Story (20M) I don't deserve to live, AT ALL. (Reasons why included)

[thatworthlessmale04]

I was pretty much doomed ever since I was conceived. I caused both of my parents to marry each other when I was six months in the womb, just so I won't come into the world as a "bastard baby", as my mother puts it. When, almost 21 years later, it turns out that I am indeed still a bastard baby in other terms. In all honesty, I'm planning on dying by the time I'm 23. I feel like that's the right age to do it at; I don't feel that now is the time to do it.

Things have been happening since my birth that is leading up to me doing the CTB method of full-suspension hanging:

1. My father left the family when I was a toddler, and him and my mother are still legally married even though they've not been together after all this time. The marriage is done in domestic terms, but not in legal terms if that makes any sense. On their way to the courthouse to get married, my mother caught a flat tire, which she believes was a warning sign from God not to do it. But she went through with it anyways, only for me. Ever since they separated, she has sent him divorce papers to sign, but he wouldn't do it, even to this day. In turn, my father wasn't active in my upbringing, so in turn, I grew up without any stable male figures (more on that in point #3). Which in turn, leads me to make some really dumb decisions as a male, even today. In turn, he still owes back child support, and it's somewhere in the thousands. It accumulated after him and my mother separated when I was a toddler.

2. I believe it's time for me to mention, I am African-American. I feel like my race has a stigma surrounding us having a large population of males who grew up fatherless, or who didn't know who their dads were. All of my uncles have daddy issues. And all of them didn't grow up in the house with their dads, and only saw their dads sporadically. My father's father was a wife-beater, and he left the family when my father was only 8. He didn't see him again until he was 18, and then the next time in his late twenties. Even my grandmother said that when she visited courthouses, the majority of men who were in there because they owed back child support were black. Which hurts to say the least.

3. As I've mentioned, I grew up with no male figures. My grandfather is a self-pitying man, my uncles all are weak men due to them not having strong male figures themselves, the man that was living with my mother turned out to be a liar and a manipulator, but he helped toughen me up some what when she brought him in when I was 15 years old due to me having horrific attitudes with her.

4. I don't have any siblings (only child situation) nor do I have friends in real life, or online to relate to about my situation. The rest of the people I mentioned above have siblings from their dads who they can relate to about their daddy issues; meanwhile I don't, and therefore I am all alone in my situation. It really does suck, and it makes me believe that I really do deserve to die at a young age.

5. I grew up relatively sheltered, which has impeded my social skills. I exhibited signs of autism before, but I never actually got properly tested for it, so I don't know for sure if I have it or not. But a lot of people get annoyed with me easily, due to some of the antics I do.

I'm planning on sticking out until 2027 (age 23), which is the year I will attempt to go on to glory. But it's been getting harder and harder every single day. Back in June, my grandmother got extremely fed up with the attitudes I've been having towards my mother, since that one specific night I denied a hug from her. And she went slam off on me for the first ever time in my life. She even said swear words. That gave me a wake-up call to how shitty of a person I am. I believe my mother should have just aborted me while she still had the chance. On the days I'm off work, I sleep pretty much all day long, just to simulate what it would be like to be dead. And it's been working, albeit it's been making me feel even more empty inside. I deserve it, however, for the major scumbag I am.

I don't deserve the Jeep my mother helped me to get. I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve to be her son. I don't deserve all the sacrifices she's made for me as a single mother. I don't deserve to be prayed for by her every day. I don't deserve anything from her.

2004-2027 wouldn't look so bad on a gravestone. I might just write in my will to get cremated however. I haven't gotten to that part of my planning stage yet. Patience is key!

 

[timf]

You have done a pretty good job describing the current against which you have had to swim. A black commentator Thomas Sowell has some interesting videos on Youtube that describe how black families were significantly harmed by the social welfare programs that were supposed to help them.

What is being exposed is the degree our character is shaped by the culture in which we live. Integration allowed capable blacks to abandon their communities for suburbia similar to whites with abilities abandoning rural areas like Appalachia. Those of us left behind do not have a healthy culture to help us develop healthy character.

