gotomrg
Member
- Mar 10, 2023
- 58
The title is about me. I am a disgusting waste of resources. Resources of all kinds. Money, energy, emotions, hopes, efforts, love. My own and other people's. My mother's, mostly. I was a bold investment, a big decision. An unexpected but desired child, if my memory of what my father and mother used to say is to be believed. My father left the family when I was 12. I think it was pretty well-timed. I was already letting down every possible expectation even then. My mother is stuck with me. Just as I am stuck with the consequences of my colourful circle of life. Filled with unreasonable attempts to do better, to be better. To make any difference at all. With the daily battle with myself. With borrowing energy from myself, going into deficit and never repaying the debt. Carrying myself like a puppet from location to location, doing the bare minimum, disappointing my mother from the first second of a phone call, from the first second she sees me in person. I'm wasting the life I've been given. I am reinforcing my position as the most failed investment ever.
They pay an insane amount of money a year for my tuition. Before that, they paid the same amount of money for my tutors. A huge amount of money has been spent on my body. However, as soon as I eat the way I want to, I become more and more ugly. I invest in my relationships and by doing so I only open up new, unexplored problems of my girlfriend's that also need to be invested in. My life started with an investment and continues with new ones. I'm all in debt. Nothing is paying off and never has. And I've been many different things - in different environments, different bodies, had different approaches to life. Different methods and approaches - different ways of how things either go nowhere good or turn out to be something worse than they were. I feel like I've been living for a very long time. Probably because I thought I would be gone by now. I didn't think I'd live to see the age of 15.
I had my first suicidal thoughts in primary school. When I was about 9, I guess. My mother scolded me. Said how dare I look something like that up on the internet. Well, that's how I remember it. A reconstructed memory from such an early age is unlikely to be a true reflection of what really happened, but I didn't get anything proper for sure. I still live like that to this day. My girlfriend doesn't like anything. Not my thoughts, not myself. It's all taboo. Nothing can be talked about. So I don't.
They pay an insane amount of money a year for my tuition. Before that, they paid the same amount of money for my tutors. A huge amount of money has been spent on my body. However, as soon as I eat the way I want to, I become more and more ugly. I invest in my relationships and by doing so I only open up new, unexplored problems of my girlfriend's that also need to be invested in. My life started with an investment and continues with new ones. I'm all in debt. Nothing is paying off and never has. And I've been many different things - in different environments, different bodies, had different approaches to life. Different methods and approaches - different ways of how things either go nowhere good or turn out to be something worse than they were. I feel like I've been living for a very long time. Probably because I thought I would be gone by now. I didn't think I'd live to see the age of 15.
I had my first suicidal thoughts in primary school. When I was about 9, I guess. My mother scolded me. Said how dare I look something like that up on the internet. Well, that's how I remember it. A reconstructed memory from such an early age is unlikely to be a true reflection of what really happened, but I didn't get anything proper for sure. I still live like that to this day. My girlfriend doesn't like anything. Not my thoughts, not myself. It's all taboo. Nothing can be talked about. So I don't.
