Discussion A blissful realisation

[Swimbike]

Hello eve

Following a period of hell on earths. I found peace a week ago, when I embraced the idea of ending my life. A calm descended and I feel empowered. Previously, in my life, suicide was never an option, so all this is brand new.

I have been researching methods since awakening to death, I settled on CB and chose today (my birthday). I made a plan having identified the time, place and the safety of those who would discover my body. On balance I felt choosing this day would be less mournful over time for my family. I ruled out making the approach to Christmas an everlasting reminder of my passing.

I want to succeed as I cannot imagine the deathless death arising from a failed attempt.

Three weeks ago I had reached out to a stranger elsewhere online. They had made two unsuccessful attempts which seemed brutal. I read their posts and sought their counsel. The response eventually arrived and as a result I discovered this site and SN. Literally 48 hours ago.

As a result my emotional state changed. Learning about SN, the medical evidence, the role of painkillers, recommended sedatives etc. Left me to conclude this was more peaceful and my preferred method. It has been destabilising for me to transition from knowing to uncertainty, but I do feel a little more settled again having regained my composure after discounting CB.

Frustratingly, I now learn that SN seems unobtainable which has once again had an effect. On reflection suicide is becoming a negative experience just like my life.

That's rather upsetting after the revelation that reaching the decision filled me with radiant light.

Please share your own experience of reaching the decision.

Sent in peace and love

 

[Captive of Mind]

I had a very similar experience. Before I knew of this site, I was going to use a firearm and was pretty scared, but assured in the fact that it will be all over once I do it. I just thought that was my best shot at succeeding and having it be an immediate death. Then I found this site and was considering an exit bag because it was the most peaceful option. It seemed complicated and I didn't want to deal with the hassle or risk of brain damage if it failed. When I saw the information on SN, I figured that it was the best option all around.

Although having the choice between different, preferable methods was good, it also lead to me becoming stressed out about the planning and deciding what was best. That anxiety over all the uncertainty only lasted a few weeks. Now I am in a numb state just waiting for some day in October since this month has a significant date that I don't want to tarnish. This idleness is making the SI build up, but I know I will do it when it comes time.

 

[Swimbike]

Hi SuchAStrangeWorld

I just woke up and read your experience. Although my reality is that I haven't really slept for three weeks now and it's taken it's toll.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I see now that my initial emotional response has been derailed by lack of sleep, food, emotion (I am the living dead right now), and not bargaining for the effect of the significant dates you refer to.

On some level I feel hoodwinked by my own feelings, which is unexpected as it's my mind that is masquerading as my saviour. I see now it's my ego fighting for life since my awakening.

 

[Captive of Mind]

Your language is very poetic and raw.

I'm sure many people here could relate with that zombie like state you speak of. And when you said you've been hoodwinked by your own feelings, that hit me right in the heart because I identify with that so much. My emotions have pulled me in so many directions that I don't want to go. It is as if my "self" is standing back watching while a spirit possesses me. There are multiple beings within me and they are always tricking one another. There are times when I know I am being duped in the moment while it is happening and can't stop it. Then I feel horrible and hate myself afterwards. When will this cycle of shame end?

I think that you should wait until you have slept and eaten more so that you could have a more stable mind. This will allow you to plan things out better and have a better chance of executing things successfully. One of the biggest reasons why people come here is so that they minimize the chance of failure. All it takes is one failed attempt to royally screw you over in many different ways. So if you are going to do it, make sure you don't take any chances!