3am vent

[OurDyingSystem]

I fucking hate the US. If shit keeps going the way it's going, we'll no longer be safe to go outside without the threat of being kidnapped or killed. It sucks.
And mainly sucks because I have a lover from another system of whom lives in the UK. What do I tell him? When do I tell him?
I've already looked up some methods, and hopefully I can figure out a proper time and place. Sure, it's a last ditch effort, and sure we aren't to that point yet, but I'm scared for 2024. Sure we have some female presenting alters (our body is FtM), but who's to say they'll be able to handle having to constantly front? What about the fact that a large majority of our system is LGBT+?
Who's to say it'll be safe to be a system anymore?
I'm so fucking tired, all of us are but especially myself. I've been frontstuck for nearly three months.
I'm so so so fucking tired. I just want to put us out of our misery and ctb. But what will I do to tell our friend system? My lover in their system? I don't want to hurt them, but I'm so fucking scared and tired. Everything hurts
-Remus

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I fucking hate the US. If shit keeps going the way it's going, we'll no longer be safe to go outside without the threat of being kidnapped or killed. It sucks.
And mainly sucks because I have a lover from another system of whom lives in the UK. What do I tell him? When do I tell him?
I've already looked up some methods, and hopefully I can figure out a proper time and place. Sure, it's a last ditch effort, and sure we aren't to that point yet, but I'm scared for 2024. Sure we have some female presenting alters (our body is FtM), but who's to say they'll be able to handle having to constantly front? What about the fact that a large majority of our system is LGBT+?
Who's to say it'll be safe to be a system anymore?
I'm so fucking tired, all of us are but especially myself. I've been frontstuck for nearly three months.
I'm so so so fucking tired. I just want to put us out of our misery and ctb. But what will I do to tell our friend system? My lover in their system? I don't want to hurt them, but I'm so fucking scared and tired. Everything hurts
-Remus

Hello Remus,

I'm so sorry that you ended up on this forum, because you seem to be in very dark place, but welcome - although people (including me) might not know what it's like to be a member of "plural" system, I think this forum is somewhat system-friendly, and some members have dissociative identity disorder or other dissociative disorders.
In this forum, you have a choice - even CTBing is on the table - but please know that you also have a voice.
People are eager to listen to others!

How do you talk to him? On the internet forum like Reddit?

I don't have any dissociative disorder, so I don't know how dangerous the world is for plural people, so I want to hear your story.

I hope he loves you, too

Love,
LoiteringClouds

 

[OurDyingSystem]

Hello Remus,

I'm so sorry that you ended up on this forum, because you seem to be in very dark place, but welcome - although people (including me) might not know what it's like to be a member of "plural" system, I think this forum is somewhat system-friendly, and some members have dissociative identity disorder or other dissociative disorders.
In this forum, you have a choice - even CTBing is on the table - but please know that you also have a voice.
People are eager to listen to others!

How do you talk to him? On the internet forum like Reddit?

I don't have any dissociative disorder, so I don't know how dangerous the world is for plural people, so I want to hear your story.

I hope he loves you, too

Love,
LoiteringClouds

Thank you, it was a long time coming for us to find a place like this. Not that we will actually use the resources we find on here (most likely anyway, it's still a possibility that we might ctb because of how fucked everything is lmao-). We'll be sure to tread lightly, but thank you again for letting us know. It's always comforting yo know that others care and understand what you're going through.

We talk primarily through Instagram and Discord and have phone calls every other morning. But that's my problem, would I just leave him a farewell note before or give our sister the passcode to our discord and let her tell them? I don't want to cause another split in them, I know they're really prone to them, but it's too much sometimes with life y'know?

Well, I as an alter formed in late 2017- early 2018 as a result of a split due to the body being assaulted twice. So I hold part of our sexual trauma, and I protect us from getting any more if I can help it. I know that our earliest recorded formed alter is Petal, and they formed when our old host (who is now dormant) was a small child. Maybe three? Our parents had a shitty relationship and we were constantly moving. I don't remember any of that, obviously, I'm only going off of what other alters have said.

But recently I've been frontstuck, and sure I met my boyfriend and that's been amazing, but god, most of it sucks ass. I hate the world. We're heavier set bodily, and I thought that it would save us from prying eyes but it hasn't. Within the time I've been fronting we've almost been assaulted at least three more times I think, though it could've been more. Everything's fuzzy.

