I've been petrified to share my story...because if I go anywhere else, any other community, I don't think they'd understand...
Please know, I have tried and tried to get help over a 25 year period without any success...and I am so far past gone...I am just so done.
To the medical community I was too level headed and appeared 'okay' and now they say 'Im too far gone, and that I'm far too complicated to help, that nothing will help'... I don't feel like me at all..I have lost all hope, I'm just a constantly suicidal void. Self destructive majorly and just wanting to die but too depressed to even go and do it.
So please, don't judge, but I felt the need before ctb to share a little of my story...know I've gone to the police repeatedly, and they still refrain from doing anything..despite all the evidence out there.
I began to be SA'ed, penetrated and anally R*ed just before I turned 4yo by the headteacher of my primary school. He told me if I didn't be quiet and let him that he'd do worse to my sister or other siblings... (I tried to get help... I struggled for weeks with bleeding and immense pain... but my mother didn't listen and my father didn't care).
I struggled to cope with it, two or three times a week, and after going to many GP appointments about me becoming ill, my mother wouldn't let them examine or help me...she'd just report anyone who said I was being SA'ed. And it continued, it was one hell of a struggle, between 4-9/10yo.
And everyone practically knew and no one cared really. It's just so horrible to be that small and have to choose every other day that you have to pleasure some sick 6ft, 220 pound individual, and after an hour spend the next two hours trying to clean yourself up. Pry yourself together. Nauseated and sick in the toilet stalls, retching at all the things 'the sickan' made you do.
Then go back to class, after being absent for three hours, red and puffy faced, with kids who would call me ' a boy' and 'a lesbian'. And teachers who knew but we're often too scared to stop him removing me from class to do his will, not mine.
From that first time, the world just became very gray. I had to do so much sick stuff and I don't remember it all because I always had to take this crudely tasting orange squash, when I became a little older, and he wanted to do more sick things. I guess I was his sick play thing... In hindsight, like my mother who'd give me half a bottle of benadryl to allow me to go to school, I was definitely being medicated and spiked in the squash... I hated how limp it made me and spaced me out so it felt like the world was spinning.
During this time, I caught my father getting my younger sister to take nude pictures of him and my mother and who else she could and my heart tore into pieces. I am having to protect her at school, and also from the paedophiles at church by then, and now in my own home. As a 5yo, I called my father out as a paedophile... and so I, who was always hated and mocked as being a slut and slag and 'she that deserves to be raped' had to deal with him strangling me unconscious and kneeling on my small chest, telling me if I didn't stop fighting back he would hurt my mother...in and out of consciousness, having my fingers and toes bent back and broken one by one, saying he'd stop if I learnt to not react. Each time trying to rip off my clothes, and once unconscious tying me up in humiliating and sickening poses. And eventually after three hours, bolting me in a dark room with a mattress on the floor, usually tied to the bookshelf with his own work tie to try and get out of and then go to sleep in the cold dark room with a thin dirty duvet. Only for him to return 1.30-2am in the morning to molest me saying it was because he loved me that he needed to hurt me and do this. Out of love?
So I became mute at school and barely said anything at home, I was locked up alot from 5yo for 756 days in a row, going only to school and church to be abused and then go home to be abused further. And yet I had this hope, stupid hope, that they'd change, and that one day it would stop. That one day they'd understand what was actual love.
But sadly, no. It escalated whenever any of my siblings were unhappy they learnt to hurt me as well, and my mother had alot of resentment, that by my teens, they escalated it to 6hrs and then 9hrs, taking it in turns to hold me down and burn me, mutilate, threaten, harass, shame, take photos, bleach rag down my throat, waterboard, break bones that never healed properly, gave me black eyes, and just commonly beating me senseless that I'd go to high school drenched in my own blood, and where I'd have to try to fix myself up with needle and sewing thread because I wasn't allowed medical attention anymore...teachers being too afraid to go against my family.
I lost my mattress, and my siblings wanted me to sleep outside, especially once I was so sick. I had nowhere to go or turn to. Police believed my family and anytime I tried to get help I also didn't want family to get in trouble in the 'hope' they'd change. I just wanted to be left alone and to be able to go somewhere safe, but safety didn't come.
I was abused in the four months hospital stay by hospital staff in the children's ward and it further destroyed any resembling sense of self or love for myself I had. My family daily tried to get me to kill myself, and when I wouldn't theyd hurt me and isolate me. They had everyone under their control.
A few tried to help in secret over the years to just get me by. Or send me to hospital and back without my parents consent, or patch me up, or give me essentials I didn't have.
But no one properly confronted them and they manipulated police and doctors and others...they controlled everything.
And even trying to leave over a decade ago, it's been a decade of more hell. I tried to make something of myself, I just wanted to help others in medicine. I didn't anyone to go through the world unloved and uncared for.
