Venting Living while trans is impossible for me.

[sorararara]

I've probably posted about this in the past, but I can't even remember.

All of the hatred and bigotry in this world makes living impossible. There's no solution, it's just so painful.

(Some context: I'm FTM, I haven't physically transitioned because I lack the resources to do so. I'm only out to very close internet friends, and the people on this forum lol.)

There's no winning. It's either identify as female and continue to despise everything about myself, or choose to transition and deal with all of the hatred and pain that comes with it.

Living as a female makes me so miserable. I hate being perceived as female, I hate that I'll probably always be a female in the majority's eyes. I'm already shorter than the average woman + my body type is too feminine, so I can't even try to physically pass as male. Everything about me is a dead giveaway. I've hated this since I was little. I've wanted to be male ever since I was little.

There's so much hatred towards trans people. I can't go anywhere on the internet without seeing people claim that trans people are evil predators, and I can't talk to anyone irl because 70% of the time, they end up being transphobic. There's no getting away from it.

It's so unfair. I don't want this. Having people debate your very existence and feelings for political debates is so fucking heartbreaking. I never asked to be this way, I've tried/am trying so hard to be comfortable with my biological gender, but I can't. I've tried for so long, it's been unbearable for as long as I can remember.

To have people say that I'm doing it for attention, have been groomed into it, or to suggest that I just have "underlying issues" fucking sucks. I've been this way before anything bad ever even occurred in my life.

I just don't see a world where I can live like this. Death seems so much better than living a life like this.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

I'm sorry for your suffering!! It's very unfair.

 

[cosmic_traveler]

I've probably posted about this in the past, but I can't even remember.

All of the hatred and bigotry in this world makes living impossible. There's no solution, it's just so painful.

(Some context: I'm FTM, I haven't physically transitioned because I lack the resources to do so. I'm only out to very close internet friends, and the people on this forum lol.)

There's no winning. It's either identify as female and continue to despise everything about myself, or choose to transition and deal with all of the hatred and pain that comes with it.

Living as a female makes me so miserable. I hate being perceived as female, I hate that I'll probably always be a female in the majority's eyes. I'm already shorter than the average woman + my body type is too feminine, so I can't even try to physically pass as male. Everything about me is a dead giveaway. I've hated this since I was little. I've wanted to be male ever since I was little.

There's so much hatred towards trans people. I can't go anywhere on the internet without seeing people claim that trans people are evil predators, and I can't talk to anyone irl because 70% of the time, they end up being transphobic. There's no getting away from it.

It's so unfair. I don't want this. Having people debate your very existence and feelings for political debates is so fucking heartbreaking. I never asked to be this way, I've tried/am trying so hard to be comfortable with my biological gender, but I can't. I've tried for so long, it's been unbearable for as long as I can remember.

To have people say that I'm doing it for attention, have been groomed into it, or to suggest that I just have "underlying issues" fucking sucks. I've been this way before anything bad ever even occurred in my life.

I just don't see a world where I can live like this. Death seems so much better than living a life like this.

Humanity is a very adolescent species, that's why there are so many people concerned with what's going on in other people's pants.

Realistically speaking, gender dysphoria is no different than near-sightedness.
Glasses/surgery can help people with near-sightedness, but it won't change their biology.
The same way gender affirming surgery/hormones can help people with gender dysphoria, it won't change the person they are.
If you are able to fully transition, you would still feel the same anger and hate towards the people that try to politicize/demonize/stigmatize the trans community.

There is one thing in common with everyone that tries to bring you down, they're beneath you.
They are trying to bring you down to their level.
It's difficult, but keep your head up and disregard the howls from below.

Sorry you're in so much pain. We wish you peace. Be well on your journey.

 

[ToastInTheShell]

I'm in a similar place :(

MTF and surrounded by hate. Only out to parents and one friend. The snide jokes and comments are bad enough, but my parents call me a degenerate and even a pedophile, purely because I'm trans.

They're ALWAYS making jokes and trying to provoke me and asking to debate. I don't wanna debate my fucking existence to someone who throws around pedo allegations to their own child.

And omfg the grooming shit u were talking about is SO ANNOYING. They always wanna fuckin BLAME someone, find the person who CORRUPTED me. "Did anything happen to you??" yeah i fucking discovered myself worst mistake of my life.

And DONT get me started on the "underlying issues"... I CUT BECAUSE IM TRANS. I AM DEPRESSED BECAUSE IM TRANS. THE "UNDERLYING ISSUE" IS THE FACT THAT IM TRANS. WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT OCD????

Being in a place where I won't be able to feel dysphoria is gonna be so great. I won't hurt anymore, I won't hate myself, and I won't have to grit my teeth and take daily transphobia on the fucking chin.

Sorry for ranting lol i guess what u said rlly struck a chord. I'm sorry that you feel the way u do. I hope shit improves for u, one way or another.

 

[sorararara]

I'm in a similar place :(

MTF and surrounded by hate. Only out to parents and one friend. The snide jokes and comments are bad enough, but my parents call me a degenerate and even a pedophile, purely because I'm trans.

They're ALWAYS making jokes and trying to provoke me and asking to debate. I don't wanna debate my fucking existence to someone who throws around pedo allegations to their own child.

And omfg the grooming shit u were talking about is SO ANNOYING. They always wanna fuckin BLAME someone, find the person who CORRUPTED me. "Did anything happen to you??" yeah i fucking discovered myself worst mistake of my life.

And DONT get me started on the "underlying issues"... I CUT BECAUSE IM TRANS. I AM DEPRESSED BECAUSE IM TRANS. THE "UNDERLYING ISSUE" IS THE FACT THAT IM TRANS. WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT OCD????

Being in a place where I won't be able to feel dysphoria is gonna be so great. I won't hurt anymore, I won't hate myself, and I won't have to grit my teeth and take daily transphobia on the fucking chin.

Sorry for ranting lol i guess what u said rlly struck a chord. I'm sorry that you feel the way u do. I hope shit improves for u, one way or another.

I'm so sorry you have to put up with that shit, it sounds unbearable and you deserve so much better :(
Please don't apologize for ranting! I hope you get out of your situation so you can be yourself without being hurt by the people who are supposed to support you. Sending lots of love your way!! You got this <3