Venting A Choice With No Good Outcome

[SomewhatLoved]

I've been suicidal for over half my life. For the past year or so I've been feeling a little bit better, but before that I had been idealizing suicide since year 3 or 4 of primary school. My parents are divorced and I never had emotional support at home, so for a lot of my youth I felt alone. For a really long time I had trouble making friends and I dealt with bullying which still really messes with my ability to make friends, have healthy social relationships, or even just feel accepted and welcomed in any sort of social environment. But towards the end of secondary school, I met my boyfriend. Up to that point I had never had a partner before, and he really made me happy. It seemed like once we were together everything was ok, and I always looked forward to seeing him again - I still do. But now we are becoming adults and getting jobs and life is hard, and a lot of the time I can't help but feel like I'm not enough or I'm too weak. When I was in secondary school I spent a lot of my time pissing around and not doing much studying because I didn't really see myself going anywhere in life, and so it was hard for me to work towards a future. But now I have him and I really wish I had put in the effort when I was younger to be a good partner for him. Whenever I tell him I feel like I'm not good enough or that he could find someone smarter, he always reassures me and tells me that it's ok because everyone goes through life at a different pace and what matters is that I'm doing my best and taking evening classes so that I'll be able to get more education and work in a fulfilling field. But still, it's hard for me to feel like enough. He did really well in all his classes and was able to get into a good program right out of school and now as he's finishing up, he's saying that in about a year he wants to move across the country to be closer to one of his lifelong friends, and that he wants me to come. I love him but at the same time I don't know anything about the city, I don't know any friends or family there, and with me not graduated and him right out of school, it would be very hard to support ourselves. My country is one of the most expensive for cost of living in the world, and jobs in my field don't pay very well and are hard to come by in that area of the country. I love him so much and he tells me that he's always wanted to be roommates with this friend, but I'm scared of leaving behind everything and everyone I know to be with him in a new (more expensive) city with less opportunities for work. He tells me that he wants to get married some day and I know that I do too, but moving like this just feels like so scary and I understand he wants to be close to his best friend, but I wonder why it feels like this is his priority in life and I'm just an accessory. If we want to get married sometime I feel like we should be working towards building a life together or saving to buy a house, but it just feels like he wants me to come along with him and find some way to finish my education while working and paying rent. I don't want to take it away from him because they've been friends for so long and it would crush me if he chose me over this dream and then he ended up not being happy with me, but at the same time I feel like I would be living someone else's dream and I would lose all my friends and family in the process of moving with him. I don't want to break up with him because it feels like he's the only thing that's made me happy since I was a child, but yet it feels so hard to accept all these new things and it makes me wonder if I would've been better off if I had just killed myself when I was more suicidal, and sometimes it makes me suicidal because I feel caught between love and pursuing a fulfilling career and everything that I've ever known.