Venting A big selfish rant... Sorry

[Forever Sleep]

Hi guys. I'm sorry, this is a boring selfish rant because I want to get it off my chest and there's no one else I can talk to...

I know a lot of you are in the same position here- feeling like you HAVE to stay because of one or more people in your life. For me, I'm trying to keep going for my Dad. For now at least, I don't feel like I could do it to him. I know it would devastate him.

Ironically though, he wouldn't be mourning me as I am. It would only be his version of me that maybe I was or had the potential to be at some point. If he really knew just how bad I feel, I think he could let me go.

I don't really feel like I could show that either though because I think a small part of him would feel responsible and he would want to help- even though he can't. We're just left with this bizarre act where I'm still 'happy' on occasions because he can't cope with the constant pessimism. Only occasionally do the glimses of how bad things are come through but he just thinks so differently to me... We're in a (very) long 'It will get better' phase...

I'm currently looking for a new job and it's just as bad as I thought it would be. Quite honestly- it's actually ridiculous. I'm trying to find a job that I don't want which I'm confident I will hate- if I even manage to find a job to begin with. All to support a life I don't want either. I know I'm preaching to the converted here of course. Still- WTF are we doing?!!

I tried my year out of date metoclopramide this morning- one tablet with thankfully no ill effects- just in case circumstances suddenly change and I can make my departure.

Also, I kind of suspect someone I had a few chats with on here may have passed. Does anyone know whether @Girl-shaped Wound attempted CTB? I know for the past few weekends, she was feeling more and more ready. I know it's stupid and selfish to make connections on here. I keep thinking about her though. I wish I knew. Sometimes I think she may have gone and I feel so happy for her that she might be at peace now. She is/was a lovely person.

Anyhow, I'm sorry for the pointless, meandering rant. I hope you are all managing to cope in your unhappy corner of the world. Love to you all. ❤ I'm so grateful for this community.

 

[hopelessdreams]

i'm sorry you are going through this. i'm in the same situation and some days it's harder than others to keep going.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like a difficult situation to be in, I get that it can certainly be tiring feeling trapped here when all that you really wish for is to leave. Life does just seem to be a pointless experience with far too much unnecessary suffering and it makes sense not having the motivation for anything when you don't even want to be here in the first place. But at least in my case I could never only exist only for the sake of other people but I understand that it's hard for some people when they don't want to leave others behind. I guess the only real relief is that we will all be free from this existence someday even if that fact doesn't feel like much of a relief now.

 

[Smart No More]

I relate quite a bit to some of the things you said there. I don't see any need to apologise for sharing your thoughts. It's therapeutic right?! It's part of the function of this forum so if you can't talk about that stuff here I don't know where you can. It's so frustrating being unable to have these honest conversations with loved ones. Can make you feel very lonely amongst people you otherwise cherish and love which makes it all the worse. Largely because this is where it really counts and you want to go out with a sincere and complete meeting of minds. I feel for you and fwiw I'm in a similar situation. Due to ill health in my case.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Your situation exemplifies the fact that if someone finds life profoundly and fundamentally unrewarding, as I think you'd say you do, then there isn't anything anyone else could really do to change that. If only loved ones could understand that; maybe then they would be more inclined to let go and wouldn't blame themselves for being unable to perform a superhuman miracle. Though I guess that's hard for someone with no experience of suicidality to grasp.

 

[ksp]

i'm so sorry you're going through this…
i hope you'll manage to resolve at least some of your problems