As a child I was in a fancy school where everyone told me I'm so smart and bright and good person and other bullshit, and I turned out to be the most pathetic failure you've ever seen
In school I didn't have a clue on what I want to major in while all my classmates had pretty elaborate plans to go to the best universities. I graduated relatively well, it was probably the last time I ever felt proud or fulfilled or whatever. I went to one random university to study history of all things (I didn't have any connection to history, it's just one of the humanities degrees you could go to if you suck at STEM subjects, which I did suck in). It was absolutely exhausting, I put all in on surviving through that period, commuting took me 1.5 hours one way, and I was there for 3.5 years. The last year I had death in the family and I realised that I learned nothing, care about nothing, im extremely burned out and anhedonic, and I don't even deserve graduating because I don't give a shit about history. So I snapped. I couldn't do anything. It was a nightmare. I just... didn't go. So I wasted 4 years for nothing. At least I'm not in debt, in my country you can study for free if you did well. Still commute money and food money weren't negligeble.
After that I just didn't do anything for years. I was just emotionally paralyzed. I couldn't accept that after all that promise of a cushy life and happy future I had to work warehouses, lowest tier of retail or even something worse. I was in denial, I still am. I'm a leech. Like, I have a resume gap so big that normal people would probably shudder at the look at it. My father thinks that I'm a vile waste of space. My mother hides it but she is so disappointed it kills her every day.
I've read some stories about turning your life around at 30 or whatever, going to school at 28, 30, 35, 45 etc etc. I don't know if I can do it since getting into college is an incredibly competitve endeavor, and I'm stupider, weaker and less hopeful than when I was 17. Even if I go now, what do I actually want to study? Humanities? I don't care about them and there aren't any jobs unless you are passioante and smart. STEM? I'm too stupid. CS? I'm too stupid AND the market is so competitve a 35 year old loser will never ever be able to compete in this always-worsening job market. Accounting? Chemistry? I'm so scared of wasting another 4 years but I don't have a clue.
It feels like everyone and everything set me up for being worth something, and I ended up being not worth anything at all. I wish I could die in my sleep.
In school I didn't have a clue on what I want to major in while all my classmates had pretty elaborate plans to go to the best universities. I graduated relatively well, it was probably the last time I ever felt proud or fulfilled or whatever. I went to one random university to study history of all things (I didn't have any connection to history, it's just one of the humanities degrees you could go to if you suck at STEM subjects, which I did suck in). It was absolutely exhausting, I put all in on surviving through that period, commuting took me 1.5 hours one way, and I was there for 3.5 years. The last year I had death in the family and I realised that I learned nothing, care about nothing, im extremely burned out and anhedonic, and I don't even deserve graduating because I don't give a shit about history. So I snapped. I couldn't do anything. It was a nightmare. I just... didn't go. So I wasted 4 years for nothing. At least I'm not in debt, in my country you can study for free if you did well. Still commute money and food money weren't negligeble.
After that I just didn't do anything for years. I was just emotionally paralyzed. I couldn't accept that after all that promise of a cushy life and happy future I had to work warehouses, lowest tier of retail or even something worse. I was in denial, I still am. I'm a leech. Like, I have a resume gap so big that normal people would probably shudder at the look at it. My father thinks that I'm a vile waste of space. My mother hides it but she is so disappointed it kills her every day.
I've read some stories about turning your life around at 30 or whatever, going to school at 28, 30, 35, 45 etc etc. I don't know if I can do it since getting into college is an incredibly competitve endeavor, and I'm stupider, weaker and less hopeful than when I was 17. Even if I go now, what do I actually want to study? Humanities? I don't care about them and there aren't any jobs unless you are passioante and smart. STEM? I'm too stupid. CS? I'm too stupid AND the market is so competitve a 35 year old loser will never ever be able to compete in this always-worsening job market. Accounting? Chemistry? I'm so scared of wasting another 4 years but I don't have a clue.
It feels like everyone and everything set me up for being worth something, and I ended up being not worth anything at all. I wish I could die in my sleep.
