Venting A Disgusting Human Being

[ihavetoleave]

(Apologies in advance for the long post) I'll be 40 in a few months into this New Year. This year was awful for me like so many, however it was awful for me mainly due to my own choices and past behavior which I now see clearly. I have spent my life being an addict, a loser, a liar and overall a bad person. I did not see it before as I have spent the majority of my life being high, taking meds, and in general self-soothing so I did not deal with or even see reality the way everyone else does. It all caught up with me this year. I quit my job before the pandemic hit and was unable to be rehired. I had/have no money to buy more substances or afford any kind of health care to keep taking meds, I can't buy anything and my (now ex) partner was very angry with me and argued with my family to take me away. After weeks of back and forth I was brought home and now I am a burden here to my poor parents. I lost everything, my partner, my cat, my "career", any income and now I am in severe debt and it is all my fault.

Each day is a nightmare of realizing (now that I am sober) how badly I have lived my life. Literally each life step I have made has been badly done, I've made every decision in haste, panic, selfishly, and in a haze of addiction and self soothing. There is no fixing what I have done. I've always done badly with any kind of friendship or relationship, I've been a bad employee, I have always tried to hide how pathetic I really am. I tried to find another job for months when I first got back home and I saw that I built a career on my own BS, I am not qualified, I have no degree and I don't even understand the technical aspects of the businesses I have worked for. I also have no way of providing value at this point, I don't know how to live without carroting myself with substances, vaping/smoking as rewards. I don't know who I am, what I do know is that I am a disgusting human being. Only a terrible person could make such a disaster of their past, present and future and be a burden on their family with no hope of moving forward. I literally cannot live or move forward without these addictions propping me up and propelling me forward. I keep remembering all of the awful things I have done, it is not normal, I am horrified at who I am. I am a swindler, an addict and I have made these bad choices for decades.

The only way forward is to CTB. I tried to partial hang myself many times over the past months. I got nowhere after many, many attempts and I spent what little money I have left on SN. I received it a couple days ago and now I see that while I have a sure thing, I am too scared to poison myself and to truly remove myself from this existence. How selfish of me, I cannot add value to this world, I see it so clearly now and I can't even end my own suffering with an appropriate tool to do so. I am so disgusting that although I can't provide any kind of value or move forward, although I have caused a lot of trouble and grief to others, I don't have the guts or conviction to do the only thing I can and should do end it once and for all. I suppose I am who I am and who I have made myself to be, I can't do the right thing no matter what. I'm not a murderer or a bank robber but I am pathetic in a different way, a person with no value, a person who only takes and who cannot even do the final task of ending their own pain.

 

[brainpain2]

I share a lot of your thought, only towards myself. And I don't even have addictions to somewhat excuse me.

 

[ihavetoleave]

Thanks for your response. I was already making bad decisions before my addictions really took over and showed me how low I really could go with my life choices, led to more than twenty years of ruining my life in ways I cannot forgive myself for now. You are very lucky you do not have any addictions, this is something you should be proud of yourself for.

 

[Zebedee]

(Apologies in advance for the long post) I'll be 40 in a few months into this New Year. This year was awful for me like so many, however it was awful for me mainly due to my own choices and past behavior which I now see clearly. I have spent my life being an addict, a loser, a liar and overall a bad person. I did not see it before as I have spent the majority of my life being high, taking meds, and in general self-soothing so I did not deal with or even see reality the way everyone else does. It all caught up with me this year. I quit my job before the pandemic hit and was unable to be rehired. I had/have no money to buy more substances or afford any kind of health care to keep taking meds, I can't buy anything and my (now ex) partner was very angry with me and argued with my family to take me away. After weeks of back and forth I was brought home and now I am a burden here to my poor parents. I lost everything, my partner, my cat, my "career", any income and now I am in severe debt and it is all my fault.

Each day is a nightmare of realizing (now that I am sober) how badly I have lived my life. Literally each life step I have made has been badly done, I've made every decision in haste, panic, selfishly, and in a haze of addiction and self soothing. There is no fixing what I have done. I've always done badly with any kind of friendship or relationship, I've been a bad employee, I have always tried to hide how pathetic I really am. I tried to find another job for months when I first got back home and I saw that I built a career on my own BS, I am not qualified, I have no degree and I don't even understand the technical aspects of the businesses I have worked for. I also have no way of providing value at this point, I don't know how to live without carroting myself with substances, vaping/smoking as rewards. I don't know who I am, what I do know is that I am a disgusting human being. Only a terrible person could make such a disaster of their past, present and future and be a burden on their family with no hope of moving forward. I literally cannot live or move forward without these addictions propping me up and propelling me forward. I keep remembering all of the awful things I have done, it is not normal, I am horrified at who I am. I am a swindler, an addict and I have made these bad choices for decades.

