Help 20 y/o, New here...looking for safe methods to CTB

[m00nl1ght]

Hey.

I stumbled across this website a few days ago while looking for the best way to CTB. I´m close to my 21th birthday and plan to get it done on this day.

The problem is I had several unsuccessful attempts in the past so I want to find a method which won´t let me suffer for hours and/ or is easy to have access to.

My first attempts included yew, hanging, alcohol poisoning. I didn´t have a plan so I failed.

I then tried to talk to people online about the idea of CO poisoning but this only resulted in police and doctors coming to my house telling me "it´s selfish to use CO", I "should better jump" and there is "nothing that could be done". Earlier this day they ringed on my neighbours doors cause I wasn´t home. When they finally talked to me one police man stood on my balcony and shouted into his radio that I was suicidal, resulting in neighbours staring at us. I was so ashamed.

Two days later I sealed my bathroom and lit a grill. Woke up several hours later with tachycardia.

Was rushed into the hospital at 4AM, meanwhile the alarmed fire fighters ripped out the burnt flooring and woke up my neighbours again. I spent several days in the psychiatric ward.

Since I´m back home I feel like a stranger in my own apartment and totally ashamed cause everyone knows. I just want to die. I have been in therapy for 6 years and nothing changed.

It would be perfect to find someone who is willing to do it with me but unfortunately meeting up isn´t that easy at the moment.

What would you recommend?
(I don´t have a car, any pills or else. But enough money to buy stuff)

 

[faust]

Hello,
I am sorry you are dealing with such issues...
And having no progress in 6 years is a very discouraging thing.
I would suggest you looking there first:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resource-compilation.3/

Or reading a PePH:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/pph-dec-2019.30370/

 

[Squiddy]

I also understand the whole being in therapy a long time and it not working. I've been in therapy for about 7 years and I've made some progress, but not enough. Maybe you could look into SN?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Hello,
I am sorry you are dealing with such issues...
And having no progress in 6 years is a very discouraging thing.
I would suggest you looking there first:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/resource-compilation.3/

Or reading a PePH:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/pph-dec-2019.30370/

I second the Resource Compilation There are also Mega Threads on most of the topics you may want to look at.

 

[Lady black]

Hanging or jumping are the easiest things. But I don´t know why your hanging attempt failed?

 

[m00nl1ght]

Hanging or jumping are the easiest things. But I don´t know why your hanging attempt failed?

My boyfriend came home earlier than expected. It was partial hanging so I quit before he noticed

 

[Lady black]

So you had luck. You should try full suspension at a place you are not disturbed for 1-2 hours (just to be safe no one can bring you back to life, I read this is in some cases possible for about half an hour.

 

[Mm80]

Hey.

I stumbled across this website a few days ago while looking for the best way to CTB. I´m close to my 21th birthday and plan to get it done on this day.

The problem is I had several unsuccessful attempts in the past so I want to find a method which won´t let me suffer for hours and/ or is easy to have access to.

My first attempts included yew, hanging, alcohol poisoning. I didn´t have a plan so I failed.

I then tried to talk to people online about the idea of CO poisoning but this only resulted in police and doctors coming to my house telling me "it´s selfish to use CO", I "should better jump" and there is "nothing that could be done". Earlier this day they ringed on my neighbours doors cause I wasn´t home. When they finally talked to me one police man stood on my balcony and shouted into his radio that I was suicidal, resulting in neighbours staring at us. I was so ashamed.

Two days later I sealed my bathroom and lit a grill. Woke up several hours later with tachycardia.

Was rushed into the hospital at 4AM, meanwhile the alarmed fire fighters ripped out the burnt flooring and woke up my neighbours again. I spent several days in the psychiatric ward.

Since I´m back home I feel like a stranger in my own apartment and totally ashamed cause everyone knows. I just want to die. I have been in therapy for 6 years and nothing changed.

It would be perfect to find someone who is willing to do it with me but unfortunately meeting up isn´t that easy at the moment.

