Venting 1st time getting called out for sh

[tuyu]

I've always sh myself since young to punish myself for being dumb and making stupid mistakes, like biting and punching walls. Now many years down the line I just scratch myself as a form of release for anything intense. Although my psychologist recommends against it because by doing as such I'm not training myself to "endure" the emotional stressors, it feels damn fckin good esp to see blood being drawn.

Despite having searches for months I just got called out for it today by a friend but they are so pro life I can't stand it ngl. Like just let me want to kms in peace ok. I don't get why keep telling me to try to change things I literally have told myself to try for more than 20 fckin years but I still arrive at the same conclusion that life is a stupid burden and chore and I hate having to worry about bills and money and survival. The most at peace I ever felt was when I ODed by accident and really wished I was dead but I got revived unfortunately…

 

[Viranamari]

It's horrible that your friend called out to you for your opinion on CTB. I believe CTB is a personal opinion, and the number of pro-lifers in this world is devastating. Some people find the world a wonderful place and force their beliefs on others. Those types of people are absolutely disgusting so don't take their words to heart. I agree that life is a boring chore and CTB is definitely not a coward's way out. In fact, people who attempted to do so were courageous enough to overcome their survival instinct. Anyways, I hope you get a better friend.

 

[tuyu]

Oh and just a random thought that popped up to my head.

Why can't it be like religion where if I say I'm an aethist you jolly well just respect that instead of throwing down your beliefs of God down my throat?

And as someone who believes and chooses to ctb for myself, I'm not saying that everyone else should go do it either… it's a personal choice and I think it should be respected rather than "oh try to have a more positive mindset" sheesh

It's horrible that your friend called out to you for your opinion on CTB. I believe CTB is a personal opinion, and the number of pro-lifers in this world is devastating. Some people find the world a wonderful place and force their beliefs on others. Those types of people are absolutely disgusting so don't take their words to heart. I agree that life is a boring chore and CTB is definitely not a coward's way out. In fact, people who attempted to do so were courageous enough to overcome their survival instinct. Anyways, I hope you get a better friend.

Their sibling had ctb so maybe that's why they are against it. But basically my pov is what I just vented on here again …

 

[dimstar]

I under understand where your coming from. Therapy just feels like a blackhole sucking money, time and energy. I've always felt my anxiety increase, I know it works for some and hope you can find help through it. My sh journey started young and keeps evolving in my 20s. Blood tears feel like my only(& favorite) release sometimes. I keep it well hidden but when I've tried talking with friends it's never gone well. They dont understand how much worse it could be or what I want it to be atleast(6 feet under). Takes alot of self control to stay where were at and keep a functioning life. From one stranger to another on a similar road I'm proud of all the effort you must be putting in to stay above water.

 

[Viranamari]

Oh and just a random thought that popped up to my head.

Why can't it be like religion where if I say I'm an aethist you jolly well just respect that instead of throwing down your beliefs of God down my throat?

And as someone who believes and chooses to ctb for myself, I'm not saying that everyone else should go do it either… it's a personal choice and I think it should be respected rather than "oh try to have a more positive mindset" sheesh

Their sibling had ctb so maybe that's why they are against it. But basically my pov is what I just vented on here again …

That explains. Being a loved one of a person who has CTB is never easy. But even so, they should never have forced their beliefs on you as concerned as they are for you.
"Why can't it be like religion where if I say I'm an aethist you jolly well just respect that instead of throwing down your beliefs of God down my throat?" Yeah, I understand that. Some people are overly religious. They believe if something bad happens, just believe in Jesus and everything will be okay. It's best to just ignore people like them.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, tuyu. It sucks that your friend isn't able to understand where you're at right now or what you need. And it also sucks that you're being harassed by people who don't understand why you can't just adopt a more positive mindset and 'try to be better'. I don't know a lot of situations where that kind of judgment and pressure has actually made things better for anyone.

Being honest, while everyone has to deal with some degree of emotional stress in their lives, you shouldn't have to 'endure' the kinds of intense stressors that you experience. You shouldn't have these kinds of stressors at all, and asking you to find ways to suck it up and endure them instead of trying to ease them or tackle them at the source just sends the message that it's your problem and you have to deal with it. That doesn't help. You weren't put here to be a psychological juggernaut who can just tank everything that comes your way. And while I acknowledge that the stressors are there and need to be dealt with one way or another, people are supposed to help each other get through their stressors and problems, not expect them to toughen up.

