irregularreconcile
i'm such a coward; these wretched things i do
- Jun 15, 2023
- 65
I don't really know how to compose myself. This is going to be jumbled. TW- trans issues, r*pe, csa and zoophilia discussed
Last night I lied to my partner saying I felt like I could live peacefully with them.
Today, I know I have to kill myself sooner.
If already being a useless tranny pig was enough, dysphoria choking me out day by day edging me to die, new (but not so new) self discoveries and uprooting things about myself have merely proven I need to CTB to not only end my family's suffering, my own suffering, but to protect innocent lives of the future.
When I was a child, after I was raped, the first thing that came apparent to me at a scarily young age was intense sadism plaguing me. I loved causing pain. I loved the endless fantasies of it before I understood moral values. Notably, my favorite animals I had fantasies about.
They've come up again in the past month and they wont fucking stop. I don't know if I'm enjoying them or not. I'm surrounded by stuffed animals of this type of animal (I would not be able to house them until much later in life, with better finances,) but the sadism and rape of these animals are poisoning my mind. I go to bed with my partner and lie awake, unsure to take it in or not. They are arousing me again, and today I spent the afternoon vomitting in self disgust the more it came through.
I've barely ate. I feel not only a visceral demon of shame, but also an inescape of it. All around me, in my physical space and soul I am surrounded by reminders of them, and I truly love them-- But I'm mortified that, just like as a child, they've come back full force.
All the reason more to attempt in February, if not sooner.
I don't want respect or reassurance for these thoughts. I've merely only managed to pet these animals once, never innapropiately, but enough to where I feel if I lay a hand upon one again I would create a terrifying crime scene. I can't really describe it.
I have laid down all day, avoided any arousing material the best I can, and now all I can thing about is how I'll do it. I've always tried to offer support on the forums when available, because I feel a connection to this community, but I am also ready to be cast out. I have my concrete reasons for suicide now, my plans are halfway done. I don't want support for my thoughts, but just know if there's someone out there that deserves death more than anything, you're staring right at him.
I will end my life before I bring harm to any creature. I will end my life to protect those around me, and to find a semblance of peace. In a weird way, I hope that is deemed more honorable than the average predator that Refuses to change their mindset, but I also know I deserve no humanity anymore. I deserve nothing for the thoughts I have, and the potential of living to see them unfirl.
If I survive, I'll try again. And again. And again, until it is done.
Last night I lied to my partner saying I felt like I could live peacefully with them.
Today, I know I have to kill myself sooner.
If already being a useless tranny pig was enough, dysphoria choking me out day by day edging me to die, new (but not so new) self discoveries and uprooting things about myself have merely proven I need to CTB to not only end my family's suffering, my own suffering, but to protect innocent lives of the future.
When I was a child, after I was raped, the first thing that came apparent to me at a scarily young age was intense sadism plaguing me. I loved causing pain. I loved the endless fantasies of it before I understood moral values. Notably, my favorite animals I had fantasies about.
They've come up again in the past month and they wont fucking stop. I don't know if I'm enjoying them or not. I'm surrounded by stuffed animals of this type of animal (I would not be able to house them until much later in life, with better finances,) but the sadism and rape of these animals are poisoning my mind. I go to bed with my partner and lie awake, unsure to take it in or not. They are arousing me again, and today I spent the afternoon vomitting in self disgust the more it came through.
I've barely ate. I feel not only a visceral demon of shame, but also an inescape of it. All around me, in my physical space and soul I am surrounded by reminders of them, and I truly love them-- But I'm mortified that, just like as a child, they've come back full force.
All the reason more to attempt in February, if not sooner.
I don't want respect or reassurance for these thoughts. I've merely only managed to pet these animals once, never innapropiately, but enough to where I feel if I lay a hand upon one again I would create a terrifying crime scene. I can't really describe it.
I have laid down all day, avoided any arousing material the best I can, and now all I can thing about is how I'll do it. I've always tried to offer support on the forums when available, because I feel a connection to this community, but I am also ready to be cast out. I have my concrete reasons for suicide now, my plans are halfway done. I don't want support for my thoughts, but just know if there's someone out there that deserves death more than anything, you're staring right at him.
I will end my life before I bring harm to any creature. I will end my life to protect those around me, and to find a semblance of peace. In a weird way, I hope that is deemed more honorable than the average predator that Refuses to change their mindset, but I also know I deserve no humanity anymore. I deserve nothing for the thoughts I have, and the potential of living to see them unfirl.
If I survive, I'll try again. And again. And again, until it is done.
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