I used to be a younger sibling of 2 until my elder brother ctb by jumping off a 30 floor building in 2015. As the sole remaining child of my parents, I always felt obliged to just stay alive and put on faces for their sake even though I was suffering internally and no longer wanted to exist. I've spent my daily life for the past 8 years since my brothers passing looking for distractions be it in video games, television, YouTube shorts and the occasional bout of toxic delusional positivity. Unconsciously I'm already too mentally broken to live life with any sort of enthusiasm and am haunted by a pensive apathy that will not leave. My life plan had been to wait out until I turned 50 and my parents passed away before ctb.
My body has probably received my sentiments and shut itself down. I have trouble balancing when walking/getting out of bed. My body feels numb and I am losing my motor coordination and muscular strength. All the doctors I have visited have shrugged off my physical struggles because I look like a healthy 30 year old. If my parents were no longer here, I would not have much reservation against ctb at all. But their existence is a dilemma to my best interests for myself and I really worry that they will not handle my passing well. My damage control plan would be to cover up the cause of death. I will send a shock message during my attempt to one of my friends to clear up any evidence, making it look like a natural death. if any investigations take, due to the nature of the circumstances, there will be evidence that my friend did not assist me in my ctb, but merely wanted to fulfill my dying wish to protect my parents from further grief. Despite this, I know that losing their 2nd an only child is probably an inconsolable tragedy and I really worry for how they will cope after my death. I really do not know how to deal with this dilemma. Stay alive and deal with the uncertainty of my deteriorating condition, or catch the bus and devastate my parents?
My body has probably received my sentiments and shut itself down. I have trouble balancing when walking/getting out of bed. My body feels numb and I am losing my motor coordination and muscular strength. All the doctors I have visited have shrugged off my physical struggles because I look like a healthy 30 year old. If my parents were no longer here, I would not have much reservation against ctb at all. But their existence is a dilemma to my best interests for myself and I really worry that they will not handle my passing well. My damage control plan would be to cover up the cause of death. I will send a shock message during my attempt to one of my friends to clear up any evidence, making it look like a natural death. if any investigations take, due to the nature of the circumstances, there will be evidence that my friend did not assist me in my ctb, but merely wanted to fulfill my dying wish to protect my parents from further grief. Despite this, I know that losing their 2nd an only child is probably an inconsolable tragedy and I really worry for how they will cope after my death. I really do not know how to deal with this dilemma. Stay alive and deal with the uncertainty of my deteriorating condition, or catch the bus and devastate my parents?