At the end of the day though, your psychologist has a point, and so does your friend. Taken in a vacuum, sh isn't good for you, and you should avoid it if you can. But that perspective doesn't take into account what you may need right now, or the other emotions and impulses that the sh behavior may be keeping at bay. Ultimately, you need to do what you have to in order to cope with all the stressors you have to deal with right now, and consider healthier alternatives only when you are in a position to actually do so without slipping down into a worse place.

Just try to be aware of the thought processes and reasons behind it. If you must sh, do it because it makes you feel better, because it releases the endorphins that you need and gives your brain something to focus on. Don't do it as a punishment, or because you're dumb or for making stupid mistakes. You're human, and you're suffering. You have every right to make stupid mistakes. You're doing your best to cope with a painful existence, using the tools you have available at the time, and nobody has any right to judge you harshly for it. Hurt yourself to feel better. Don't hurt yourself for that.

 

[tuyu]

Hey there, tuyu. It sucks that your friend isn't able to understand where you're at right now or what you need. And it also sucks that you're being harassed by people who don't understand why you can't just adopt a more positive mindset and 'try to be better'. I don't know a lot of situations where that kind of judgment and pressure has actually made things better for anyone.

Being honest, while everyone has to deal with some degree of emotional stress in their lives, you shouldn't have to 'endure' the kinds of intense stressors that you experience. You shouldn't have these kinds of stressors at all, and asking you to find ways to suck it up and endure them instead of trying to ease them or tackle them at the source just sends the message that it's your problem and you have to deal with it. That doesn't help. You weren't put here to be a psychological juggernaut who can just tank everything that comes your way. And while I acknowledge that the stressors are there and need to be dealt with one way or another, people are supposed to help each other get through their stressors and problems, not expect them to toughen up.

At the end of the day though, your psychologist has a point, and so does your friend. Taken in a vacuum, sh isn't good for you, and you should avoid it if you can. But that perspective doesn't take into account what you may need right now, or the other emotions and impulses that the sh behavior may be keeping at bay. Ultimately, you need to do what you have to in order to cope with all the stressors you have to deal with right now, and consider healthier alternatives only when you are in a position to actually do so without slipping down into a worse place.

Just try to be aware of the thought processes and reasons behind it. If you must sh, do it because it makes you feel better, because it releases the endorphins that you need and gives your brain something to focus on. Don't do it as a punishment, or because you're dumb or for making stupid mistakes. You're human, and you're suffering. You have every right to make stupid mistakes. You're doing your best to cope with a painful existence, using the tools you have available at the time, and nobody has any right to judge you harshly for it. Hurt yourself to feel better. Don't hurt yourself for that.

My friend's pov is that everyone is dealing with the same stressors anyway in terms of finances and staying alive, so if my way to deal with it is sh and planning to ctb (but they aren't — so they questioned me and asked "WHY DO YOU THINK LIKE THIS THEN??!"), then everyone else should do it too. Well it's the same line as what everyone around me like "family" always say to me, just suck it up and deal with it because everyone is doing it anyway. I think my line of reasoning is, why should I do it just because everyone else is doing it?

I get that it comes from a well intentioned place but maaaaan, I really dread being alive and was actually so happy and at peace when I thought I was dead (finally I don't have to worry about one million and one things about work and studies and money). I feel so constantly stressed about trying to keep up with everything and I feel the moment when I decompress I'm going to get behind everyone else and start losing in life.

Also, I think my line of thinking is that….. death is just a way to lower the population. If life is about the survival of the fittest, why is removing myself from the equation earlier "bad"?

Sometimes when I dwell about this again I can't help but feel mad, because as a family member of someone who has already ctb-ed, they should understand better right? That the person who ctb-ed just did what they felt was best at that time… and if anything they are finally free from whatever haunts them.

 

[tuyu]

Now I'm getting sent toxic positivity shit ugh. I don't get why "normies" don't fucking understand that this is the thing you do not do to someone who is openly depressed. I feel like just responding with some internet list of THINGS YOU DO NOT DO OR SAY TO SOMEONE WHO IS DEPRESSED.

Like don't send me shit that life is sunshine and rainbows.

I respect your decision to live. Please respect my decision to want to die.

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot stand pro lifers and their toxic positivity as well. It's just so insensitive to force that onto other people, it disgusts me how so many in this world are against the right to die. I think the reality is that the pro life people are in denial, they just don't want to accept the fact that suicide is a perfectly logical option to prevent all meaningless suffering and unnecessary problems. We are all just destined to die anyway, so people should be able to take control over when they die.