I know he loves me as much as I love him. He's my world and I can't stand the thought of hurting him, but it's been too much. We've seen so many easy and painless ways out. We want out. But at the same time we want things to get better. The problem is that I know if things were going to get better they would've by now.

With love and appreciation,
-Remus

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello Remus,

Thank you, it was a long time coming for us to find a place like this. Not that we will actually use the resources we find on here (most likely anyway, it's still a possibility that we might ctb because of how fucked everything is lmao-). We'll be sure to tread lightly, but thank you again for letting us know. It's always comforting yo know that others care and understand what you're going through.

Thanks so much for your reply
And I'm glad you are here

We talk primarily through Instagram and Discord and have phone calls every other morning. But that's my problem, would I just leave him a farewell note before or give our sister the passcode to our discord and let her tell them? I don't want to cause another split in them, I know they're really prone to them, but it's too much sometimes with life y'know?

Thanks for telling me. I've seen about splitting just on the internet, and don't know much about it, but it seems to be terrifying. I'm afraid he also might CTB - splitting is dangerous I guess. But I can't tell you to stay - sometimes it's simply unbearable and you have no option but CTBing, and only you know whether it's really hopeless.

Well, I as an alter formed in late 2017- early 2018 as a result of a split due to the body being assaulted twice. So I hold part of our sexual trauma, and I protect us from getting any more if I can help it. I know that our earliest recorded formed alter is Petal, and they formed when our old host (who is now dormant) was a small child. Maybe three? Our parents had a shitty relationship and we were constantly moving. I don't remember any of that, obviously, I'm only going off of what other alters have said.

Sorry to hear that. I have never experienced any sexual assault, so I can only imagine how terrifying it is.
I was severely bullied at school when I was 8, and it was not only humiliating but also somewhat physically dangerous. I don't remember well, but I was beaten up countless times by a gang of bullies in front of teachers, and they did nothing. I was called liar, and nobody, including my parents, took me seriously.
My mom said that I said I want to die at that time, but I don't remember if I really said so or wanted to die. And I don't remember any emotion I felt when I was 8. This is one of two memory gaps in my life. Luckily my brain simply forgot that terrible moment. I wasn't suicidal before at all, but I have had suicidal since then and now I'm 36.
It was one of the darkest moment in my life, but my childhood in general wasn't a torture. So I'm really sorry what you have endured - the abuse you and your alters experienced seems to be far worse than mine and it was a pure torture I guess.

But recently I've been frontstuck, and sure I met my boyfriend and that's been amazing, but god, most of it sucks ass. I hate the world. We're heavier set bodily, and I thought that it would save us from prying eyes but it hasn't. Within the time I've been fronting we've almost been assaulted at least three more times I think, though it could've been more. Everything's fuzzy.

I didn't know how dangerous this world can be for some people. Everybody seems to be a criminal!
How being frontstuck exhausting? (I have an "imaginary friend" but don't experience switching)

I know he loves me as much as I love him. He's my world and I can't stand the thought of hurting him, but it's been too much. We've seen so many easy and painless ways out. We want out. But at the same time we want things to get better. The problem is that I know if things were going to get better they would've by now.

I'm glad to hear you are in love, but sadly, it's tragic when you or he go. But please know that it has been a tragedy already - you've suffered a lot - it's not you who causes it even if you CTBed.
In the face of hopelessness, I can't find any word to encourage you.
Are you religious? I almost feel like there's nothing I can do but praying - I'm not Jesus and I can't save you.

Thanks for reading and I'll appreciate if you (or somebody in your system) wrote me back.

Love,
LoiteringClouds

 

[OurDyingSystem]

Hello Remus,


Thanks so much for your reply
And I'm glad you are here


Thanks for telling me. I've seen about splitting just on the internet, and don't know much about it, but it seems to be terrifying. I'm afraid he also might CTB - splitting is dangerous I guess. But I can't tell you to stay - sometimes it's simply unbearable and you have no option but CTBing, and only you know whether it's really hopeless.