As a result we as individuals resist the slide into a life of drugs and fornication, or we capitulate and become like the weak men you have observed. The weak / strong men contrast I saw illustrated once when Richard Prior described Jim Brown confronting him about his drug use.

Both white and black cultures seem to be spiraling downward into lives of indulgence and other self-destructive paths. Ironically those in suburbia often also find that they are not immune to what they thought they were leaving behind.

It is possible to escape and develop an immunity to a destructive culture. Many use a Christian approach to survive. However, it is possible to use a philosophy like Marcus Aurelius who was a stoic. Although his son was a disappointment.

I can understand how being immersed in the self-indulgent culture of today can make things seem hopeless. However, it is possible to develop character and strength to build a life that transcends what seems hopeless.

 

[gogoprince]

You deserve not only your mother's love, but love in general. You're not a mistake and I'm glad you're here. Thank you for honoring us with your vulnerability sharing your deepest and rawest emotions.

I too assumed I was a mistake my whole life, but in reality we are merely made to feel like mistakes. All human life is precious and you could never do anything, or be anything that would make that untrue.

You have done a pretty good job describing the current against which you have had to swim. A black commentator Thomas Sowell has some interesting videos on Youtube that describe how black families were significantly harmed by the social welfare programs that were supposed to help them.

This comment is full of ignorance masquerading as intelligence. There are studies that suggest that black fathers are, in fact, more involved in their children's lives than white fathers. Black families have historically been the last to be hired, first to be fired, and continue to be discriminated against in criminal justice, housing, the medical system, etc. Social welfare programs, and the people who rely on them because of this systematic discrimination, are made scapegoats during times of economic or cultural crises so that the wealthy may pit the middle class against the working class, white against black, native vs. immigrant, etc.

 

[CatLvr]

I was a single mom. The kids never met their dad -- we were married but he left after our last child was born and the older children weren't even old enough for grade school yet. Anyway, I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt that your mom would tell you:


You DO deserve the Jeep my mother helped me to get. You DO deserve her love. You DO deserve to be her son. You DO deserve all the sacrifices she's made for you as a single mother. You DO deserve to be prayed for by her every day. You DO deserve anything she freely gives you.

Giving yourself 2 years before you ctb is a wise move on your part. It shows smarts. It shows you aren't just thinking about yourself. It shows you are well-grounded and not impulsive. Your mom has done a good job with you.

Might I suggest that you make two plans for the next 24 months. One in which you indulge your every whim and end the time by ctb. The other where you figure out what you enjoy doing and work on an education towards the goal of a job in your area of interest. Every day of the next 24 months tell your mom you love her and you want to be a man she can be proud of. Don't let yourself be lazy more than one day a week. We all need some downtime, but too much makes us complacent and allows us to think less of ourselves. Not good.

Ok, now that you have your two plans worked out, ask yourself which one do you REALLY want people to remember you as -- the lazy bum who did nothing but hurt his mom or the kid who tried as hard as he could and loved his mom?? And also ask yourself what harm is it to be the best version of yourself you can be if you are gonna crb in 2027 anyway?? At least your mom will be able to take comfort in the fact that you were a good man, who loved her and told her so, every single day of what little life he had left. Who knows?? You might actually like that version of yourself enough that you hang around a few years longer. Stranger things have happened, you know.

 

[purelydaft]

What is a weak man like in your mind?

 

[BreakBone2BreakBond]

It's a Sick world that makes one of the most sensitive, self-conscious and articulate Afro-American young men be made to feel that he's unworthy

 

[JustHere1]

Doesn't matter where exactly it comes from, but please give yourself extra compassion. You're only here for as long as you're here. You can't wait for people to change, but you can commit to change for yourself.

If you decide to live longer, try to give yourself joy and remove that which doesn't give joy, such as people you don't want hindering you. If you've received gifts, don't let grease from the factory linger on them, because they aren't there anymore. If you decide to CTB, don't worry about others, just do what you feel like you need. You aren't your sex, your gender, or even your body or past experiences. What you take in, you consume like oxygen, so if you want to breathe freely, take in what you actually need, not what people think you need.

Rooting for you.