1:30am

[BitterlyAlive]

I somehow randomly fell asleep and managed to sleep for a few hours. But now I'm wide awake, and my brain and body are fucking with me

Someone was telling me yesterday about how they were almost killed twice and had a gun put to their head as they were raped. They went through more severe childhood abuse than I did. I was raped multiple times by my ex, but I always wonder if it was really rape because he never put a gun to my head, he never beat me... Am I just a fucking liar, is it my fault because I let him do these things?

Why am I so pathetic? Why can't I be good enough? Why am I such a weak piece of shit?

I'm not gonna be able to fall back asleep. Fucking SH and suicidal urges, it's like painful static in my brain and arms. But at the same time I deserve this. I should feel like complete crap. I should feel ashamed, guilty, stupid, lazy, weak. Where's the fucking lie?

 

[almost_dead]

I hate life and I hate myself

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I don't think I would be able to persuade you your opinion about yourself is wrong without knowing you personally, so let's approach it differently. What do you have to be "good enough" for? I mean, why beat yourself up over having some traits and not other traits? It's not like there is an universal standard of what kind of person you should be. Don't you agree?

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

your trauma is valid, regardless of how "severe" it is compared to some else's. you're not a liar.

abuse/rape is always the perpetrator's fault, because they made the active decision to harm somebody in such a way. it's not the victim's responsibility to fight back; it's the perpetrator's responsibility to not do it in the first place.

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I don't think I would be able to persuade you your opinion about yourself is wrong without knowing you personally, so let's approach it differently. What do you have to be "good enough" for? I mean, why beat yourself up over having some traits and not other traits? It's not like there is an universal standard of what kind of person you should be. Don't you agree?

People have certain expectations of me and if I don't fulfill them, I'll be alone and homeless. I don't know, I should be better.

your trauma is valid, regardless of how "severe" it is compared to some else's. you're not a liar.

abuse/rape is always the perpetrator's fault, because they made the active decision to harm somebody in such a way. it's not the victim's responsibility to fight back; it's the perpetrator's responsibility to not do it in the first place.

thank you for that last sentence. Maybe I should write it in a little note and carry it with me...

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Why do you deserve to feel like that? No matter, if you'd lied or did something stupid. No human should be treated the way you are!

 

[Thinking]

Your trauma is valid. If only the person with the absolute worst trauma was allowed to be sad, ashamed, etc, then only one person in the entire world-- the person who had it worst-- would be allowed these feelings.

Any other good way of describing it is that a person who drowns in 3 inches of water is just as dead as the person who died in 3 feet of water. (Though perhaps the metaphor is lost due to the nature of this site).

 

[GrumpyFrog]

People have certain expectations of me and if I don't fulfill them, I'll be alone and homeless.

Have someone actually told you they expect things of you and will throw you out of the house to be homeless otherwise? Sometimes it might feel like others expect things from us when they really don't. Are you sure people around you expect you to be perfect?