A change of circumstances

[Sinai Silence]

Hey guys

So after a lot of thought I've decided my to postpone my plans to ctb for a few reasons. I will be taking a break from the site for a while and if I end up coming back then I will proceed with my plans.

Firstly due to my grandfather's health has significantly deteriorated quite recently and I don't know how long he has left. He's been showing me everything he wants to give me when he passes away and I asked him why now, he told me he doesn't think he has long left. I don't think it would be possible for me to ctb if he is to go soon, my original plan was to ctb after he died anyways.

Secondly due to the police and my family keeping a close eye on me after my attack. There have been several checkups by police and my mum wants to know every single thing I'm doing outside of the house. So going out to ctb will be next to impossible and I'm definitely not doing it in the house. She forces me to get a taxi or lift everywhere I go now, even though I normally just walk everywhere within a fair radius.

Lastly because of the escort I've been seeing, I know it sounds pathetic. But I have been really enjoying time with her (apart from the obvious) and we have a lot in common. Its still early days so I'm not getting my hopes up for anything and it feels pretty complicated. I don't know how to feel about it; a part of me feels stupid for catching feelings for an escort and the other part feels so much joy to hear from her. We talk each other a lot and are very open with one another; I don't know if that's typical between a client and escort or not. Feel free to laugh at me or whatever.

I feel so lost right now and even though I want to ctb, I feel like I can't. I feel so stupid, I already put in to action so much to prepare and now I don't know what to do, all I feel is regret. I have no plans for what to do next so I guess I'll take each day as it comes. I'm sorry for giving the impression that I was gonna go soon. I wish the best for each and every one of you, this community is something special and I am happy to have met such wonderful people on here.

This is Sinai. Not saying goodnight, just saying.

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I am happy to see that you are giving life another chance. Regarding the escort, if she brigs joy to you and motivates you to keep on living, I see nothing wrong about your relationship.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Are you actually seeing this escort without paying? if so, she is definitely into you.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

we support you whatever decision you make. i wish you peace with whatever you decide.

 

[Ghost2211]

I hope your recovery goes well. Hopefully life gets better ❤

 

[BitterlyAlive]

Best wishes, mate. It was wonderful getting to have your insight and perspective on here. Take care

 

[BPD Barbie]

Best of luck with everything and I hope that life goes in the best direction for you love

 

[miguel6565]

Best of luck in your recovery i really wish you can find peace in your decision even if is ctb or staying here whit us,i also had a thought on givinglife another chance while being high and drunk,i send positive vibes to you

 

[BetterInthanOut]

Good luck with everything, whatever you decide

 

[Sinai Silence]

Hey everyone I just want to start off by saying I appreciate all your kind messages that you left. It is nice to see some familiar faces still here and to the people gone I hope they have found peace wherever they may be. I guess this is just me leaving you an update, the past few months have certainly had its ups and downs.

I guess I'll start with my grandad. He passed away after catching covid last month. He died 30 minutes before we arrived at the hospital which sucked big time. We went to see his body and its the first time I've seen a dead body in person, felt quite sobering. I wrote a eulogy for his funeral which was pretty difficult and everyone giving their condolences got very tiring very quick. Things are pretty tough since he's been gone. Everyone in the family looks to me to be the strong one which I'm certainly not. He was always the person I'd go to for answers and feel safe around and now I feel lost. He left me a lot in his will which I definitely don't deserve and have no clue what to do with. At least it means I don't have to worry about money for a while.

As for the escort we have almost been together for 5 months now and it feels strange to experience some sort of happiness and love. It is a new feeling to feel appreciated and cared about. She is the kindest person I've ever got to know and a beautiful soul. There has been our share of tough times but we've got through them together. She is an incredibly strong person and with what she has gone through it makes my problems feel quite miniscule. Every time I'm with her is paradise but when we're apart it f*cking sucks lol, there are times I feel on top of the world and others where the pain feels unbearable. There are a few people I spoke to on here who I wish I came to ask for advice on how to help her since a lot of the time I felt really out of my depth. But we are still both here and we are planning to move in together once all the pandemic bs is over with. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

I still have everything I need to ctb but I know I won't be doing it with the way things are going, even though at times it does really suck. I've been having strong urges to sh again but I'm trying to refrain from it. Every day feels the same at the moment, but my gf is coming over for Christmas tomorrow and I'm sure she'll give me the gift of serotonin. I wanna wish you all happy holidays and best of luck in the New Year. No matter what I appreciate you all.

Love Sinai

 

[justanotherstar]

Hi Sinai, you don't know me as I'm still a newbie and joined after you took a break but I've read this post and i found it very touching. It's lovely to hear that there are things in this life worth kicking around for now despite all the shit and I just wanted to wish you the best, just another stranger :-)

 

[flatearth]

Oh i am so happy to hear about your return!! Reading this made me smile and reminded me of the few beauties life has to offer. It fills me with joy knowing that you are finally getting the happiness you deserve To celebrate the holidays with someone you love must be so wonderful. i hope the both of you have amazing christmas and new years :D