Venting 119lbs today

[Darkmoon Queen]

So I have a past of what I'd say is atypical anorexia. I had all the symptoms but I never actually got underweight for my height (until I got chronically ill but that doesn't count). I never wanted to be as thin as possible, being hot was of paramount importance to me. That's why I was never anorexia nervosa. But my diet was.. restricted for over ten years. It was part of how I managed my mental pain. People admire you when you're thin, as if you have Godlike willpower. They'll still shit on you eventually but the buffer was nice.

Well, my chronic illness and a controlling relationship later and I went up to 10 stones (140lbs). I hated myself. And I fully believed I could no longer lose weight because my illness is hormone related. I tried exercising strenuously every day for months until I was a sweaty pile and I never lost a pound. I got firmer but it was like my fat had just gotten harder and it pissed me off so I stopped.

Since the pandemic, I've been on my own. I cleaned up my diet and in today, I'm back to 8 and a half stones (119lbs). In my heyday, I hovered around 115lbs but I set myself the goal of 119lbs and now I'm there.. I just feel so whatever about it.

I think the strange thing is that back then, I'd admire myself in the mirror and think I was really hot shit and now I don't even feel that thin anymore. I feel like the scale must be wrong or.. ...or maybe I was just never that hot? Nah, I was, people responded to me. But my old jeans are still too tight for my liking. Were they always this tight? Can't have been. How did I ever admire this shit.

I've just achieved what, to me, was EVERYTHING... and I really do feel nothing. I thought getting thin again, I might get my personality back pre-illness. But I just feel dead inside and I don't fucking care.

And this is what my version of suicidality is. Working towards things, achieving them and finding that the prize wasn't enough to keep me afloat.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Wow, this really resonated with me. I've had eating issues since I was a kid and have always resented being (a bit) overweight after puberty. Things got a bit out of hand after high school and I gained a LOT of weight. My eating habits kinda got more fucked up. I couldn't stand to look at myself, it became part of why I hated myself.

Then a few years back I guess I had a breakdown of sorts and developed horrible health-related anxiety. Lost an excessive amount of weight but I didn't care, I was finally getting to a normal weight again. It didn't change how I felt about myself, not really. Then my depression got significantly worse and I wasn't really eating at all. I lost more weight, was rapidly approaching a "healthy" weight but still didn't care. I looked how I wanted to look, I could wear the cute crop tops and outfits I always wanted to wear.

And after hating myself for years due to my weight and whatnot, you know what losing all of that weight and looking how I "desired" made me feel? I felt nothing, still felt the same self-hatred, shame, etc like I did when I was fat. So similar to how you described in your post.

I'm blabbing but I guess I want you to know that you're not alone. To have such things mean nothing…. :| It's disheartening and honestly kinda painful.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I think to have these things is a band-aid but.. once you realise the band-aid isn't enough and you're still bleeding everywhere, it gets very difficult to think, "yay I have a band-aid".

I think... back then, I fooled myself that people wanting to fuck me was them caring about me. And after twenty years of non-stop abusive people I've realised I don't actually want to attract people to me anymore. I'm scared. I can't do it again.

 

[Celerity]

I won't pretend to relate to your eating disorder, but I know exactly what that feeling is like when you've worked hard toward something for a long time, years even, and you find out the prize ain't shit and that your life still sucks. That disappointment helped crush me 5 years ago now. I'm not sure if the lack of hope left in the wake of that abandoned goal is a terrible impediment to living a decent life or in fact a realistic perception of what life can (and can't) offer me.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I won't pretend to relate to your eating disorder, but I know exactly what that feeling is like when you've worked hard toward something for a long time, years even, and you find out the prize ain't shit and that your life still sucks. That disappointment helped crush me 5 years ago now. I'm not sure if the lack of hope left in the wake of that abandoned goal is a terrible impediment to living a decent life or in fact a realistic perception of what life can (and can't) offer me.

I think there comes a point where there's a little too much realism... we all need our version of anaesthetic and anyone who says otherwise is ignorant or lying.

 

[Celerity]

I think there comes a point where there's a little too much realism... we all need our version of anaesthetic and anyone who says otherwise is ignorant or lying.

Well, for me, my primary anaesthetics are booze and escapism through books, movies, and video games at the moment. I don't know if I will ever find anything out there in the actual world upon which to rest my hopes again. Sounds really edgy and dramatic (TM) to type that out, but that's really the best way I can put it.

