melancholymallory03
Do cats live nine lives ? Or do humans ⏰
- Feb 20, 2024
- 357
I'm completely dazed
Getting closer to my peaceful exit , but not close enough.
I hope my family will mourn me like they mourned my cousin who hung himself over his ex gf , they all got over that eventually and I know they will get over me. Do I worry they won't and carry the guilt around with me ? Yes. Is that going to stop me from this endless suffering ? No. I'm still going to do it. I just feel guilty about it that's all. Being here I am not much of a help of contribution though , my happiness is gone for life. I've mentally made this decision miles ago.
I've psychically died , I'm dead spiritually , my soul has been eaten up. All I know is pain.
I'm so insufferable , I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I really wish I could turn back time sometimes , but that's a pipe dream.
My girlfriend said I was passively suicidal when I met with her to celebrate my 20th birthday , she said she knows this because of my words and actions but I wasn't sure I was indicating this, I hope she dosent feel as if she could of done anything to prevent what I'm going to do probably before summer ends. What's the point of living another year ….. the only things I want are so far out of reach, my love is gone, I've felt like this for almost seven years now. Something wil give , I just know it. Pain manifests itself and transforms into something, even if you don't hurt yourself , you'll end up hurting someone else. Pain is combustible. I can't handle this much more. I'm so grateful for this community though , I've never found such likeminded people and it comforts me to know there is some people who understand the depths of the pain I feel , day in and out. And I'm not just a freak , or a weirdo … even though I am lol. I have to think level headed , clearly . The problem is , I've been zoning out a lot again. Foggy and reminiscent of the past, to many flashbacks and just replays of the past. I want to feel a warmth inside of me, pro lifers don't understand I've almost single handedly tried every form of therapy , and self care , coping strategy , I've tried residential care …. I've tried in patient , half days in patient t, so many things.
My experience of this life is the problem
The unintentional creation of me is the problem
My parents made me too young , a mistake from the start and I am the problem
Further on , there's always been a deep emptiness inside of me. Everyone in my immediate family seems like They can just go through the motions
I'm stuck in the past, and trust me the thoughts I have are lethal.
I must put a stop to myself , I don't wanna boil up and just totally lose my lemons.
I wish things could be different , hell I wish it everyday. I've tried to make things different , the scenery dosent change the hell inside me I realized. All I am is a tangle of shit. I wish things were lighter , easier , less heavy. I'm tired of wishing though. Nobody's coming, the god I pray to …. Well I feel estranged from them …. The concept of meaningful existence is not something I can wrap my head around. I hate money, I hate everything, I hate the systems we have in place , I hate them they sicken Me with a deep rooted hatred. I want to be good, I want to be grateful , I've tried . I'm exhausted. There is one last thing I can do to free myself , and show those rotten people who separated me from the love of my life that love never dies ; but I will. Lol. Maybe in the next life things will be lighter , easier. More tangible. I guess this isn't going to be my reality , not now. Not ever . I'm sick of trying to fit into a world I don't fucking understand. I'm tired . I'm done. Im peacefully exiting. And I hope things will be nicer on the other side
There is a speaker I've been watching for comfort and her name is Dolores cannon , to anyone who dosent like this stuff I'm sorry I guess it can be kinda cringey and comical but everyone's entitled to there own beliefs and , I hope she is right about her tellings about what happens when people ctb.
Here is a video I have been watching quite often recently , and has helped me really feel comfort and excitement for what could await me next…….
This video gives me so much comfort , if anyone has anyone likes these please feel free to share , and if it's not you're cup of tea I'm sorry.
Getting closer to my peaceful exit , but not close enough.
I hope my family will mourn me like they mourned my cousin who hung himself over his ex gf , they all got over that eventually and I know they will get over me. Do I worry they won't and carry the guilt around with me ? Yes. Is that going to stop me from this endless suffering ? No. I'm still going to do it. I just feel guilty about it that's all. Being here I am not much of a help of contribution though , my happiness is gone for life. I've mentally made this decision miles ago.
I've psychically died , I'm dead spiritually , my soul has been eaten up. All I know is pain.
I'm so insufferable , I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. I really wish I could turn back time sometimes , but that's a pipe dream.
My girlfriend said I was passively suicidal when I met with her to celebrate my 20th birthday , she said she knows this because of my words and actions but I wasn't sure I was indicating this, I hope she dosent feel as if she could of done anything to prevent what I'm going to do probably before summer ends. What's the point of living another year ….. the only things I want are so far out of reach, my love is gone, I've felt like this for almost seven years now. Something wil give , I just know it. Pain manifests itself and transforms into something, even if you don't hurt yourself , you'll end up hurting someone else. Pain is combustible. I can't handle this much more. I'm so grateful for this community though , I've never found such likeminded people and it comforts me to know there is some people who understand the depths of the pain I feel , day in and out. And I'm not just a freak , or a weirdo … even though I am lol. I have to think level headed , clearly . The problem is , I've been zoning out a lot again. Foggy and reminiscent of the past, to many flashbacks and just replays of the past. I want to feel a warmth inside of me, pro lifers don't understand I've almost single handedly tried every form of therapy , and self care , coping strategy , I've tried residential care …. I've tried in patient , half days in patient t, so many things.
My experience of this life is the problem
The unintentional creation of me is the problem
My parents made me too young , a mistake from the start and I am the problem
Further on , there's always been a deep emptiness inside of me. Everyone in my immediate family seems like They can just go through the motions
I'm stuck in the past, and trust me the thoughts I have are lethal.
I must put a stop to myself , I don't wanna boil up and just totally lose my lemons.
I wish things could be different , hell I wish it everyday. I've tried to make things different , the scenery dosent change the hell inside me I realized. All I am is a tangle of shit. I wish things were lighter , easier , less heavy. I'm tired of wishing though. Nobody's coming, the god I pray to …. Well I feel estranged from them …. The concept of meaningful existence is not something I can wrap my head around. I hate money, I hate everything, I hate the systems we have in place , I hate them they sicken Me with a deep rooted hatred. I want to be good, I want to be grateful , I've tried . I'm exhausted. There is one last thing I can do to free myself , and show those rotten people who separated me from the love of my life that love never dies ; but I will. Lol. Maybe in the next life things will be lighter , easier. More tangible. I guess this isn't going to be my reality , not now. Not ever . I'm sick of trying to fit into a world I don't fucking understand. I'm tired . I'm done. Im peacefully exiting. And I hope things will be nicer on the other side
There is a speaker I've been watching for comfort and her name is Dolores cannon , to anyone who dosent like this stuff I'm sorry I guess it can be kinda cringey and comical but everyone's entitled to there own beliefs and , I hope she is right about her tellings about what happens when people ctb.
Here is a video I have been watching quite often recently , and has helped me really feel comfort and excitement for what could await me next…….
This video gives me so much comfort , if anyone has anyone likes these please feel free to share , and if it's not you're cup of tea I'm sorry.
