MillieXIO
Member
- Jul 31, 2023
- 6
My sibling has been anxious/suidical/depressive ever since a few years ago when I told our family something vile she did to me when we were both younger.
I have misophonia, and before she went to work she was humming in the bathroom, so I asked her to stop. She, sarcastically, went "sorry for listening to music." and I, matching the energy of the statement, went "Is that what I said??" and then she walked away, clearly unreceptive. Ok, I lay down now that I'm awake so early in the morning. A few hours later, my mom comes into my room asking for the keys to the car (i don't drive it, but the sibling I share my room with does) and that my sister is 'having an episode.'
Apparently, she was thinking of killing herself because she thinks she's someone that is constantly in my way and that she should just 'get rid of herself for me.' I have plans to move out, far from this house, and do intend to go no contact with her. Maybe I'm fucked up for it, but as hard as I try, I can't forgive her for that shit she did to me. Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl and makes me want to scrub my body until it's raw.
For context, she's ~4 years older than me, and it happened when I was 3 or 4. So, no, I didn't remember it happened, until she told me and begged for forgiveness when I was 9 or 10.
Now, she told my mom that the reason for her episode is because of me. My mom had a long monologue about how she blamed me for it and that 'when I say these things, I should consider that they are hurtful.' That she's deeply traumatized by the past even (that she was the perpetrator of) so I should try not to trigger her. That I can't expect people to 'tiptoe around me.' I just had to sit there, baffled, because I entered to wish her a happy mothers day and ask if I could cook anything for her. She said that, for the past several days, she hasn't wanted to talk to me because of my reactions around my misophonia triggers. That I should go to therapy and get over it.
My thing is, if this is all because my sister breaks down because she thinks about killing herself, what about me? If she knew I had suicidal thoughts and self hate and extreme anxiety that I mask around her. She knows that I cut, although maybe she thinks I stopped at some point. But to pin that all on me? Never once have I blamed someone else for my misery or put it on someone's head that, if I kill myself, it's by/for them.
Does my mom just don't understand that telling me that, even if I wasn't already suicidal, could put me in the headspace to be? That she could lose two daughters to the same thing?
It really hurts me, too. Being the last of 5 children where my parents were too old to attend any of my activities and don't visit me at college and knowing that I was an unwanted and high risk pregnancy really fuck with my head every day. Cutting is pretty much my only therapy.
I don't know. I feel like I'm probably the selfish one and I'm not being sympathetic enough. But it's like asking an SA victim to be sympathetic to their assaulter, and cut them some slack. I feel like she deserves to feel horrible about what she did to me, because at least she had a choice. Even if she was a child.
And what sucks even more, is that every time my mother and sister bring up this topic, they imply that I don't have the right to tell anybody about it. Like I should keep it a secret to protect her ego or something. It's sickening and makes me less responsive to what they're saying. It's just like... I'm trapped in my own house. I want to move out and far far away from all of these people, but I'll feel guilty if I don't at least get my degree. Because if I don't, what did my 70 year old dad bother paying all my bills and raising me for.
I'm mostly just really tired. Sorry for long post, and thanks for reading it if you got this far.
I have misophonia, and before she went to work she was humming in the bathroom, so I asked her to stop. She, sarcastically, went "sorry for listening to music." and I, matching the energy of the statement, went "Is that what I said??" and then she walked away, clearly unreceptive. Ok, I lay down now that I'm awake so early in the morning. A few hours later, my mom comes into my room asking for the keys to the car (i don't drive it, but the sibling I share my room with does) and that my sister is 'having an episode.'
Apparently, she was thinking of killing herself because she thinks she's someone that is constantly in my way and that she should just 'get rid of herself for me.' I have plans to move out, far from this house, and do intend to go no contact with her. Maybe I'm fucked up for it, but as hard as I try, I can't forgive her for that shit she did to me. Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl and makes me want to scrub my body until it's raw.
For context, she's ~4 years older than me, and it happened when I was 3 or 4. So, no, I didn't remember it happened, until she told me and begged for forgiveness when I was 9 or 10.
Now, she told my mom that the reason for her episode is because of me. My mom had a long monologue about how she blamed me for it and that 'when I say these things, I should consider that they are hurtful.' That she's deeply traumatized by the past even (that she was the perpetrator of) so I should try not to trigger her. That I can't expect people to 'tiptoe around me.' I just had to sit there, baffled, because I entered to wish her a happy mothers day and ask if I could cook anything for her. She said that, for the past several days, she hasn't wanted to talk to me because of my reactions around my misophonia triggers. That I should go to therapy and get over it.
My thing is, if this is all because my sister breaks down because she thinks about killing herself, what about me? If she knew I had suicidal thoughts and self hate and extreme anxiety that I mask around her. She knows that I cut, although maybe she thinks I stopped at some point. But to pin that all on me? Never once have I blamed someone else for my misery or put it on someone's head that, if I kill myself, it's by/for them.
Does my mom just don't understand that telling me that, even if I wasn't already suicidal, could put me in the headspace to be? That she could lose two daughters to the same thing?
It really hurts me, too. Being the last of 5 children where my parents were too old to attend any of my activities and don't visit me at college and knowing that I was an unwanted and high risk pregnancy really fuck with my head every day. Cutting is pretty much my only therapy.
I don't know. I feel like I'm probably the selfish one and I'm not being sympathetic enough. But it's like asking an SA victim to be sympathetic to their assaulter, and cut them some slack. I feel like she deserves to feel horrible about what she did to me, because at least she had a choice. Even if she was a child.
And what sucks even more, is that every time my mother and sister bring up this topic, they imply that I don't have the right to tell anybody about it. Like I should keep it a secret to protect her ego or something. It's sickening and makes me less responsive to what they're saying. It's just like... I'm trapped in my own house. I want to move out and far far away from all of these people, but I'll feel guilty if I don't at least get my degree. Because if I don't, what did my 70 year old dad bother paying all my bills and raising me for.
I'm mostly just really tired. Sorry for long post, and thanks for reading it if you got this far.
