Discussion 20th in 2 days but today's my last :")

[lifeistryingme2020]

I've had enough.
I thought that maybe, maybe my feelings might change but they haven't. I'm not depressed, I enjoy things and find peace within the chaos but this is not my place anymore. I feel peaceful when I think about the end, happy even.
I know some people believe suicide is selfish or irresponsible, but I feel my time was cherichised, and those who love me will understand, and hopefully accept it. It's not their fault I'm defective. It's been years and yet it lingers, feels like fate. I can't see it any other way.

It's early right now, around 2:30am, the store opens at 7am. I'm going to CTB with a rope, would it be too suspicious to buy alcohol so early? I think that and some seroquel would be calming but I dread the taste of alcohol, nothing tastes worse than puking meds and vodka. I remember for my 15th I was depressed and tried to kill myself too, hopefully the tradition is successful this time. Never tried just a rope.
Anyways,
Thanks for listening!

 

[Sherri]

Hi, I'm sorry you in so much pain. I am too and so as my family here on this site. Seems like you are decided. I know life is hard to bare, if this is the last time we speak I wish you find peace, if you change your mind and decide to stay with us a little longer it's ok too. Where I am from it's not unusual to buy liquor at 7am. I also dread the taste of it so I know how it feels. All the best hun

 

[lifeistryingme2020]

Hi, I'm sorry you in so much pain. I am too and so as my family here on this site. Seems like you are decided. I know life is hard to bare, if this is the last time we speak I wish you find peace, if you change your mind and decide to stay with us a little longer it's ok too. Where I am from it's not unusual to buy liquor at 7am. I also dread the taste of it so I know how it feels. All the best hun

These are the kindest words I've heard in a long time. Thank you so much love. Stay well and lots of hugs...

 

[Sherri]

These are the kindest words I've heard in a long time. Thank you so much love. Stay well and lots of hugs...

No need to thank me, you are a kind soul, we all are, we are just misunderstood as faulty like you mention. If you ever need to talk my Pm is always open ok? Hugs back at you.

 

[summers]

I wish you all the best. Have a safe and peaceful journey. If you need to talk, you can also pm me. I do hope to be able to wish you a happy birthday, but if not, godspeed.

 

[nooo2]

I'm so sorry it's come to this, life is just so shitty I wish we didn't have to do this. But safe travels friend, I'll be 20 in 3 months as well and I'll probably be joining you. ♥

 

[lifeistryingme2020]

update: I fell asleep but I'm going to the store, huff. I feel sluggish. I was trying to close my carotid artery but I was doing it wrong while practicing, although feeling dizzy, I felt like my head was exploding which is a no no. I don't really care though, I'll be fine. I don't know any good spots around me either but I'll find something to work. Blah
Also I feel nauseous for no reason. Although I didn't eat anything yesterday, I don't usually feel so tired.

 

[summers]

update: I fell asleep but I'm going to the store, huff. I feel sluggish. I was trying to close my carotid artery but I was doing it wrong while practicing, although feeling dizzy, I felt like my head was exploding which is a no no. I don't really care though, I'll be fine. I don't know any good spots around me either but I'll find something to work. Blah
Also I feel nauseous for no reason. Although I didn't eat anything yesterday, I don't usually feel so tired.

You are feeling nauseated and tired because you didn't eat anything. Grab a pizza or something and you'll feel better.

 

[lifeistryingme2020]

You are feeling nauseated and tired because you didn't eat anything. Grab a pizza or something and you'll feel better.

I know you're right but I don't even feel hungry. :( Maybe I'll snack on something at least. Never decided on what I thought I'd eat before ctb lol... pizza sounds yummy.

 

[lifeistryingme2020]

Hi guys. So I tried partial hanging with a yellow rope about 3/8ths(?) In thickness, it was 8mm or something. I actually ended up getting the last thicker, rope. It felt uncomfortable buying it but it was no big deal, cashier didn't question me or anything. I'm 20 now and she was a teenager, maybe 18 so maybe that helped.
I was thinking about buying tylenol(I now regret) but didn't because I thought I might get uncomfortably sick and puke. I ended up walking around and waiting time because it was the daytime.
Eventually I found a spot in a forest where I live and attempted for about 10 mins to tie a knot, I eventually got it but it was cold and I'm not nimble. I sat with the rope around me and yanked a few times to test the tightness, I haven't been able to make myself pass out with the carotid artery pressing so it makes more sense in retrospect because I just kept crushing my throat. It felt sore but it wasn't too red from digging in, I have no marks. I tried leaning/kneeling forward but was too scared(???) to whip myself forward. I tried seeing if there were more "impulsive" ways to go by pushing harder or maybe if I ran(?). I don't understand the positions the best I could but it's okay.
I tried it around a tree btw. I felt like a loser because I only managed to strangle myself and now I have a rope sitting in my backpack.
Oh and then I ended up seeing my boyfriend/bestfriend and I asked him to check my phone to see if I got an email and it said " sactioned suicide account deletion pending " because before I was gonna CTB I deleted/deactivated my account.
He looked really sad when he looked at my phone but I didn't realize I had gotten that email because it was charging. Awkward. He didn't say anything but I think he started crying. He knows I've tried to CTB before so I think he just knew something was wrong from " sactioned suicide " but he doesn't know the site exists so I hope that doesn't screw me over. I feel bad but I'm kind of pissy about it because I shouldn't have to feel bad. I wish suicide was socially acceptable so I wouldn't have to die alone. But it's okay I guess. Anyways that's all. Ask away. I wish I was dead. I can't keep overdosing because my livers fucked I think from ODing before.

 

[summers]

@lifeistryingme2020 Happy Birthday! I'm sorry you going through so much at a time when you should be happy and celebrating. I wish you all the best, and that you feel better.

 

[lifeistryingme2020]

@lifeistryingme2020 Happy Birthday! I'm sorry you going through so much at a time when you should be happy and celebrating. I wish you all the best, and that you feel better.

Aw, hugs. Thanks friend. Each birthday is similar but no worries, I always somehow make it through. Maybe 20 will be different. Hope you feel better eventually aswell

 

[the-exit-plan]

birthday.

(happy is optional)

i hope this year is better for you.