Help Not sure what to do CW: SA

[Angel_Guts]

This event happened a year ago but the realization is fairly new. I was a virgin with my last partner but a lot of the times we were intimate they have been pressuring me and SAing me. They took a lot from me and left me quite confused about what will happen with my next partner. For example, what happens if they ask am I a virgin? Do I tell them I am a virgin or do tell them the truth and say I am not and that I was SAed? Currently there is a person I am interested in I have been very careful around them and I am pretty sure they're a virgin. I don't want to lie have the truth come out and them feeling hurt and lied to, but I don't want them to judge me and feel like they need to walk on eggshells around me.

I hear a lot of people tell me "virginity is a construct" but a lot of people base it off of your body count and I don't want the person to who SAed me to be a "body" but they really are?
I am just really confused about everything and this has been keeping me up all night.

 

[soulkitty]

As hard as it might be I would recommend being honest and open with them about it, and if you don't feel comfortable going into detail about the SA, or want to be more vague about it you could say you're not a virgin but you've had some bad experiences when it comes to being intimate. It might help them to better understand and care for you/treat you in a way that will make things more comfortable if you end up being intimate together in the future. I completely understand the fear of being judged I'm constantly paranoid about that when it comes to that kind of stuff. I think if they're a good match for you and a kind person they wouldn't judge you :) and if they do judge you they're probably not a good person to be with. My virginity was taken by the person who SA'd me too so I really resonate with the last couple of sentences you said. I hope you feel better soon and you're able to get some rest I don't know if what I said could help but I thought I would give my perspective on things

 

[AbsentMindedHuman]

I think being honest is the best option if you are interested in someone. You can gauge weather or not to tell them you were SA'ed but lying will hurt them more. If you are able to be open with them and explain that you are not a virgin and that you were SA'ed but you don't want that to affect your relationship, they should be accepting of that and move forward, if not, maybe they arent a good fit for you.

 

[Angel_Guts]

As hard as it might be I would recommend being honest and open with them about it, and if you don't feel comfortable going into detail about the SA, or want to be more vague about it you could say you're not a virgin but you've had some bad experiences when it comes to being intimate. It might help them to better understand and care for you/treat you in a way that will make things more comfortable if you end up being intimate together in the future. I completely understand the fear of being judged I'm constantly paranoid about that when it comes to that kind of stuff. I think if they're a good match for you and a kind person they wouldn't judge you :) and if they do judge you they're probably not a good person to be with. My virginity was taken by the person who SA'd me too so I really resonate with the last couple of sentences you said. I hope you feel better soon and you're able to get some rest I don't know if what I said could help but I thought I would give my perspective on things

Thank you, i really appreciate this. This has helped me see from a different perspective, you're right on saying that if they judge me then they are not the right person but it the thought of it terrifies me. They have done unforgivable things to me and when I tell my close friends, family and therapist what has happened and how i felt they are merely lost for words and all they can say is "i'm sorry".

I think being honest is the best option if you are interested in someone. You can gauge weather or not to tell them you were SA'ed but lying will hurt them more. If you are able to be open with them and explain that you are not a virgin and that you were SA'ed but you don't want that to affect your relationship, they should be accepting of that and move forward, if not, maybe they arent a good fit for you.

I just feel a lot of disgust to the the person I lost my virginity to. The overwhelming embarrassment still haunts me and I don't say that they are my ex because of how ville they were. Thats why I want to hide from it and try to erase everything but i know its not right.

 

[leyl]

I feel you. I was CSA and the conflict of whether or not you can say you're a virgin is quite bad.
I don't want to attribute an "experience" to something that was abuse but i feel like a fraud to say i am a virgin.

But overall, i think for your own mental being, it's better to not "count" it. I think a first time can only be something you chose, not something taken out of you.
You didn't choose to do it, you didn't want it. So you still have room to explore that part of you.
A new romantic partner should be able to understand that. And i really hope they do

 

[SexyIncél]

Ok, you're treading into tricky waters. Intergender dynamics get a bit difficult for gals, regarding body count. Fortunately, Orion Taraban has made at least 3 videos on the topic, so you can get into men's heads & make informed, nuanced decisions:

• The SEXUAL DOUBLE STANDARD: Understanding why it exists
• Why men get JEALOUS of their WOMEN'S PAST: the threat to romantic love
• Body count and SEXUAL JEALOUSY: moving beyond the number

Your new guy can't necessarily control his reaction, even if he's 100% well-meaning. It's like when (famous black feminist) bell hooks pushed her bf to open up about his emotions — then she freaked out when he did. It could get stuck in his head — just like this problem is now stuck in yours