MKWRFKLV
Member
- Dec 14, 2018
- 6
Is how certain I've been that death is preferable to life.
I've contemplated CTB everyday since I was ~13--almost 13 years now. I never used to have much reason for staying alive--perhaps it was fear that kept me around.
Eventually, after years of deliberation, I decided that if I am to live, I must have absolute reason.
I concluded that life is most likely inherently meaningless--but that if that were not the case, no matter how unlikely the chance, then it must have something to do with the perseverance of (intelligent) life. Insofar as that human beings are the only forms of life which we know that can ascertain the question of meaning.
It has been this intrinsic property that has kept me alive for the last several years--or at least, I want to believe so. Part of me realizes that fear is probably involved. Fear of the unknown . . . fear of what I'd leave behind . . .
I find it difficult to believe that the times I've held a loaded gun to my head--usually a bottle or so in--that I backed out solely due to philosophical reconciliation.
In any case, for some time now it has been enough for me to see light at the end of the tunnel.
But of late the light seems to be getting dimmer by the day.
I've contemplated CTB everyday since I was ~13--almost 13 years now. I never used to have much reason for staying alive--perhaps it was fear that kept me around.
Eventually, after years of deliberation, I decided that if I am to live, I must have absolute reason.
I concluded that life is most likely inherently meaningless--but that if that were not the case, no matter how unlikely the chance, then it must have something to do with the perseverance of (intelligent) life. Insofar as that human beings are the only forms of life which we know that can ascertain the question of meaning.
It has been this intrinsic property that has kept me alive for the last several years--or at least, I want to believe so. Part of me realizes that fear is probably involved. Fear of the unknown . . . fear of what I'd leave behind . . .
I find it difficult to believe that the times I've held a loaded gun to my head--usually a bottle or so in--that I backed out solely due to philosophical reconciliation.
In any case, for some time now it has been enough for me to see light at the end of the tunnel.
But of late the light seems to be getting dimmer by the day.
