2 arms, 1 head - a profound suicide note

[thejumper]

I recently stumbled upon a book-length suicide note by an aspiring philosopher named Clayton Atreus who became paraplegic after a motorcycle accident and committed suicide about 2 years later.

Even though Clayton talks about the extreme difficulties that paraplegia inevitably causes and thus deems life with paraplegia not worth living in his specific case, his thoughts and deep analysis can be applied to ordinary able-bodied people, too. Long story short, his notes may help you come to terms with death much more easily. I definitely recommend giving it a read if you can.

I should warn you in advance that the book contains very disturbing details about paraplegia and life in general. It might send you down the spiral of a full blown existential gloom if you are in a worse state of mind than most of others in this forum. He's being brutally honest in topics that the majority find appalling, so viewer discretion is definitely advised.

You can read the book online here: https://www.2arms1head.com/

 

[a_depressed_lizard]

I read it a while ago and it was fascinating, its nice to hear someone else talk about how good it is. His thoughts about life were fascinating to read and made me consider stuff I never would've before, I hope more people are able to read it.

 

[Foreverix]

I read a lot of it earlier and it was a good read. It will be particularly helpful to those on this board that are disabled.

The note on the website is from a while back, like 2008. He penned it under the name Clayton Atreus, but his legal name was Clayton Schwartz. Obituary is here: https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/newstimes/name/clayton-schwartz-obituary?id=24225433

Message board with all of Clayton's messages leading up to his accident and the aftermath: https://www.advrider.com/f/threads/seattle-to-argentina-on-a-klr650.136505/

 

[lachrymost]

I read this a while ago, when it was discussed here before. Not the whole thing, but a lot. It has really stuck with me. Absolutely horrifying and nightmarish beyond belief. The whole thing had my heart going crazy, and then the ending...

I related to this part (the hopelessness, despair, and incredulity):

But I was wanting to say more about Frankl's book. He says "In psychiatry there is a certain condition known as 'delusion of reprieve'. The condemned man, immediately before his execution, gets the illusion that he might be reprieved at the very last minute." This struck me because it captures something I have felt many times. It's a sort of disbelief concerning my condition. At certain moments my mind might become occupied with something or other and then in a flash I am aware of my condition and simultaneously in a state of utter incredulity concerning it, as if it simply cannot be real. "I really am just two arms and a head attached to a corpse, forever? I will never be who I was again, ever? This is my life forever??" I believe I understand precisely what those prisoners experienced because I have felt it over and over. "They are going to kill me? I'm going to die now? Die??" The facts of the situation are so unthinkable that they just don't register and therefore simply cannot be true. This might have a lot to do with what I see going on with many others in my condition whose minds bear the marks of intense trauma and delusion. This sense of disbelief, of the impossibility of the situation, becomes protracted, stretched out, so that it causes their minds to become almost catatonically fixated on certain ideas without which they would come completely apart psychologically. La Rochefoucauld says we can stare directly at neither death nor the sun. It seems that few can stare directly at paraplegia. They are not disabled. They are still the same. They can do
anything.

 

[lopsidedcrawdad1]

I recently stumbled upon a book-length suicide note by an aspiring philosopher named Clayton Atreus who became paraplegic after a motorcycle accident and committed suicide about 2 years later.

Even though Clayton talks about the extreme difficulties that paraplegia inevitably causes and thus deems life with paraplegia not worth living in his specific case, his thoughts and deep analysis can be applied to ordinary able-bodied people, too. Long story short, his notes may help you come to terms with death much more easily. I definitely recommend giving it a read if you can.

I should warn you in advance that the book contains very disturbing details about paraplegia and life in general. It might send you down the spiral of a full blown existential gloom if you are in a worse state of mind than most of others in this forum. He's being brutally honest in topics that the majority find appalling, so viewer discretion is definitely advised.

You can read the book online here: https://www.2arms1head.com/

Thank you for sharing this!

 

[GMOpNsOTW9J]

Hi,

I specifically registered to reply to this thread.

I'm quadriplegic myself. That means I'm physically slightly worse off than he was. I can't move my hands for example.

I read this text last year and it affected me deeply. I was shook. I was outside in the city the day after I read it. And I felt like a ghost existing among living people. I looked at the people around me and couldn't understand how they are able to go about their day.

He described the life of a paralyzed person pretty accurately. And I admire that he wrote so rationally and precise about his thought process and the conclusion he came to.

In the book he advocates for putting all living heads down. That was quite harsh. But in it his defense, as I understand the book was never intended to be published. Also he was rightfully upset with thecommunity of handicapped people. Because they always grin and bear with it. That won't make things better.