have your friend call the cops and report you while they set the rest of it up. This should get the cops' attentions. Figure out from your rearview mirror and prior knowledge which cops it's likely to be, and take their urine samples out of your bag, pouring it on yourself. This is going to be disgusting, yes, but it's important to mess with the forensic team. Throw your bag with excess unused samples off to the side and have your friend collect it to hide the evidence.
Take a corner to some straight, but rarely used, road. Somewhere kinda residential, kinda rural - likely to have witnesses upon a ruckus being made. Have your friends set up the cheese wire, tied between two posts, at exactly your neck height (you might need to practice this). Hold the battle axe in your hand, and race into the cheese wire as fast as possible. This should cut your head smooth off.
Step 7. Friend's responsibilities
Your friends must now ensure they untie and hide the cheese wire as fast as possible, then dash to just a little ways away. They should pretend to be residents of the neighborhood/area, and walk out recording the events that unfold after.
Aftermath.
Your body is lying on the ground, away from the bike, headless, beaten and bruised, covered in the urine of the two cops who are with you. There is an axe covered in your blood. One of your friends, or both, will have video evidence of the police being at the scene where the body was found - maybe the two of them could pretend not to know you, and claim they are eyewitnesses to the crime.
The media immediately, given the autopsy, analysis, eyewitness reports, and obvious conclusion believes that these 2 cops managed to get you to fall off your bike, then beat you, then decapitated you with a battle axe, then peed on your corpse. Police attempts to cover their story by saying your head simply flew off your body and you simply happened to have urine samples and a battle axe and a group of people assisting you to hide the evidence will be effectively futile.
...
And, there you go! You have now committed the most over-the-top, traumatizing, convoluted and newsworthy suicide since... well, maybe since ever, as well as getting two poor police officers in one of the most confusing and strange events of their life. Thoughts, comments, questions or concerns, anyone, or are we down to start making headlines?
