I've got a couple of odd ball habits related to depression and suicidal thoughts. I've tried to look them up on the usual depression related sites and come up empty. I've brought them up with my psychs and they kind of push pass them pretty quickly.
1 - For the last year or so, I will get random memories of embarrassing or stressful moments. Sometimes they are events that I haven't even thought about in 20+ years. And they aren't always major things. It may just be a time where I said something slightly embarrassing. Or I barely ran a red light. Or didn't do great on a test from 7th grade...so pretty minor stuff.
Now these memories will come out of nowhere and they hit almost like an electric shock. I react almost involuntarily with rapid profanity like "shit" of "motherfucker" of "you need to die" (almost like tourette). Sometimes it's a physical reaction where I'll actually hit myself in the head or my arm will punch or my leg will kick.
Apparently, I can control it enough that I can keep the profanity under my breath and the physical reaction to a minimum if I'm around other people. But sometimes people will ask me what the hell I just said or did.
This happens about a dozen times per day.
So each time this happens it feels like a drop falling into a bucket and as the bucket gets fuller it just adds creedance to my beliefs of worthlessness.
2 - When I'm listening to music (mostly in the car), I find that I will start singing along but replace the lyrics with very simple but repetitive self depricating lines (you're a peice of shit...it's time for you to die...you're garbage). I can do this for hours not really recognizing that I'm doing it.
I'm just curious. Anybody else run into this?
1 - For the last year or so, I will get random memories of embarrassing or stressful moments. Sometimes they are events that I haven't even thought about in 20+ years. And they aren't always major things. It may just be a time where I said something slightly embarrassing. Or I barely ran a red light. Or didn't do great on a test from 7th grade...so pretty minor stuff.
Now these memories will come out of nowhere and they hit almost like an electric shock. I react almost involuntarily with rapid profanity like "shit" of "motherfucker" of "you need to die" (almost like tourette). Sometimes it's a physical reaction where I'll actually hit myself in the head or my arm will punch or my leg will kick.
Apparently, I can control it enough that I can keep the profanity under my breath and the physical reaction to a minimum if I'm around other people. But sometimes people will ask me what the hell I just said or did.
This happens about a dozen times per day.
So each time this happens it feels like a drop falling into a bucket and as the bucket gets fuller it just adds creedance to my beliefs of worthlessness.
2 - When I'm listening to music (mostly in the car), I find that I will start singing along but replace the lyrics with very simple but repetitive self depricating lines (you're a peice of shit...it's time for you to die...you're garbage). I can do this for hours not really recognizing that I'm doing it.
I'm just curious. Anybody else run into this?
