Venting 5am sad vent

[sadghost]

TW: eating disorder thoughts/behaviour

I truly can't do life anymore, I'm actually deteriorating. I'm tired 24/7 and then I stay up until I physically can't anymore for no reason and then pass out and have such vivid dreams. Sometimes they're good and sometimes they're bad but they feel so real. It kind of affects my perception of reality. I usually wake up a couple of times around 10am-2pm and then go back to sleep. Truthfully, I try to sleep in as much as possible to avoid eating. Also truthfully I don't think I'll ever be able to live without my eating disorder. It's kind of my best friend in a fucked up way.

I got an email from my school about registration. My heart sank. I can't imagine going back. Everybody thinks I'm fine but I can't stop thinking about CTB. They talk about the future that they prescribed for me while I daydream about eternal nothingness. I wish that I could cry right now but I'm too tired. It is so cruel that I have to lay here at 5am in my flesh prison that I want to set on fire.

 

[Garbage Person]

This is a moment where I stare at the box that says "write your reply" and I just draw a blank. I couldn't possibly have any advice or words to really take any of that away. I could just back out and pretend I didn't read it, but I at least want to acknowledge your suffering. I'm sorry it's like this for you. I tend to sleep too much myself, I've even lost many jobs due to this. I just always wanted to be in the dream world and escape reality, I'd turn to drugs in my waking state just to blur the lines and try to forget, go back to sleep or make me function long enough to complete another shift. I hope things can possibly become more bearable for you and that you can find peace in some state. I don't know what your plan is, but maybe school could take the backseat for now while you daydream a little longer and possibly find a better way, whatever that might be.

 

[sadghost]

This is a moment where I stare at the box that says "write your reply" and I just draw a blank. I couldn't possibly have any advice or words to really take any of that away. I could just back out and pretend I didn't read it, but I at least want to acknowledge your suffering. I'm sorry it's like this for you. I tend to sleep too much myself, I've even lost many jobs due to this. I just always wanted to be in the dream world and escape reality, I'd turn to drugs in my waking state just to blur the lines and try to forget, go back to sleep or make me function long enough to complete another shift. I hope things can possibly become more bearable for you and that you can find peace in some state. I don't know what your plan is, but maybe school could take the backseat for now while you daydream a little longer and possibly find a better way, whatever that might be.

Sincerely, thank you so much for this response. Your understanding and taking the time to respond is very touching. I'm so sorry for your suffering as well, and I relate heavily to your desire to escape reality. I have always had issues sleeping in too much for this reason as well. I also hope that reality improves on your end

 

[falloutcarter13]

Sleep is the only thing I've enjoyed for years, I totally understand. I hope death is like a form of sleep. I'm so sorry you feel this way, but I'm glad you felt safe enough to let it out here ((hug))

 

[so tired or manic]

the always tired could be sleep apnea. couldn't hurt to get tested if you're up for it

 

[sadghost]

the always tired could be sleep apnea. couldn't hurt to get tested if you're up for it

Thank you for the suggestion! I just looked that up and I don't really identify with any of the symptoms. I think it's just nutritional deficiencies and/or depression tbh