futurebuscatcher
Cat Connoisseur
- Sep 15, 2024
- 75
Alright guys I'm doing it, one step at a time.
I bought the rope tonight, in my favorite color too. It's about a 1/2inch diamond braided chord and all. I plan to make the noose and test out a few anchor points.
It felt weird. Part of me was nervous going in and getting it but the second I checked out I felt relief. My heart was pounding. Now I feel neutral. It's a strange feeling realizing your mortality and how you may die soon. I still feel a bit odd but happy
Since failure is pretty common the first few times I plan on doing a few mini tests to make sure I target my arteries properly and see if the position I want to die in is possible— I have very limited space but I also want to be comfortable and maybe kneel or something.
I know survival instinct and general fear will kick in. Especially since there is a small hope I may feel better (but it seems all my attempts to seek help has failed). So I plan to just have it in position for when I am ready.
All it will take is for an episode to strike and I'll be able to do it easily without the SI and all. Given how this year is going I don't doubt it'll be a little into next year.
I'm currently psyching myself up for it. I think sometime in late January to Febuary would be a great time as I'd be enrolled in a new college and won't have to worry about reapplying if I fuck up and can't make it to orientation before then. Plus it'll be after all the holidays so maybe I can send the few people in my life I care about with a few gifts.
I'm finishing up my note (ive been lazy but also dont know what to put). Part of my want to be pretty bitter in it but I decided that I'm going to be positive and leave on a good note. It's not gonna matter anyways. I feel like if I'm bitter it'd gonna make my CBT more miserable.
I know it's risky to rely on the erraticness of my mood swings but it's worth a shot.
At least it's something.
Sorry about this ramble. I'm just so happy right now. I'm excited to take the next step even if its just a little one. I am going to make this plan more concrete in the future but right now, I'm just focused on the noose. Thanks for reading.
I bought the rope tonight, in my favorite color too. It's about a 1/2inch diamond braided chord and all. I plan to make the noose and test out a few anchor points.
It felt weird. Part of me was nervous going in and getting it but the second I checked out I felt relief. My heart was pounding. Now I feel neutral. It's a strange feeling realizing your mortality and how you may die soon. I still feel a bit odd but happy
Since failure is pretty common the first few times I plan on doing a few mini tests to make sure I target my arteries properly and see if the position I want to die in is possible— I have very limited space but I also want to be comfortable and maybe kneel or something.
I know survival instinct and general fear will kick in. Especially since there is a small hope I may feel better (but it seems all my attempts to seek help has failed). So I plan to just have it in position for when I am ready.
All it will take is for an episode to strike and I'll be able to do it easily without the SI and all. Given how this year is going I don't doubt it'll be a little into next year.
I'm currently psyching myself up for it. I think sometime in late January to Febuary would be a great time as I'd be enrolled in a new college and won't have to worry about reapplying if I fuck up and can't make it to orientation before then. Plus it'll be after all the holidays so maybe I can send the few people in my life I care about with a few gifts.
I'm finishing up my note (ive been lazy but also dont know what to put). Part of my want to be pretty bitter in it but I decided that I'm going to be positive and leave on a good note. It's not gonna matter anyways. I feel like if I'm bitter it'd gonna make my CBT more miserable.
I know it's risky to rely on the erraticness of my mood swings but it's worth a shot.
At least it's something.
Sorry about this ramble. I'm just so happy right now. I'm excited to take the next step even if its just a little one. I am going to make this plan more concrete in the future but right now, I'm just focused on the noose. Thanks for reading.