Sorry to hear that. I have never experienced any sexual assault, so I can only imagine how terrifying it is.
I was severely bullied at school when I was 8, and it was not only humiliating but also somewhat physically dangerous. I don't remember well, but I was beaten up countless times by a gang of bullies in front of teachers, and they did nothing. I was called liar, and nobody, including my parents, took me seriously.
My mom said that I said I want to die at that time, but I don't remember if I really said so or wanted to die. And I don't remember any emotion I felt when I was 8. This is one of two memory gaps in my life. Luckily my brain simply forgot that terrible moment. I wasn't suicidal before at all, but I have had suicidal since then and now I'm 36.
It was one of the darkest moment in my life, but my childhood in general wasn't a torture. So I'm really sorry what you have endured - the abuse you and your alters experienced seems to be far worse than mine and it was a pure torture I guess.


I didn't know how dangerous this world can be for some people. Everybody seems to be a criminal!
How being frontstuck exhausting? (I have an "imaginary friend" but don't experience switching)


I'm glad to hear you are in love, but sadly, it's tragic when you or he go. But please know that it has been a tragedy already - you've suffered a lot - it's not you who causes it even if you CTBed.
In the face of hopelessness, I can't find any word to encourage you.
Are you religious? I almost feel like there's nothing I can do but praying - I'm not Jesus and I can't save you.

Thanks for reading and I'll appreciate if you (or somebody in your system) wrote me back.

Love,
LoiteringClouds

We're glad you're here too, and sorry for responding to your whole message instead of breaking it into pieces like you did, we don't know exactly how to do that lmao.

Splitting is horrifying to witness in a system when you're apart of said system, at least for us. It's painful and most times you can lose that alter completely. So if Janus were to split they would run the risk of losing him. While we would be long gone, I'm still worried.

I'm so sorry you went through that. Bullying sucks, and the fact that no one took you seriously is utter bullshit, in the sense that they didn't believe you that is. People are so fucking stupid, and for that I am genuinely so sorry.
From what some of our other alters have said, before I formed our childhood was like walking through a minefield. Regardless of if we had it worse, trauma is trauma, and I'm sorry you went through any of that.

Being a system is like having a life long road trip, whoever is fully fronting at the time is basically driving. So, when an alter is frontstuck They're essentially stuck driving that vehicle for however long, and typically it's without breaks. I've been 'driving' us for almost four months now.

I am, I'm deeply in love but everything is too much. But thank you either way for talking to me, and sharing as well. It helped a little knowing we aren't entirely alone. Personally, me as an alter? No I am not. How ever we do have a Catholic alter, I'm sure he'd appreciate the prayers, though we aren't forcing you to.

Thank you again and with love,
-Remus

 

[sillygirl]

I fucking hate the US. If shit keeps going the way it's going, we'll no longer be safe to go outside without the threat of being kidnapped or killed. It sucks.
And mainly sucks because I have a lover from another system of whom lives in the UK. What do I tell him? When do I tell him?
I've already looked up some methods, and hopefully I can figure out a proper time and place. Sure, it's a last ditch effort, and sure we aren't to that point yet, but I'm scared for 2024. Sure we have some female presenting alters (our body is FtM), but who's to say they'll be able to handle having to constantly front? What about the fact that a large majority of our system is LGBT+?
Who's to say it'll be safe to be a system anymore?
I'm so fucking tired, all of us are but especially myself. I've been frontstuck for nearly three months.
I'm so so so fucking tired. I just want to put us out of our misery and ctb. But what will I do to tell our friend system? My lover in their system? I don't want to hurt them, but I'm so fucking scared and tired. Everything hurts
-Remus

i'm so sorry that you have to deal with all this, i'm not very educated on DID but i have a basic understanding. i'm sorry that you're hurt, tired and scared and i wish i could say that thing get better, but i don't think i'd be here if i really believed that they did. if you need to talk i'm always here and i hope you find some form of relief one way or another <3

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello Remus,
Thanks for your response

We're glad you're here too, and sorry for responding to your whole message instead of breaking it into pieces like you did, we don't know exactly how to do that lmao.

When you select the text in the posts and "Quote/Reply" menu appears. If you choose Reply, the selected text appears on your reply.

Splitting is horrifying to witness in a system when you're apart of said system, at least for us. It's painful and most times you can lose that alter completely. So if Janus were to split they would run the risk of losing him. While we would be long gone, I'm still worried.

It's so sad because it's basically an alter's death, I guess. Is Janus your friend system's name?