The only way forward is to CTB. I tried to partial hang myself many times over the past months. I got nowhere after many, many attempts and I spent what little money I have left on SN. I received it a couple days ago and now I see that while I have a sure thing, I am too scared to poison myself and to truly remove myself from this existence. How selfish of me, I cannot add value to this world, I see it so clearly now and I can't even end my own suffering with an appropriate tool to do so. I am so disgusting that although I can't provide any kind of value or move forward, although I have caused a lot of trouble and grief to others, I don't have the guts or conviction to do the only thing I can and should do end it once and for all. I suppose I am who I am and who I have made myself to be, I can't do the right thing no matter what. I'm not a murderer or a bank robber but I am pathetic in a different way, a person with no value, a person who only takes and who cannot even do the final task of ending their own pain.

I can relate to every word you say, for similar reasons I see no way out except suicide and have purchased SN as well. But like you, I don't have the guts to take my own life, even though I've got nothing positive to look forward to anymore... and it's my own fault. I hope things improve for you, they definitely won't for me unless it's by some miracle.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

i feel the same way, but then i remind myself of how much worse i could be. there are people who do unbelievably horrific things. things i get sick if i think about. i think those are the truly "bad" "evil" people.

 

[Aurora]

I can totally relate to this. My life is a series of mistakes, the biggest mistake being born into my hellhole family. The only way to solve all my problems is by CTB.

 

[PressEnterToExit]

(Apologies in advance for the long post) I'll be 40 in a few months into this New Year. This year was awful for me like so many, however it was awful for me mainly due to my own choices and past behavior which I now see clearly. I have spent my life being an addict, a loser, a liar and overall a bad person. I did not see it before as I have spent the majority of my life being high, taking meds, and in general self-soothing so I did not deal with or even see reality the way everyone else does. It all caught up with me this year. I quit my job before the pandemic hit and was unable to be rehired. I had/have no money to buy more substances or afford any kind of health care to keep taking meds, I can't buy anything and my (now ex) partner was very angry with me and argued with my family to take me away. After weeks of back and forth I was brought home and now I am a burden here to my poor parents. I lost everything, my partner, my cat, my "career", any income and now I am in severe debt and it is all my fault.

Each day is a nightmare of realizing (now that I am sober) how badly I have lived my life. Literally each life step I have made has been badly done, I've made every decision in haste, panic, selfishly, and in a haze of addiction and self soothing. There is no fixing what I have done. I've always done badly with any kind of friendship or relationship, I've been a bad employee, I have always tried to hide how pathetic I really am. I tried to find another job for months when I first got back home and I saw that I built a career on my own BS, I am not qualified, I have no degree and I don't even understand the technical aspects of the businesses I have worked for. I also have no way of providing value at this point, I don't know how to live without carroting myself with substances, vaping/smoking as rewards. I don't know who I am, what I do know is that I am a disgusting human being. Only a terrible person could make such a disaster of their past, present and future and be a burden on their family with no hope of moving forward. I literally cannot live or move forward without these addictions propping me up and propelling me forward. I keep remembering all of the awful things I have done, it is not normal, I am horrified at who I am. I am a swindler, an addict and I have made these bad choices for decades.

The only way forward is to CTB. I tried to partial hang myself many times over the past months. I got nowhere after many, many attempts and I spent what little money I have left on SN. I received it a couple days ago and now I see that while I have a sure thing, I am too scared to poison myself and to truly remove myself from this existence. How selfish of me, I cannot add value to this world, I see it so clearly now and I can't even end my own suffering with an appropriate tool to do so. I am so disgusting that although I can't provide any kind of value or move forward, although I have caused a lot of trouble and grief to others, I don't have the guts or conviction to do the only thing I can and should do end it once and for all. I suppose I am who I am and who I have made myself to be, I can't do the right thing no matter what. I'm not a murderer or a bank robber but I am pathetic in a different way, a person with no value, a person who only takes and who cannot even do the final task of ending their own pain.

I think there is a reason for you to end up this way so don't blame yourself, I am sure it is not your fault life is not easy...... Please don't think of yourself this way, nice people are not meant to fit in society, and that doesn't mean you are miserable, the world is. Please try to be in peace whatever you do.