TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,821
In my other thread that lists all the suicide fuel and reasons (as well as my background), I have a 9th reason on top the eight there, and this one is the feeling of how bad I am IRL at a lot of things that people are good or at least average at. Growing up, I had a narrow focus on things, namely video games and what not, then later in childhood the piano. However, there are many other activities and tasks that I am bad at, such as sports and drawing (visual art).
For example, when I was young, my parents enrolled me in an intramural soccer organization (amateur only) and I was terrible. I know fuck all of what I was doing, wasn't a team player, didn't have much perception in a team activity on what to do, just bad movement and coordination. So then, I learned I wasn't cut out for sports, just plain bad at it. I wasn't a good physical fighter either (which later I accepted due to wanting to protect my hands and fingers from injuries as I cared more for music and piano playing -- hell, even avoided many tasks that people did just for the sake of my hobby, but I digress). Another thing was that when growing up and even as an adult, I'm just so bad that I can't do fucking shit at manual labor, have low pain tolerances, and endurance and stamina is poor (so physical activities are kind of off limits and anything sports, well I'm fucked). So as a result, if I were to fight someone physically, I'd get my ass handed to me on a platter carved up for good measure (it's a metaphor - not literally). I probably could barely even hold my ground if a strong enough person overpowers me. Can't defend myself properly (self defense), let alone go on the offense (retaliate physically if a situation arises). Note: I am not planning to do violence or wishing to, I'm just stating that I lack a capability that most people have or are capable of.
Before you go and tell me well take martial arts (I could get into a long debate and tangent on this but I won't), I'm just going to say it's not an option and most likely not what I'm seeking after. Also, as for the military, well for one, I won't be able to go in (will get screened out due to mental issues and probably failing the physical aspect, plus as someone who doesn't take kind to being ordered around, well that won't go well at all), and even then, do they even teach much hand to hand combat and if so, how much? See, that is the problem with going to such great lengths, is because of the cost and no guaranty that it would be specifically towards my goals and uses.
Another thing I always sucked at where others are ok with are fighting games, yes things like Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, SSBB, SSBM, etc. To be fair, I never really got into the genre, but even when I tried to or if someone tried to show me the ropes (pun not intended), I still fail miserably. I couldn't tell you why because I just don't know. I've resigned to the fact that there are just things that I suck at while others excel at and that's life. It's probably more than that, but that's the simple explanation/answer to it.
While I may have other assets such as intelligence and good writing and academic skills, that means almost fuck all unless I'm one of those geniuses in history (Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Isaac Newton, etc.) and also, while I may be smarter than the average person and more introspective, blackpilled (grounded in reality), it won't do me well in the real world that much. I'm smart enough to outsmart a lot of normies, but not smart enough to make something epic or do something meaningful. Hell, even I'd lose verbal arguments when I get too nervous and my brain gets overwhelmed (sensory issues due to autism and on the spectrum).
In conclusion, I hate myself more than I hate most of my enemies IRL because of my inferiority as a person. While there "could" be improvements, I doubt that may/not help me much or in a way that I expect it to. (e.g. just gaining more bulk, muscle, physical prowess doesn't do shit if I'm bad at confrontations or physical fights) Also, just merely trying different things, well maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but I'm so tired that I don't even want to attempt to improve these failing aspects of my life and rather just CTB to end my suffering.
For example, when I was young, my parents enrolled me in an intramural soccer organization (amateur only) and I was terrible. I know fuck all of what I was doing, wasn't a team player, didn't have much perception in a team activity on what to do, just bad movement and coordination. So then, I learned I wasn't cut out for sports, just plain bad at it. I wasn't a good physical fighter either (which later I accepted due to wanting to protect my hands and fingers from injuries as I cared more for music and piano playing -- hell, even avoided many tasks that people did just for the sake of my hobby, but I digress). Another thing was that when growing up and even as an adult, I'm just so bad that I can't do fucking shit at manual labor, have low pain tolerances, and endurance and stamina is poor (so physical activities are kind of off limits and anything sports, well I'm fucked). So as a result, if I were to fight someone physically, I'd get my ass handed to me on a platter carved up for good measure (it's a metaphor - not literally). I probably could barely even hold my ground if a strong enough person overpowers me. Can't defend myself properly (self defense), let alone go on the offense (retaliate physically if a situation arises). Note: I am not planning to do violence or wishing to, I'm just stating that I lack a capability that most people have or are capable of.
Before you go and tell me well take martial arts (I could get into a long debate and tangent on this but I won't), I'm just going to say it's not an option and most likely not what I'm seeking after. Also, as for the military, well for one, I won't be able to go in (will get screened out due to mental issues and probably failing the physical aspect, plus as someone who doesn't take kind to being ordered around, well that won't go well at all), and even then, do they even teach much hand to hand combat and if so, how much? See, that is the problem with going to such great lengths, is because of the cost and no guaranty that it would be specifically towards my goals and uses.
Another thing I always sucked at where others are ok with are fighting games, yes things like Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, SSBB, SSBM, etc. To be fair, I never really got into the genre, but even when I tried to or if someone tried to show me the ropes (pun not intended), I still fail miserably. I couldn't tell you why because I just don't know. I've resigned to the fact that there are just things that I suck at while others excel at and that's life. It's probably more than that, but that's the simple explanation/answer to it.
While I may have other assets such as intelligence and good writing and academic skills, that means almost fuck all unless I'm one of those geniuses in history (Albert Einstein, Nikola Tesla, Isaac Newton, etc.) and also, while I may be smarter than the average person and more introspective, blackpilled (grounded in reality), it won't do me well in the real world that much. I'm smart enough to outsmart a lot of normies, but not smart enough to make something epic or do something meaningful. Hell, even I'd lose verbal arguments when I get too nervous and my brain gets overwhelmed (sensory issues due to autism and on the spectrum).
In conclusion, I hate myself more than I hate most of my enemies IRL because of my inferiority as a person. While there "could" be improvements, I doubt that may/not help me much or in a way that I expect it to. (e.g. just gaining more bulk, muscle, physical prowess doesn't do shit if I'm bad at confrontations or physical fights) Also, just merely trying different things, well maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but I'm so tired that I don't even want to attempt to improve these failing aspects of my life and rather just CTB to end my suffering.