What would you recommend?
(I don´t have a car, any pills or else. But enough money to buy stuff)

Hello moonlight and welcome to the forum.
You seemed very rushed so it might well be worth reading the resorces that faust kindly shared. These decisions are huge and need to be thought through thoroughly .im sorry your having it tough and ypu wont be alone here.
Im amazed to read that police and docs reccomended jumping instead of co2. Thats fucking crazy and icompetent at least.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Hey there, I'm 21 myself, my birthday was last Sunday. I wish I could've ended it then but I guess it's not the right time for me. You should definitely check out the Resources section, you will find a lot of useful information. I think you should consider SN or N if you have money to buy it, those would be my main methods. If neither of them were accessible to me, I would go with partial suspension hanging. I'm sorry you had that horrible experience with the police and you felt ashamed, it's not your fault. Remember that one day, these neighbours will forget you, I know it's easy to say but it will make you feel a little less ashamed. I want to die as well but I'm just waiting, I understand how therapy didn't change anything. I always knew it won't help me. Please be careful with failed attempts, you don't want to get brain damage or health problems which would make you suffer even more, so it's best to go with a method which has no chance of failing. I wish you luck and peace.

 

[Thinking Beyond]

Whatever you do choose a peaceful method. N, SN and F would be my methods of choice.

 

[m00nl1ght]

Hey there, I'm 21 myself, my birthday was last Sunday. I wish I could've ended it then but I guess it's not the right time for me. You should definitely check out the Resources section, you will find a lot of useful information. I think you should consider SN or N if you have money to buy it, those would be my main methods. If neither of them were accessible to me, I would go with partial suspension hanging. I'm sorry you had that horrible experience with the police and you felt ashamed, it's not your fault. Remember that one day, these neighbours will forget you, I know it's easy to say but it will make you feel a little less ashamed. I want to die as well but I'm just waiting, I understand how therapy didn't change anything. I always knew it won't help me. Please be careful with failed attempts, you don't want to get brain damage or health problems which would make you suffer even more, so it's best to go with a method which has no chance of failing. I wish you luck and peace.

Thanks for your kind reply. I´d like to buy SN or N but my dad is monitoring my bank account, he would know I bought something unusual and would be alarmed since he´s a police officer and knows what I´m currently going through (pretty much the worst job he could have...don´t have access to his gun btw)
Yes the police officer at my house sucked. On top of that my neighbours included my ex boyfriend and his friends so that´s what makes it even more shameful. I´m now known as the crazy ex girlfriend... and even though this whole incident was in september I can´t get over it. Of course there are a lot of other things that happened. But I know I won´t be able to CTB at home without anyone noticing. Or post something without VPN cause my ex boyfriend would immediately alarm the police. He found every post of mine about CO back then, there were completely anonymous.

As you can see it´s pretty difficult. I also thought about jumping but the highest easily accessible building in my town is only 25m. I don´t know what method to choose...at all. I´ll read the resources tomorrow and maybe I´ll find out...

 

[sadgirl2002]

Thanks for your kind reply. I´d like to buy SN or N but my dad is monitoring my bank account, he would know I bought something unusual and would be alarmed since he´s a police officer and knows what I´m currently going through (pretty much the worst job he could have...don´t have access to his gun btw)
Yes the police officer at my house sucked. On top of that my neighbours included my ex boyfriend and his friends so that´s what makes it even more shameful. I´m now known as the crazy ex girlfriend... and even though this whole incident was in september I can´t get over it. Of course there are a lot of other things that happened. But I know I won´t be able to CTB at home without anyone noticing. Or post something without VPN cause my ex boyfriend would immediately alarm the police. He found every post of mine about CO back then, there were completely anonymous.

As you can see it´s pretty difficult. I also thought about jumping but the highest easily accessible building in my town is only 25m. I don´t know what method to choose...at all. I´ll read the resources tomorrow and maybe I´ll find out...

You're welcome, I think SN is cheaper than N so you may be able to get away with it. You're turning 21 soon, your father shouldn't be monitoring your bank account. Do you think you would be able to withdraw money somehow? You could lie your way out of it. I'm sorry you're going through a lot. I can see now why you would've felt ashamed, I'm sorry you had to go through that. Do you think you will be able to CTB elsewhere other than your home? I can't see why your ex-boyfriend should be doing any of that. I wouldn't recommend jumping, there's a potential of failure and SI can also kick in. I hope you will be able to go through with it. I know that when you're about to CTB, all of your worries will fade away.