I'm so sorry you went through that. Bullying sucks, and the fact that no one took you seriously is utter bullshit, in the sense that they didn't believe you that is. People are so fucking stupid, and for that I am genuinely so sorry.
From what some of our other alters have said, before I formed our childhood was like walking through a minefield. Regardless of if we had it worse, trauma is trauma, and I'm sorry you went through any of that.

Thanks so much for your understanding, and sorry for your childhood trauma.

Being a system is like having a life long road trip, whoever is fully fronting at the time is basically driving. So, when an alter is frontstuck They're essentially stuck driving that vehicle for however long, and typically it's without breaks. I've been 'driving' us for almost four months now.

That sounds so tiring and dangerous - you might crash into something when you didn't take a break, but yes, there is no breaks in life...
Do you have a plan to CTB in the near future? (If you are not comfortable with sharing, it's okay not to telling.)

I am, I'm deeply in love but everything is too much. But thank you either way for talking to me, and sharing as well. It helped a little knowing we aren't entirely alone. Personally, me as an alter? No I am not. How ever we do have a Catholic alter, I'm sure he'd appreciate the prayers, though we aren't forcing you to.

Thank you again and with love,
-Remus

Thanks, so I want to pray for you. I hope it makes some sense...

Hello, faithful member of @OurDyingSystem,
Though I can't say anything awesome,
I think it is time to make a plea -
He is far more powerful than me.

Please keep them safe from any peril.
Please help them to repel the devil.
I know limitations of my pen -
So may your will be done, amen.

Thanks so much for talking with me. You are making my life more bearable!

I wish all of you the best
LoiteringClouds

(Edit: Please kindly let me know if there's better way to pray.)

 

[OurDyingSystem]

When you select the text in the posts and "Quote/Reply" menu appears. If you choose Reply, the selected text appears on your reply.

Thank you so much, i believe we figured it out now :]

It's so sad because it's basically an alter's death, I guess. Is Janus your friend system's name?

It is, and they bodily go by Michaelis, though Janus is the name of the alter :]

That sounds so tiring and dangerous - you might crash into something when you didn't take a break, but yes, there is no breaks in life...
Do you have a plan to CTB in the near future? (If you are not comfortable with sharing, it's okay not to telling.)

It's exhausting, and honestly it gets to be too much. We've been in a blurry state for a few weeks, and we just want to rest. It got better again for a minute, but for some reason we're back in our rut.
We.. don't know anymore. Gods we're exhausted, it's crippling. But we know that both Janus and his system, and our sister wouldn't handle it. So i guess we're stuck here for now. At least until we can make it seem like we ran away or something.

Thanks, so I want to pray for you. I hope it makes some sense...

Hello, faithful member of @OurDyingSystem,
Though I can't say anything awesome,
I think it is time to make a plea -
He is far more powerful than me.

Please keep them safe from any peril.
Please help them to repel the devil.
I know limitations of my pen -
So may your will be done, amen.

Thanks so much for talking with me. You are making my life more bearable!

I wish all of you the best
LoiteringClouds

Thank you so much, this means a lot to us all.
I'm glad talking to us, even if you were the one doing the comforting, seemed to help. /srs
Also, sorry for the very delayed reply :]

-Remus(?) & Jinx

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello Remus and Jinx,

Thanks for your reply

It is, and they bodily go by Michaelis, though Janus is the name of the alter :]

It's exhausting, and honestly it gets to be too much. We've been in a blurry state for a few weeks, and we just want to rest. It got better again for a minute, but for some reason we're back in our rut.
We.. don't know anymore. Gods we're exhausted, it's crippling. But we know that both Janus and his system, and our sister wouldn't handle it. So i guess we're stuck here for now. At least until we can make it seem like we ran away or something.

Thanks for your clarification, and I'm so sorry for your situation. It reminds me my depressive episode in which I tried partial hanging. I had to keep going no matter how exhausted I am, but it was simply unbearable. So I decided to hang myself to rest (forever.) I didn't complete it and don't remember what happened after the attempt.
I hope you get out of this rut, but I understand if you feel there's no way out other than death. And if you think even death isn't an option, it's really hopeless...

Thank you so much, this means a lot to us all.
I'm glad talking to us, even if you were the one doing the comforting, seemed to help. /srs
Also, sorry for the very delayed reply :]

Thanks for your kind words
And don't be sorry, my reply is a bit late, too.

LoiteringClouds