2 month update

[HereToday]

Hey everyone. It's been just under 2 months since I decided to give life another shot. This is an update for anyone who might be interested.

I had planned to do something meaningful with my life and go volunteer in the amazon rainforest, but couldn't due to my health. So I've been sorting that out first. I'm a month away from being a physically healthy person- long story short need to remove my thyroid. Also have issues with my white blood cells committing suicide (ironic), so very prone to infections etc. This should also be resolved soon. Once I'm physically healthy I will be revisiting the rainforest idea.

What have I been doing? Well, not much. I quit uni after my suicide attempt in November, and couldn't work due to my health issues, so I've been filling my days with Netflix and long walks. I've also become very into healthy eating, which is new to me. Once my white blood cells are up I want to volunteer at a local homeless shelter.

How am I feeling? Fine. Not good, not bad. Just fine. Existing.

Do I still think about suicide? Sometimes. Not often though. When things go wrong I immediately think 'oh well, if things get really unbearable I'll just kill myself' which is also kinda liberating way.
Maybe twice a month I think about the fact that I'm going to die of suicide one day. Nothing triggers this feeling, I've always known and accepted from a young age that I would kill myself eventually. But I don't feel the need to act on it right now. I'm ok with waiting it out and seeing where life takes me.
Since choosing recovery, I've only had 2 times where I thought 'why the fuck am I doing this, I should just kill myself already'... But I was able to lift myself out of that mindset within a day or two. I'm really trying.

I'm having a nose job next week, which I've wanted for over a decade. My nose is a huge source of my insecurities and self hatred. I've even had strangers come up to me on the street to talk shit about my nose... I hate this thing. Excited to finally get it fixed.
I'm also meeting my fave band at their show in May. Looking forward to that.

I feel a little lost and without direction in life, but it doesn't depress me or make me suicidal. So that's something.

I wish I had a super positive and inspirational recovery story for you all, but this is all I've got for now. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask.

Sending all the love in the world to anyone reading this

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I've even had strangers come up to me on the street to talk shit about my nose...

Where do you live that this sort of bullshit is excusable?!
Like, my own mouth is fucked up. I'd post a pic, but I'd need to edit metadata out and I don't have the tools or knowledge for it. Too lazy to learn right now.
Point is, if somebody talks shit of the remaining half of a mouth I still have, they're asking for a surprise meal of some fresh Ukrainian fist, followed by a gourmet Ukrainian dick.
The fuck kind of a person just walks up to some rando and starts talking shit?!

 

[Jean4]

It is positive!! You are still here and your SI has decreased, and you are functioning.

To me, you are a huge success. Congratulations and thank you so much for sharing! Keep us up to date and you are an inspiration.

 

[HereToday]

Point is, if somebody talks shit of the remaining half of a mouth I still have, they're asking for a surprise meal of some fresh Ukrainian fist, followed by a gourmet Ukrainian dick.

Haha this actually made me laugh! It's happened to me at least 7 or 8 times. Always by men (I'm female), always unprovoked. Humans suck. This is why I love animals so much, they're cute and loyal and don't care what shape your nose is! Lol. I'm really looking forward to having a 'normal' nose though, I think that will get my confidence up

It is positive!! You are still here and your SI has decreased, and you are functioning.

To me, you are a huge success. Congratulations and thank you so much for sharing! Keep us up to date and you are an inspiration.

Thank you so much for all your kindness and encouragement, it means a lot. Hope you're doing well, wishing you the best

 

[MysticPerception]

I'm so glad to hear you're still doing okay. I didn't think I would see you around again for a long time if at all to be honest. I'm happy to hear you want to help others and actually have a real goal to work towards. Hopefully changing your nose goes well. Good luck and stay strong .

 

[HereToday]

I'm so glad to hear you're still doing okay. I didn't think I would see you around again for a long time if at all to be honest. I'm happy to hear you want to help others and actually have a real goal to work towards. Hopefully changing your nose goes well. Good luck and stay strong .

I'm so happy to see you're still here!!! I didn't think you would be. Tbh I was worried of coming on here and everyone I knew being gone already, so I didn't even check. After reading your last thread, I'm so incredibly happy that you're still here and have decided to stay. Everything happens for a reason, clearly this world isn't ready to let you go yet. I hope life is being kinder to you, and wish you all the best in your path to recovery
I'm still working on finding my purpose in life. I think once I find that, everything else will fall into place. I've always been drawn to volunteering and helping others and animals, so that's what I'll be dedicating my life to as soon as I'm healthy enough to do so. As an added bonus, no one cares what you look like or what brand your clothes are when you're volunteering in the amazon rainforest lol. This society just isn't for me

 

[HopeDiesLast]

How am I feeling? Fine. Not good, not bad. Just fine. Existing.

Thank you so much for the update!

Feeling "fine" is pretty darn good considering where you were just a few short months ago!!

And it sounds like you're doing WAY more than just "existing"! You have made some positive life style changes, you're taking care of your health, you have hopes and plans for the future, and you have things you're actually looking forward to. A few months ago the only thing you seemed to be looking forward to was catching the bus...and your only ambition was figuring out a way to make SN more palatable.

You've come such a long way, and you ARE an inspiration! I wish you the best for your continued journey!

 

[HereToday]

Thank you so much for the update!

Feeling "fine" is pretty darn good considering where you were just a few short months ago!!

And it sounds like you're doing WAY more than just "existing"! You have made some positive life style changes, you're taking care of your health, you have hopes and plans for the future, and you have things you're actually looking forward to. A few months ago the only thing you seemed to be looking forward to was catching the bus...and your only ambition was figuring out a way to make SN more palatable.

You've come such a long way, and you ARE an inspiration! I wish you the best for your continued journey!

Wow thank you so much for this kind comment, it means so much more than you know. I guess I've always been a glass half full person and I only see how far I still have to go, rather than how far I've already come. And I've certainly come far for someone who couldn't find a single reason to stay only a few months ago. Thank you for helping me see that. Recovery is definitely a long process, but I'm slowly making progress.

I sometimes wonder what the point in recovery is, if I don't know how long it will last. But maybe that's the beauty of it, it can last as long or as little as I want it to. For now I have things I'm excited about and looking forward to, which is all I can ask for.
When I'm healthy enough, volunteering on the other side of the world will definitely be my next step. Maybe that will give me the sense of belonging that I'm looking for. I would hate to leave this planet without feeling like I made a difference in some way. And hey maybe after that I'll revisit the 'going to singing school and living my dream' idea, I just don't feel ready for that yet.

Thank you so much for all your support, I can't even express how thankful I am for people like you. I can only hope life shows you all the love you deserve

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

I'm so happy to see you're doing better!

One of the advantages of having a recovery period like this is that you can finally attend to physical health. You might find that you do start to lift up a bit more as they tinker with your thyroid levels.

Maybe there's a volunteer opportunity that's close by that you could start with. My group always looks for folks with a track record of helping other organizations, so you could think of it as a step on the way to your final destination.

I just can't express how pleased I am to see that you're doing well. The other day I heard someone say that we're all confusing satisfaction with happiness. That we needn't feel happy every day, just satisfied that we've lived one more day and that another one is coming.

Wishing you lots of love and continued care!

 

[Myforevercharlie]

What a great story! I hope you succeed in everything you do!