I am an atheist. I am well aware of most of my faults, though I'm sure there are even more I look past. I don't trust people, which is all well and good because they don't seem to like me all that much, so win-win. I see no hope for positive change in the US's political system.

All in all, the best I feel like I can hope for is to develop more hobbies, earn a decent enough living to provide for my needs, and help out my parents in their old age before they pass and free me from my strongest obligation to live. If I get tired of this shit after that, well, I can thank the lack of gun control where I live for a swift exit. If I actually succeed to get into the healthcare field (bleak AF in its own right), maybe I'll find a less violent solution that's just as swift and even more foolproof.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

Well, for me, my primary anaesthetics are booze and escapism through books, movies, and video games at the moment. I don't know if I will ever find anything out there in the actual world upon which to rest my hopes again. Sounds really edgy and dramatic (TM) to type that out, but that's really the best way I can put it.

I am an atheist. I am well aware of most of my faults, though I'm sure there are even more I look past. I don't trust people, which is all well and good because they don't seem to like me all that much, so win-win. I see no hope for positive change in the US's political system.

All in all, the best I feel like I can hope for is to develop more hobbies, earn a decent enough living to provide for my needs, and help out my parents in their old age before they pass and free me from my strongest obligation to live. If I get tired of this shit after that, well, I can thank the lack of gun control where I live for a swift exit. If I actually succeed to get into the healthcare field (bleak AF in its own right), maybe I'll find a less violent solution that's just as swift and even more foolproof.

I think we all sound edgy, hah. My escapes were starving, clothes and 'love'. And.. I've lost those so I'm in a really fucking bad place.

Apart from the US politics bit (I'm in UK), you're singing my song. But.. hobbies and shit don't make me feel any better. I just.. don't want to do this.

 

[Celerity]

I think we all sound edgy, hah. My escapes were starving, clothes and 'love'. And.. I've lost those so I'm in a really fucking bad place.

Apart from the US politics bit (I'm in UK), you're singing my song. But.. hobbies and shit don't make me feel any better. I just.. don't want to do this.

I've been there. Hobbies are helping right now. I don't know if/when they'll stop working again. I love losing myself in stories. The whole world falls away. Booze can help get me there, but it is increasingly unreliable, and I am wary of exacerbating my long term use. It's not practical to drink as I used to. I am running out of Seroquel, which has its own very significant drawbacks. I hit that though when my emotions reach a crescendo I can't control, but I'm running out and don't have insurance anymore.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

I've been there. Hobbies are helping right now. I don't know if/when they'll stop working again. I love losing myself in stories. The whole world falls away. Booze can help get me there, but it is increasingly unreliable, and I am wary of exacerbating my long term use. It's not practical to drink as I used to. I am running out of Seroquel, which has its own very significant drawbacks. I hit that though when my emotions reach a crescendo I can't control, but I'm running out and don't have insurance anymore.

I can't do anything involving substances. Way too much of a pussy.

I'm tee total because 1) I saw my mum and grandad drink too much and hated what it did and 2) I discovered I'm allergic to alcohol anyway. The irony.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

That sounds like a healthy weight. Why not just congratulate yourself for a) being in good shape and b) having evolved to the point of not really caring all that much? You've likely grown as a person if this is not really your currency anymore. The other thing is that I've done a lot of research on dopamine lately, and turns out the journey is far more rewarding than the end result. So it's normal to feel good while you're working on something, but underwhelmed once you get there.

 

[Darkmoon Queen]

That sounds like a healthy weight. Why not just congratulate yourself for a) being in good shape and b) having evolved to the point of not really caring all that much? You've likely grown as a person if this is not really your currency anymore. The other thing is that I've done a lot of research on dopamine lately, and turns out the journey is far more rewarding than the end result. So it's normal to feel good while you're working on something, but underwhelmed once you get there.

I think I'm stuck in the past and the idea of moving away is.. I'm half numb and half afraid.

I don't connect the same things to my weight anymore. I'm not sure if I grew as a person or if I just stopped wanting. I can't really see straight at the moment.

Thank you for the more positive spin on things though. :) Yeah, I've noticed the whole journey/destination thing on other things I've done. Odd, isn't it?