4 AM here and I am crying like a baby.

[lunargreenx]

Those ugly sobs destroy my soul.

Today I officially lost hope. I know I hear you saying - it gets better, don't worry, you are just 19. But I am TIRED of thinking that way. For once I wanna be the one that is fought for and not the one fighting.

I had ENOUGH.

Tomorrow's my birthday, yet I don't know what I am celebrating. 20 of pain, cheers!

There's noone that will miss me and noone I will miss.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sorry you have been treated this way. I wish there was something I could say to make it better. People always lie and say "It get's better".
For some it may but for many of us it doesn't. It did seem to get better for a little while for me but that was an illusion.
I hope you can find at least a little happiness on your birthday.

 

[almost_dead]

Those ugly sobs destroy my soul.

Today I officially lost hope. I know I hear you saying - it gets better, don't worry, you are just 19. But I am TIRED of thinking that way. For once I wanna be the one that is fought for and not the one fighting.

I had ENOUGH.

Tomorrow's my birthday, yet I don't know what I am celebrating. 20 of pain, cheers!

There's noone that will miss me and noone I will miss.

i am sorry for you sweetheart

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I hope somehow you have a Happy Birthday.

 

[woxihuanni]

I feel you.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I was a 19-year old gay boy who wanted to kill myself. It's 18 years later now, and I want to kill myself again, but for what it's worth, I'm glad I didn't do it back then. I had some experiences I really valued in the interim and was able to bring happiness to other people's lives during that time.

I don't know your situation, and I'm definitely not going to say some clichéd phrase like, "It gets better." I'm happy to chat, though, if you'd like. I've spent many sleepless nights sobbing as well. Having a community like this eases the pain at times.

In any case, I wish you a very happy birthday. I have the days ahead of you, however they number, be happier than the days behind you.

 

[Futile]

CTB at birthdays has always fascinated me as idea, especially with round numbers like 20

 

[lunargreenx]

Thank you all for the kind words.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Happy birthday though. Crying sucks, let it happen and allow yourself to think clearly afterwards about what you want to do.

 

[lunargreenx]

~ Just returning from my obligatory birthday party.

I was staring at the ceiling the whole time. What are gifts and people when I can't even look at them anymore. I realized I was never so miserable. It's seems end is inevitable, and if it's me who has to end it, then so it shall be.

Even the one and only friend I have, which I happen to have a crush on (so cringe I know) didn't even wrote me. I wish I never met him. He was like a molotov coctail thrown into already huge fire.

Love you all my bleeding souls. Thanks for birthday wishes.

 

[Loner]

Happy Birthday, sweetheart, we are all here for you. Stay strong.

 

[Denise2207]

~ Just returning from my obligatory birthday party.

I was staring at the ceiling the whole time. What are gifts and people when I can't even look at them anymore. I realized I was never so miserable. It's seems end is inevitable, and if it's me who has to end it, then so it shall be.

Even the one and only friend I have, which I happen to have a crush on (so cringe I know) didn't even wrote me. I wish I never met him. He was like a molotov coctail thrown into already huge fire.

Love you all my bleeding souls. Thanks for birthday wishes.

I'm so sorry you're having a tough time, especially on your birthday. I know all about the Molotov cocktail situation and it sucks.... the one person you want to care and to help you in your time of need doesn't. it hurts so much doesn't it? Sending you big happy birthday love and hugs. If you want to talk, pm me and I'll reply as soon as I can xxx

 

[RC90]

Big virtual hugs from a fellow gay member also.

 

[lunargreenx]

Love you all so much for all the support you've given me. I wish I could hug you in real life. I have to be honest, coming here to suicide forum on my birthday to talk ended being a much better talk than that I've had in-person today. It is sad but also comforting to know I am not suffering alone.

Again thanks. I hope you enjoy this night (with someone!) with a nice red wine and/or cigarette staring at the stars.