But after running from country to country their lies and manipulation got me back, and their impressions haunt me to this day..in 2020 they jumped me, promised to kill me and tried to, taking all my ID, possessions, keys, car and so on, and dragging me down three flights of stairs after already being jumped on by my mother and attacked by my sister. I am a pacifist and I also never want them to have ammo to say I hurt them and I'm not built like that... But it was the first time, when my father on top of me saying he would kille and trying to choke me out, where I overpowered him and held him down, and said look, I am not weak, I am stronger than you all but I don't want to hurt you. He said if I didn't kill him, he would kill me. I said just please stop. And got up to get my things before he pulled me back and smashed my head repeatedly with the door.
Long story short, it was one of a thousand too many things. I'd been stabbed and cut by them, had guns pointed at my head since I was 7, had them dislocate and break most things, molest and humiliate me, and after then I had a brain injury and bleed, followed by a stroke and struggled with epilepsy. My memory for current things is terrible, each day having to remember it isn't 2020/2021. I had to learn how to do everything again and again and life is a daily struggle.
The police seem to not be doing or gathering anything that will bring justice. I'm told they have and never will hurt me. And they'd be stupid to hurt me after this. And that I should feel sorry for them for having put such allegations on them...these police are meant to be building a case against them...and time has run out and as soon as they are off bail, I'll be hurt again. They promise to never stop until I'm dead. They want to hurt me in so many explicit and sickly ways and there's no way out.
Now I live in fear and anxiety and depression and it won't shift. The brain damage messed me up and makes life a struggle on top of life limiting AI issues. And I have self destructed and I am not able to even venture out or do anything, nothing but how to ctb and when to ctb is in my mind and the replays of the memories with audio replay in my head. And there is no release.
My GPs also prevented me from working suggesting I was a danger to children and adults because I was abused all my life and therefore can't possibly no how to look after and care for others. So I lost my profession of 13yrs all whilst the police let all my sick abusers continue to all work with children even whilst under investigation.
Where is hope?
Where is justice?
How can I possibly have any normality?
I can't get any help medically, they say my case is too complex, it's the worst case, as it contains a bunch of other things including witnessing m*rder and a tr*fricking ring that used to operate out of my father's old international work.
I was stupid to think there was hope.
To add insult to injury is to have the whole world thinking I'm the aggressor, when I have been trying to get help since I first spoke to the police in 2001 at the age of five.
There's no help coming after all this time.
I just wish my depression would lift enough to get everything in order to just ctb.
I know many have it worse than I but I am too tired of all this.
Sorry for the long message.
Take care everyone.
Please know, I have tried and tried to get help over a 25 year period without any success...and I am so far past gone...I am just so done.
To the medical community I was too level headed and appeared 'okay' and now they say 'Im too far gone, and that I'm far too complicated to help, that nothing will help'... I don't feel like me at all..I have lost all hope, I'm just a constantly suicidal void. Self destructive majorly and just wanting to die but too depressed to even go and do it.
So please, don't judge, but I felt the need before ctb to share a little of my story...know I've gone to the police repeatedly, and they still refrain from doing anything..despite all the evidence out there.
I began to be SA'ed, penetrated and anally R*ed just before I turned 4yo by the headteacher of my primary school. He told me if I didn't be quiet and let him that he'd do worse to my sister or other siblings... (I tried to get help... I struggled for weeks with bleeding and immense pain... but my mother didn't listen and my father didn't care).
I struggled to cope with it, two or three times a week, and after going to many GP appointments about me becoming ill, my mother wouldn't let them examine or help me...she'd just report anyone who said I was being SA'ed. And it continued, it was one hell of a struggle, between 4-9/10yo.
And everyone practically knew and no one cared really. It's just so horrible to be that small and have to choose every other day that you have to pleasure some sick 6ft, 220 pound individual, and after an hour spend the next two hours trying to clean yourself up. Pry yourself together. Nauseated and sick in the toilet stalls, retching at all the things 'the sickan' made you do.
Then go back to class, after being absent for three hours, red and puffy faced, with kids who would call me ' a boy' and 'a lesbian'. And teachers who knew but we're often too scared to stop him removing me from class to do his will, not mine.
From that first time, the world just became very gray. I had to do so much sick stuff and I don't remember it all because I always had to take this crudely tasting orange squash, when I became a little older, and he wanted to do more sick things. I guess I was his sick play thing... In hindsight, like my mother who'd give me half a bottle of benadryl to allow me to go to school, I was definitely being medicated and spiked in the squash... I hated how limp it made me and spaced me out so it felt like the world was spinning.
During this time, I caught my father getting my younger sister to take nude pictures of him and my mother and who else she could and my heart tore into pieces. I am having to protect her at school, and also from the paedophiles at church by then, and now in my own home. As a 5yo, I called my father out as a paedophile... and so I, who was always hated and mocked as being a slut and slag and 'she that deserves to be raped' had to deal with him strangling me unconscious and kneeling on my small chest, telling me if I didn't stop fighting back he would hurt my mother...in and out of consciousness, having my fingers and toes bent back and broken one by one, saying he'd stop if I learnt to not react. Each time trying to rip off my clothes, and once unconscious tying me up in humiliating and sickening poses. And eventually after three hours, bolting me in a dark room with a mattress on the floor, usually tied to the bookshelf with his own work tie to try and get out of and then go to sleep in the cold dark room with a thin dirty duvet. Only for him to return 1.30-2am in the morning to molest me saying it was because he loved me that he needed to hurt me and do this. Out of love?
So I became mute at school and barely said anything at home, I was locked up alot from 5yo for 756 days in a row, going only to school and church to be abused and then go home to be abused further. And yet I had this hope, stupid hope, that they'd change, and that one day it would stop. That one day they'd understand what was actual love.
But sadly, no. It escalated whenever any of my siblings were unhappy they learnt to hurt me as well, and my mother had alot of resentment, that by my teens, they escalated it to 6hrs and then 9hrs, taking it in turns to hold me down and burn me, mutilate, threaten, harass, shame, take photos, bleach rag down my throat, waterboard, break bones that never healed properly, gave me black eyes, and just commonly beating me senseless that I'd go to high school drenched in my own blood, and where I'd have to try to fix myself up with needle and sewing thread because I wasn't allowed medical attention anymore...teachers being too afraid to go against my family.
I lost my mattress, and my siblings wanted me to sleep outside, especially once I was so sick. I had nowhere to go or turn to. Police believed my family and anytime I tried to get help I also didn't want family to get in trouble in the 'hope' they'd change. I just wanted to be left alone and to be able to go somewhere safe, but safety didn't come.
I was abused in the four months hospital stay by hospital staff in the children's ward and it further destroyed any resembling sense of self or love for myself I had. My family daily tried to get me to kill myself, and when I wouldn't theyd hurt me and isolate me. They had everyone under their control.
A few tried to help in secret over the years to just get me by. Or send me to hospital and back without my parents consent, or patch me up, or give me essentials I didn't have.
But no one properly confronted them and they manipulated police and doctors and others...they controlled everything.
And even trying to leave over a decade ago, it's been a decade of more hell. I tried to make something of myself, I just wanted to help others in medicine. I didn't anyone to go through the world unloved and uncared for.
But after running from country to country their lies and manipulation got me back, and their impressions haunt me to this day..in 2020 they jumped me, promised to kill me and tried to, taking all my ID, possessions, keys, car and so on, and dragging me down three flights of stairs after already being jumped on by my mother and attacked by my sister. I am a pacifist and I also never want them to have ammo to say I hurt them and I'm not built like that... But it was the first time, when my father on top of me saying he would kille and trying to choke me out, where I overpowered him and held him down, and said look, I am not weak, I am stronger than you all but I don't want to hurt you. He said if I didn't kill him, he would kill me. I said just please stop. And got up to get my things before he pulled me back and smashed my head repeatedly with the door.
Long story short, it was one of a thousand too many things. I'd been stabbed and cut by them, had guns pointed at my head since I was 7, had them dislocate and break most things, molest and humiliate me, and after then I had a brain injury and bleed, followed by a stroke and struggled with epilepsy. My memory for current things is terrible, each day having to remember it isn't 2020/2021. I had to learn how to do everything again and again and life is a daily struggle.
The police seem to not be doing or gathering anything that will bring justice. I'm told they have and never will hurt me. And they'd be stupid to hurt me after this. And that I should feel sorry for them for having put such allegations on them...these police are meant to be building a case against them...and time has run out and as soon as they are off bail, I'll be hurt again. They promise to never stop until I'm dead. They want to hurt me in so many explicit and sickly ways and there's no way out.
Now I live in fear and anxiety and depression and it won't shift. The brain damage messed me up and makes life a struggle on top of life limiting AI issues. And I have self destructed and I am not able to even venture out or do anything, nothing but how to ctb and when to ctb is in my mind and the replays of the memories with audio replay in my head. And there is no release.
My GPs also prevented me from working suggesting I was a danger to children and adults because I was abused all my life and therefore can't possibly no how to look after and care for others. So I lost my profession of 13yrs all whilst the police let all my sick abusers continue to all work with children even whilst under investigation.
Where is hope?
Where is justice?
How can I possibly have any normality?
I can't get any help medically, they say my case is too complex, it's the worst case, as it contains a bunch of other things including witnessing m*rder and a tr*fricking ring that used to operate out of my father's old international work.
I was stupid to think there was hope.
To add insult to injury is to have the whole world thinking I'm the aggressor, when I have been trying to get help since I first spoke to the police in 2001 at the age of five.
There's no help coming after all this time.
I just wish my depression would lift enough to get everything in order to just ctb.
I know many have it worse than I but I am too tired of all this.
Sorry for the long message.
Take care everyone.
